


Spectrum

by Blankfreeze1958



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:07:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 60,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28908321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blankfreeze1958/pseuds/Blankfreeze1958
Summary: “We’re going to get through this, T. Together, right?”“Together.” She repeats, nodding.
Relationships: Scott Moir/Tessa Virtue
Comments: 124
Kudos: 103





	1. What If Something's Wrong?

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you're not sick of me yet lol  
> This is kind of a continuation of Just How I Am series but I wanted it to stand alone.

Scott calls Tessa early in the morning to check up on her and the kids. 

“You’re home tonight?” She asks. 

“Home tonight.” He confirms. 

“Good.” She says, and he raises his brow. 

“Oh yeah?” He asks, a sly smile on his face. “You miss me?” 

“I could use um… some help relaxing.” She says softly. 

Scott feels the telltale prickle of heat in his lower belly. “You should’ve told me sooner.” He says. 

She scoffs, “Not sure how you’d be much help a thousand miles away.” She says. 

“I’d fly home to fuck you.” He says blatantly and Tessa giggles much to his delight. 

“Oh would you?” She asks. “Somehow I don’t think your athletes would be very happy with you.”

“They’ve seen you, they’d understand.” He shoots back. 

“Very smooth this morning, aren’t we?” Tessa says, amused, a girlish smile on her face. 

“Nah.” Scott says. “I just call it like I see it. But seriously, call me. I’ll talk you through it like we used to do, eh?” He’s grinning through his teeth at the prospect of phone sex. It’s something they haven’t done in a while. 

“Is that daddy?!” Scott suddenly hears in the background. It’s their youngest - Noah. “I wanna say hi!” He exclaims, and Scott can hear Tessa’s sharp inhale and the phone rustling and he knows Noah climbed up into her lap, which under normal circumstances would be fine, but the boys tend to be a bit rough and Tessa had pulled a muscle in her back breaking up a fight between their oldest, Connor and their middle child, Peter, just last week. She’s been a bit tender since. 

“Hey buddy.” Scott says, and hears Noah breathing heavily. He imagines he’d just been running around. He’s quite a little ball of energy. He reminds Scott of himself as a kid, and feels badly that Tessa’s dealing with that on her own. 

“Hi, daddy!” Noah says in that way that melts his heart. “I made mud castles in the yard this morning!”

He hears Tessa sigh and can imagine what she went through to get him cleaned up. He smiles to himself at the thought of her covered in mud, trying to wrestle Noah into the bath.

“Oh, boy. That sounds fun.” Scott says. “I wish I could’ve helped.”

“You can when you come home!” Noah says enthusiastically. 

It kind of hurts Scott to hear. He feels like they have to say things like that too often. 

“Sure thing, pal.” He says. 

“Mumma found a worm in the mud.” He says. 

And Scott raises his brow, wishing he were there to see that. _Tessa_ , digging around in the _mud_?

He hopes more than anything that she’s taking things as easy as she can on her back. 

“Hey remember what we said about mummy?”

“Yeah.” Noah says. He pulls himself up onto his knees and turns himself so he’s kneeling on Tessa’s thighs and pats her on the chest. “Gentle with mummy. I am. Right, mumma?” He looks up at her with his big brown eyes and Tessa can’t resist giving him a squeeze. “My gentle little hurricane.” Tessa says fondly. 

And Scott smiles softly. He knows it’s the best they can hope for. 

“Can I say hi?” It’s Peter’s now. 

“Hi dad.” He says in that levelheaded voice he has. He’s only six but seems so much older than that… _most_ times. Truthfully, he and Tessa have been concerned about his behaviour for a little while now as he tends to get extremely upset when any part of his day doesn’t go according to plan, and not only that but there’s a million little quirks about him that seem to be becoming more prevalent issues lately. Tessa worries herself sick over it but Scott tries his best to reel her in. It’s probably just a phase.

“Hey, Petey.” He says. “I miss you.” 

“You’re coming home tonight, right?” 

“That’s right.” He says. “I’ll see you tonight.” 

“Will you read my Wally the Whale book with me?” He asks. 

Scott laughs. “Sure, you got it, kiddo.” 

“Cool.” He says, rotely, like he’s reciting a line. He copies Connor, their oldest’s slang much of the time. 

“Cool.” Scott says back, chuckling. 

“Mum! We have to go!” Scott hears Connor yelling. 

“Be right down, Conn!” Tessa shouts back.

“We’re going to be late.” Peter says into the phone. 

“Alright, hey, Pete,” Scott says. “Put mum back on, ok?”

“Honey, let me say bye to daddy.” He hears Tessa say to Peter, but it’s too late as he’s already hung up the phone. 

Scott takes a deep breath, wincing at how quiet it is all of a sudden. He misses the chaos of home. He shuts off his phone and then hit the lock button so he can look at the picture of Tess and the kids he has as his Lock Screen. “Bye, babe.” He says to the smiling Tessa on his screen. He pokes her nose and then he feels pathetic. He opens up his phone and texts her just because he wants her to know: 

_I love you_. 

Tessa texts back a minute later:  ♥️

He knows she loves him and even more, he knows she’s busy but he wishes she’d type out the words. He really feels like he needs to hear them today. 

He sighs and gets up, resolving to call her back later. He gets ready for the competition, which should be rather easy. His athletes are more than ready. He’s proud of them and proud of the work they put in. He loves coaching but he wishes it didn’t take him away from home so often. 

It used to be easy - Tessa would normally be here with him. She coached as well, but when she got pregnant with Noah she had a really hard time between morning sickness and being exhausted all the time, and then eventually being ordered on bed rest, which had been a nightmare. Anyway, it all got to be too much and Scott had just taken over. It was only supposed to be for the time being but things just kind of snowballed and the boys needed her home, so home is where she stayed. She’d do anything for the boys and Scott loves her so much for that, but sometimes he feels guilty for the sacrifices she’s made when he still gets to coach. She’d always been the more ambitious one. Maybe _he_ should be the one home now instead. 

Not to mention all the trouble recently with Peter. Well, it’s not so much a recent thing as an ongoing thing, but it seems to be getting worse lately. 

He truthfully has no idea what’s going on with his son, and of course Tessa knows this so she all but ignores any of Scott’s attempts at comforting her. 

Peter has always been a tough kid - he’d cried for ages as a baby, driven he, Tessa, and even Connor up a wall with his wailing. It had probably hit Tessa the hardest. He remembers her sobbing, feeling like such a failure that she didn’t know how to help him. It had completely shattered Scott to see her that way. 

Then, as he got older, Peter would complain about strange things - he had to have all the tags on his clothes completely removed or they irritated him to the point where he’d just rip them off in public. He couldn’t stand texture of certain foods - he was so averse, in fact, that he’d thrown up on several occasions where he was made to eat something he didn’t like. He didn’t like to play with other kids, either, not even his own brothers, really. He had a hard time socialising, had a hard time relating to others. Tessa works her hardest on this, always explains why she’s feeling a certain way or spells out people’s behaviours to him to help him better understand. 

Scott’s not always as patient, and Tessa sometimes gets angry with him when he’s short with Peter about certain things. She definitely has a special bond with him and Scott’s glad for it, but he does wish he were there to help her more often, and he wishes he had the patience that she does. 

It’s hard to read Peter’s emotions most of the time, but there are two things that he makes blindingly obvious - he loves any and everything about the ocean, _especially_ whales, and he absolutely _adores_ his mother. He finds tremendous comfort in her and her ability to help him navigate the world in a way that he seems to better understand.

Tessa’s been pressuring Scott about taking Peter to a developmental psychologist to see if there’s anything more they should be doing to help him, but Scott’s averse to the idea. He thinks things are fine as they are. He doesn’t see Peter _struggling_ per se - he’s so smart and so very happy much of the time. The only real issue is his tantruming and possibly his socialisation, both of which Scott thinks are likely just a phase. 

* * *

When he gets home that night, exhausted from a long plane ride and the excitement of his athletes winning the competition, all he wants is to hug his kids and kiss his wife, but as soon as he opens the front door he can tell the mood is off. 

Tessa’s leaned over the kitchen island with her head in her hands, looking completely exasperated, the boys nowhere to be seen. 

“Hey.” He says, dropping his bag in the hall and walking toward her as she lifts her head from her hands and offers him a smile. He can tell she’s been crying. 

He opens his arms for her and she steps into his embrace, hugging him back weakly. 

“Come here, I missed you.” He says, taking her face in his hands and pressing kisses to her cheeks and lips. “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He asks. 

She blushes like she hadn’t meant for it to be obvious that there was something wrong. 

She sighs and shakes her head. “Peter hit one of his classmates today.” She says. “Conner lied about finishing his homework and Noah broke the lamp in the living room.”

Scott huffs a laugh and Tessa looks up at him, bristling. “It’s not funny.” She says, sharply, obviously hurt. 

“No, I’m sorry, I just… I mean they’re just little boys, that’s what boys do.” 

Tessa stares at him like she’s trying her best not to snap. “That’s not acceptable behaviour.” She says, her voice breaking. “Violence and lying and explicitly disobeying us when we’ve told them not to play hockey in the house… And how dare you write it off like it’s nothing when you aren’t the one who has to deal with teachers calling you in or sweeping up glass shards or teaching them _why_ these things are wrong.” 

Scott drops his hands from her waist and steps back nodding. “Yeah.” He says. “No, you’re right. If I were here-“ 

“But you’re _not_ here.” She says. “ _I’m_ here.” 

“T.” Scott says, painfully. “I would be here if I could.” 

She runs a hand through her hair with an exasperated sigh. “I know.” She says, nodding but fixing her eyes on the ground. “I know that, I didn’t mean it that way, I’m sorry.” 

“Okay.” Scott sighs, not really sure what to do next. “So the boys are…” 

“Up in their rooms.” Tessa informs him. “In time out. For ten more minutes.” 

“Okay.” He says. “Hey, um… tomorrow do you think you’d want to come to the rink for a while?” He thinks maybe it would be good for her to start coming back once in a while - if she wants to. And the athletes would certainly benefit from it. 

She looks up at him and winces. “I made Peter an appointment for tomorrow.” She says. “With a child psychologist.” 

Scott drops his shoulders. “Tess, I told you, it’s just a phase-“ 

“It’s not a phase Scott, he’s been like this his whole life.” 

“Like _what_?” He asks, raising his voice slightly as he finds himself feeling defensive, as if he needs to defend Peter from _Tessa_ , the woman who loves him more than anything in the whole world. 

“Scott, I don’t want to get into an argument. It’s not going to hurt him to go.” 

“You don’t know that!” He says. “And why didn’t you involve me in the conversation? I’m just as invested as you, you know.” 

“Of course I know that.” She says through her teeth. “That’s why I don’t understand your hesitancy.” 

“There’s nothing wrong!” He says, louder than he intends to and he sees her step back. 

“Well if there’s not then we’ll have good news tomorrow.” She says. 

“When were you even going to tell me about this?” He asks, irritated. “How long ago did you make the appointment?” 

“I really don’t think that’s important.” She says. 

“No, it is.” He shoots back. “It is because they’re _our_ kids, Tess, and if I don’t want him going I think that should be taken just as seriously as the fact that you do!” 

“I take your concerns very seriously.” Tessa says, “But I take the health of our son more seriously and I don’t see the big deal about taking him. I’m concerned, Scott and I think he’s exhibiting some-“  
“You think, what?” He interrupts more aggressively than he’d meant to. “You think because you took a few psychology courses back when we were basically teenagers that you can diagnose him with something?” 

“ _Excuse_ me? She says, her eyes widening, and he can’t believe he’d spoken to her that way. He’s not sure what’s come over him. 

“I’m sorry.” He says quickly. 

“No, _I’m_ sorry.” Tessa says. “I’m sorry that we can’t have a conversation about our son without getting into an argument and I’m sorry that you’re so worried that there might be something going on that you’d prefer to just sweep it under the rug rather than helping him.” 

“I’d do anything to help him.” Scott argues, feeling himself get hot. “I just-“ He waves his arms. “I wanted to come back to my family because I missed them. I didn’t have a _fight_ in mind.” 

“Well then I’m sorry I haven’t kept things as perfectly as you might have liked while you were away.” She says sarcastically and he scoffs. “That’s not what I meant.” 

“Oh no?” She asks. “What did you mean, then?” 

“I feel like I can’t even talk to you.” He says, shaking his head. 

“Scott I’m trying!” She shouts, clearly at the end of her rope. “You just -“ 

“I know, I make things hard.” He says. “Here, let me simplify.” He plucks his keys off the island and heads for the door.

“Where are you going?” He asks. 

“Just getting out of your hair for a while longer. Maybe you can make some more appointments while I’m gone.” He says harshly and slams the door behind him. 

* * *

“Scott?” Tessa’s voice is sleepy and Scott feels badly now that he’s woken her. Not only that but he’s not in the mood for more fighting. He feels completely gutted as he always does when he and Tessa fight, but it rarely gets to the point it got today. Scott knows he’s wrong - there really is no good argument for not taking Peter to a specialist, he just feels that taking him to someone is admitting that there’s something _wrong_ with Peter, and that’s just not true. He probably should have just said it that way to Tessa. He’s sure she would have understood that, but he’d been so heated in the moment that they’d just screamed at each other. Things were hard. It was hard to see Peter upset all the time, frustrated that he can’t communicate the way he wants, or when schedules change or when things push the limits of his flexibility. It’s hard to watch Tessa cry herself to sleep at night worrying over him, hard to see Connor and Noah missing their parent’s attention when Peter has an episode, hard to handle going out in public when something goes awry, hard be away when he knows all this is happening. He supposes Peter _is_ struggling. But he's still so young, Scott still holds onto hope that he’ll grow out of it all one day… but Tessa’s right. It doesn’t hurt to bring him to see someone. Scott understands that now. 

“Yeah, it’s me.” Scott says softly in the darkness. Ten minutes ago he’d come home from the bar he’d ended up at. He’s not proud of the way he stormed out on his wife, leaving her with three kids to take care of on her own for even _longer_ , and he’s even less proud of the way he’d spoken to her. She hadn’t deserved any of that.

He’d had a miserable time at the bar. He saw guys there who were likely there every single night, and Scott realised quickly how much he’d rather be home with his family. 

By the time he got back, the kids were in bed, as was Tessa. Scott had considered sleeping on the sofa, but he didn’t want to be one of _those_ couples. He didn’t want to leave issues unresolved. And at the end of the day he wants to hold his wife while he falls asleep. Especially if she’s upset. _Especially_ if _he’s_ the reason she’s upset. 

Tessa doesn’t respond to him, but he makes his way over to her anyway. She’s stubborn and he’s learned that he can’t hold that against her. If she’s going to be stubborn then he’s actively _not_ going to be. 

He kneels down at the side of the bed and can see her face is streaked with tears. 

“Hey, T.” He says quietly, lowering his lips to her cheek. “Please don't cry. I’m sorry.” 

Tessa sniffles and Scott runs an hand down her back. She’s warm under the blankets. 

“I’m sorry I left and I'm sorry for the way I acted.” 

“Didn’t think you were coming back.” Tessa says softly, wiping at her cheek. It’s the truth. He’d been so upset she was sure he would spend the night at his brother’s. 

“‘Course I came back.” Scott says, his expression darkening at the thought that she thought he might not have. 

He presses his forehead to hers and strokes her hair. “I never want to leave you.” He whispers to her. “Any of you. No matter how tough it gets. I’m sorry about walking out. That wasn’t fair to you. None of this is fair to you.”

Tessa’s lip quivers. “I’m just so scared.” She squeaks, her voice breaking as new tears flow from her eyes. “I just… I just really need you right now, ok? I just need you to be on my side.” 

Scott squeezes his eyes shut tightly. He can feel his own tears threatening to fall. “I’m always on your side, Tess.” He says, stroking her cheek. “I’m right here.” 

She closes her eyes and wraps an arm around his neck, her hand knotting in her hair. 

“I know.” Scott says, fighting the lump in his throat. “Shh. I know. I’m right here, ok? I’m right here with you.” 

He feels something scratchy on his neck and realises it’s a bandage on Tessa’s wrist. He takes her arm in his hand and pulls back slightly to get a better look. 

“It’s nothing.” She says softly. “I just have to trim his nails tomorrow.” 

Scott can imagine what happened. In fact, he’s sure he knows exactly what happened. He was supposed to read Petey a story before bedtime as he’d told him he would over the phone that morning, and since he wasn’t there, he knows Petey thew a fit and scratched his mum. Probably got her pretty good judging from the size of the bandage. She got him to bed somehow, though, because she’s Tess and she can do anything and Scott feels horrible. 

“Come here.” Scott says. “Come here. Right now.” 

He pushes himself up and squeezes himself into the space between Tessa and the edge of the mattress, quickly taking her in his arms and letting her press her face into the crook of his neck while he holds her wrist and presses a kiss to the bandage. 

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly. And then again, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Tess. I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you. There was no excuse for that… I’m just… I’m worried sick too, and I don’t know what to do. I just thought maybe if we tried really hard we could fix it… I just…” He pulls her tighter. “I just wanted to make everything ok but… I know I can’t.” He sighs, defeated, shaking his head. “You were right to make the appointment.” 

Tessa takes a long, shaking breath. “I’m sorry too.” 

“No.” Scott says quietly, his lips against her forehead. “You were right. You _are_ right. I’m with you. I’m on your side.” He never wants her to feel like he’s not and he can’t let their son go around hurting people, especially women, especially his mother. “We’re going to that appointment.” He says. 

Tessa nods and sniffles. 

They’re silent for a minute before Tessa asks, “What if something’s wrong?” 

Scott shakes his head. “He’s Peter. No matter what happens, he’s Peter. He’s perfect.” 

Tessa exhales deeply and nods. 

And, as if on cue, Peter pushes open the door and pads inside, his little feet soft on the hardwood floor. 

Scott looks up but doesn’t let go of Tessa, who’s still pressed tightly to his chest, facing away from the door so she can’t see him. 

“Daddy?” Peter asks, rubbing his eyes, clearly having just woken up. 

“Hi, buddy.” Scott says, and Tessa cranes her neck to see him. 

“You weren’t here to read to me.” Peter says, and it shatters Scott’s heart. “You said you would read to me.” 

“I know, kiddo. I’m so sorry. I was… late. I’m here now, okay? I’m back.” 

“I did a bad thing.” Peter says in a small voice. “I made mumma cry.” 

“Yeah.” Scott sighs. “Me too. That’s why I’m giving her big hugs and kisses to say I’m sorry.” 

Peter watches his parents for a moment.

“Mumma?” He says after a moment. 

Tessa pushes herself up and turns to him. “What is it, baby?” Tessa asks, all the sweetness and adoration in the world in her voice. “Did you have a nightmare?” 

Peter shakes his head and pads over to the bed until he’s right beside it, face to face with Tessa. 

He leans forward and kisses Tessa gently on the nose. “I’m sorry, mumma.” He says. “Mumma, I’m sorry.” 

“Oh.” Tessa’s voice breaks, right along with her heart for what feels like the hundredth time that day. She’d never imagined being a mother would give her a jigsaw puzzle heart - broken apart all the time only to be put back together by the very people who destroyed it. 

She wraps her arms around Peter and hugs him tightly, stroking his soft hair. “I love you so much, Peter.” She says softly. 

Scott clears his throat. “But what have we said about hurting people? You know that’s very, very wrong, Pete.” 

Peter hangs his head. “I know.” He says, his voice breaking just like his mother’s had. 

“It’s not the same as using your words. You know that, right?” Scott says. 

Peter nods and then reaches for Tessa’s wrist. “Kiss?” He asks, cocking his head. 

Tessa’s lip quivers as she holds back more tears and just nods. 

Peter kisses the bandage gently and Tessa folds him into her arms, lifting him up onto the bed. 

“Thank you, baby.” She whispers to him as she rocks him. This is part of what makes everything going on with him so hard. It’s like when he’s upset he’s not himself. It’s someone else, and when they have their little Peter back he’s the sweetest little thing anyone could imagine. 

“Are you mad?” Peter asks Tessa quietly and Tessa shakes her head. “I’m not mad.” She tells him. 

Scott lets her hold him for a while longer before offering to read him a story. “I’m sorry I forgot, bud.” He says. “I never want to do that again.” 

Peter nods and takes his father’s hand to lead him back to his room for a story. Scott turns to Tessa and gives her a small smile as he leaves the room. She offers one back. 

* * *

He reads Peter his favourite Wally the Whale book and gets him snuggled up in bed. “I love you, buddy.” He tells his son. 

“Daddy?” 

“Yeah?” Scott replies. 

“I didn’t mean to hurt her.” He says quietly, still ruminating on it. 

Scott tightens his lips and strokes his son’s hair. “I know.” He tells him. “And she knows that, too. We just need to think about how we’re expressing ourselves.” He sighs and thinks that’s probably too complicated a concept for his young son. “I mean… when we get angry, we need to tell people with our words, okay? That way mummy and I or your teacher, or anyone, can know what’s wrong and help you find ways to make it better. If you told mummy why you were mad, do you know what she would have done?” 

“Read to me.” Peter answers. 

Scott smiles and nods. 

“But _you_ were supposed to read to me.” He says. 

Scott winces. “Yeah, I know. But sometimes plans change and we have to be flexible. Mummy would have read you the same book, and she does Wally’s voice better than I do.” 

Peter nods. “That’s because women have higher frequency voices than men do. Closer to whale frequency.” He says, and Scott raises his eyebrows. Perhaps self expression isn’t too complicated a concept. Sometimes he forgets just how _smart_ Peter is. 

“So there will be times when plans change, but we can always work out a way to make that positive.” Scott tells him. 

Peter nods slightly, and Scott decides to leave it at that tonight. He kisses Peter on the forehead and tells him he loves him, slipping from the room after flicking on his whale night light. 

* * *

He thinks Tessa is asleep when he gets back to his room, so he climbs carefully into bed and presses up against her back as close as he can manage without stirring her. He just wants to feel her warmth. 

“Is he ok?” She asks, and her voice takes him by surprise, but he smiles because of course she stayed up, concerned about Peter. 

Scott rests a hand on her hip, rubbing it in circles. “He’s good, babe.” He kisses her shoulder. “Are _you_?” 

“I’m ok.” She says quietly, her hand finding his on her hip and pulling it up to her chest so she can hold it, pressing him even closer to her. 

“I missed you.” He whispers in her ear, nuzzling the soft spot just behind it with his nose. “I missed you so much, Tess.” 

“Me too. I’m so glad you’re back.” She hugs his arm close to her.

“I’m here.” He tells her. “We’re going to get through this, T. Together, right?” 

“Together.” She repeats, nodding and looking back at him so that she can press her lips to his.


	2. Still Petey

The next morning, Scott gets a huge hug from Noah, who climbs all over him, reminding him how rough that must’ve been on Tessa’s back, and also reminding him that he’d forgotten to ask her about it. He’d gotten up early, made breakfast and cleaned up a bit so that Tessa could sleep in. God knows she deserves it. 

“Daddy, can I go play in the swamp?” Noah asks excitedly. He’s their earliest riser, their little ball of sunshine and Scott adores him. 

“The swamp eh? That’s new.” 

Noah laughs. “Mumma calls it that. It’s just the garden.” 

“Oh, does she?” Scott laughs, amused. He’s been telling Tess he’s going to turn the whole thing into a flower garden for her but it’s mostly just a pit of dirt now that he’s so busy at the rink.

“Maybe we can play in _the swamp_ later, but this morning I think you and Connor are going to Grandma Kate’s.” 

“Oh yeah.” Peter says, his face lighting up. He loves Tessa’s mother as she always has special treats and fun games for them to play any time they visit. 

Peter strolls down the stairs then in his whale pyjamas. “Hi.” He says, yawning. “We have an appointment at ten-fifteen at Mount Sinai Hospital.” 

“That we do.” Scott says, wrestling Noah in his lap. 

“Mum says it’s with a psychologist.” 

Scott looks up at Peter, unprepared for this discussion. It’s partly why he hadn’t wanted to take him. He knows Peter will be extra perceptive of everything going on and he doesn’t want his son to feel like there’s anything _wrong._

“Yeah.” Scott says. “You feeling okay about it?” 

Peter nods. “Psychologists are important.” He says. “Mental health is an epidemic.” 

Scott holds in a laugh. Of course Peter is so matter of fact about it. 

“Should I wake mum up so we’re not late?” Peter asks. 

“Uh, no, why don’t we let her sleep a little?” Scott says. They have time. “I made pancakes if you want.” He gestures toward the kitchen and Noah perks up and scrambles from his lap. “Did you do hockey shapes?” He asks. Scott chuckles and follows his two boys into the kitchen. 

“We’ve got hockey pucks, hockey sticks, and whales.” He says, smiling proudly when he sees both his boys smile. 

“What’s that one?” Peter asks, pointing at one of the pancakes on the large plate on the counter. 

“Oh… that was supposed to be a flower for your mum. Turned out a little uglier than I’d hoped.” He says. 

“Pancakes?” Connor asks as he thumps down the stairs and joins them in the kitchen. 

Scott turns to his oldest and holds his arms out. “Hey, kiddo.” He says. Connor hugs him less enthusiastically then Scott would hope - he’s been finding it less and less cool lately to hug his parents, even at the tender age of eight. 

“Conn, there’s hockey pucks and hockey sticks and whale shapes.” Peter informs his brother. “And one ugly flower for mum.” 

Scott laughs. “Maybe don’t say it to mum that way.” Scott says to Peter, who shrugs. “That’s what it is.” He says back and Scott just ruffles his hair. 

* * *

Tessa’s set an alarm to make sure that she doesn’t oversleep and that she has enough time to the kids dressed and fed before they head out for their appointment but as she drags herself up and out of bed, she realises that Scott’s already up and it smells like he’s made pancakes. She smiles as she makes her way downstairs.

“Pancakes?” She asks as she strolls into the kitchen only to be ambushed by Noah, hopped up on maple-syrup as he lunges at her legs, hugging them tightly. 

She beams and hoists him up onto her hip. 

Scott turns and smiles widely at her, trying not to look too worried about her back and leaning over the counter. “Morning.” He says softly, kissing her. 

“Blah.” He hears Connor choke out, and decides to kiss her even more deeply and they both feel Noah’s little hand on their cheeks as he giggles. Tessa smiles at his antics which makes Scott smile against her in turn. 

“Gross.” Connor mumbles.

“Mum, there’s hockey puck and hockey stick shapes and whale shapes. And dad made one ugly flower for you.” Peter informs Tessa when she and Scott break their kiss. 

Tessa huffs a laugh. “An ugly flower just for me?” She blinks up at him and he laughs and slides it onto a plate for her with a couple of hockey puck pancakes, handing it to her so she can eat at the kitchen island with the boys. 

“I’m working on my pancake crafting skills.” He tells her. “I’ll get there.” 

“Hard work pays off.” Peter says, reciting the adage. He often does things like that - repeats phrases he’s heard. Most of the time his context is pretty accurate. 

“Very true.” Tessa says, kissing Peter on the head as she reaches for the maple syrup. 

Scott watches his family eat for a moment, feeling completely overjoyed to be back with them. They’re his people, and even if things get hard, he’s so lucky to have each one of them and he wants nothing more than to spend all his time here. He wishes work didn’t take him away so often. 

* * *

They get the boys into the car with hardly any fuss, but on the way to Tessa’s mum’s, Noah asks from the back seat, “Why are you going to the hospital? Is Peter sick?” 

Tessa turns around from the passenger seat to face her boys. “No, baby, we’re just going for something like a checkup. He’s just fine.” She says, looking up at Peter. 

Peter nods. “I’m not sick.” He says to his brother. “We’re seeing a psychologist like mum and dad used to because mental health is very important.” 

“Oh.” Noah says, kicking his feet. “Can I see one too?” 

Tessa laughs softly. “We’ll see.” She says. “Today, Grandma wanted to show you how to make cookies.” 

“Ohh!” Noah says, immediately following another train of thought. “Chocolate chip?” 

* * *

They leave Connor and Noah in Kate’s charge and she hugs Tessa and kisses cheek, holding her face in her hands. Scott can see the two of them from his spot in the living room where he’s untying Peter’s shoes so he doesn’t track mud around Kate’s house. 

Tessa’s nodding, looking apprehensive and Kate looks like she’s giving her something of a pep talk before the two of them embrace. 

When they’re back in the car with just Peter in the back seat, he takes Tessa’s hand and brings it to his lips, kissing the back of it. “You ok?” He asks softly, checking in with her. 

She smiles nervously at him and nods so he gives her hand a reassuring squeeze. 

* * *

The waiting room at the hospital has a fish tank that immediately draws Peter’s complete attention, and Tessa and Scott let him press his nose to the glass and watch the fish while they check in. 

The secretary hands Tessa a clipboard with a questionnaire attached for them to fill out while they wait for the doctor. 

She and Scott take a seat in the corner and glance over the list together, only to be interrupted before they can even finish looking at it. 

“Mumma, come look at this fish!” Peter says, flapping his hands, the way he sometimes does when he gets excited. 

Tessa smiles up at him. “In a minute, honey, daddy and I are busy.”

“Mumma, come look!” He says, louder, insisting. 

Scott sees the way Tessa grows tense. She knows better than he does the things that will set off one of Peter’s tantrums and he runs a hand across her back to ground her. “I can do it… if you want… if you think that’s okay.” 

They find it hard when they’re in public not to give in to Peter’s behaviours, as once he’s been set off, it takes a great effort to calm him. 

Tessa smiles weakly at him and squeezes his arm, giving him a nod before getting up and going to Peter who begins pointing out different types of fish to her. 

Scott goes through the list, furrowing his brow at some questions. 

_Is regarded as an “eccentric professor” by the other children._ He scratches his head. What does that even mean? He supposes sometimes Peter can talk about random things… can be a bit off topic. Sometimes it’s hard to follow his logic or train of thought, but most times he’s fine… He ticks the _sometimes_ box. 

As Scott moves on, he begins to feel more and more anxious as he finds himself checking the _yes_ box more often - 

_Lacks a best friend._

_Wishes to be sociable but fails to make relationships with peers._

_Insists on specific routines, inflexible to change._

_Has a deviant style of communication or a robot-like language._

_Has a literal understanding of ambiguous and metaphorical language._

_Has a deviant style of gaze._

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Fuck. Scott thinks to himself. His heart is in his throat when Tessa looks over at him but he forces a smile for her sake. 

The doctor comes out to greet them and Tessa manages to pull Peter’s attention away from the fish by reminding him that they have a _scheduled_ appointment with this doctor, who introduces himself as Dr. Henry. 

“So how we normally do things is that I’ll take Peter with me for a little while.” The doctor says. “And we’ll have you wait in the waiting room and call you in when we’re done with the evaluation.” 

“You don’t want me to come in?” Tessa asks nervously, and Scott smiles and rests a hand on her back. 

“We find that we generally do better without distractions.” The doctor says, rather bluntly and Tessa blushes. “No, of course, that’s alright.” She says and she leans down to speak to Peter. “Daddy and I will be right out here if you need us, baby, okay?” 

Peter nods, not seeming concerned about his parent’s whereabouts. “I have an appointment.” He says, and Tessa nods. “Yes.” She says in a broken whisper and Scott wraps an arm around her as they watch the doctor lead their son into a side room. 

Back in the waiting room, Tessa clutches Scott’s hand tighter than she had at the olympics, tighter than she had when she’d given birth. He tries his best to put on a strong face for her but the truth is that he’s terrified too. So he changes the subject because that’s all he can think to do. 

“How’s your back?” He asks her, running his free hand over the spot she’d hurt. 

“It’s ok.” She tells him. “It’s getting better.” 

He leans in close to her. “Maybe tonight we can take a hot bath?” He suggests. I can give you a little massage and we could just relax a bit.” 

Tessa smiles wistfully at him. She knows with three boys it’ll never happen but she appreciates the sentiment. 

“Maybe.” She says softly. She leans her head on his shoulder and he kisses her temple. 

“How long are you back for?” She asks, feeling awful that she doesn’t know his schedule but she’s just been so busy lately she hasn’t had time to think of anything but the boys. 

“Two weeks.” Scott says, having winced at the way she’d asked the question, like he’s only here temporarily. 

“But I’m here.” He tells her. “Let’s take it one day at a time, eh? Drew and Avery know how to handle themselves without me. 

Tessa shakes her head. “Don’t do that to them.” She says, thinking back on how she’d have felt if their coaches had ditched a competition. “I’m fine on my own, I was just wondering.” 

Scott bristles. “Tess?” 

She lifts her head from his shoulder and looks at him. “You’re _not_ on your own. I’m here. Even when I’m not here I’m… I’m here. You can call me, you know I’ll get on the first plane I can.”

“Yeah.” She says softly and pats his thigh. 

They sit in silence for a minute and Scott feels uncomfortable. When they’re good, they’re good, but he feels like sometimes she doesn’t quite believe him when he tells her how invested he is in their home life. There was a time when everything they did made sense. Everything was purposeful and communicated and every feeling was worked through with practiced ease. Scott’s been thinking about that a lot, the therapy they’d had to get there and he thinks it’s probably like most things, a muscle that has to be exercised if you want to keep it strong. 

“Hey.” He interrupts the silence and turns to her. She’s spaced out, lost in her own worries, they’re written all over her face. He takes her hand again to try and help, and she turns to him.  “What would you think about going back to therapy?” 

Tessa cocks her head. “What, us? Together?” 

Scott laughs slightly. “Yeah.” He says. “Us. Together. What do you think?” 

“Um…” Tessa blinks rapidly and he knows he’s taken her very off guard. He admires the way her lashes flutter and then lets himself get lost in the green of her eyes for a moment before she answers him. 

“What for?” 

He snaps himself back to reality and brushes the pad of his thumb over the back of her hand. “I just think maybe we could do a better job at communicating our feelings.” He says, and feels her stiffen at the word. It’s almost endearing, how averse she is to feelings when it comes to him and yet she talks about them with Peter so freely. It’s because she’d do anything for him, Scott knows. No matter how uncomfortable it is for her, if their babies need something she’s not going to hesitate, and so, even though it’s the absolute truth of how he feels, there’s also a part of him that knows he’s taking advantage of this characteristic about her when he says, “I just don’t think it’s good for the boys… if they hear us fighting the way we did last night.

Tessa angles her eyes downward and he can tell she’s hurt but he’s not sure if it’s about the way they’d fought or the thought that their sons might have heard. 

“I don’t ever want us to fight like that.” He adds, squeezing her hand. "Not just for the kids. For us, too. " 

She looks back up at him and gives a slight shake of her head. “Me either.” She says quietly. 

“And I think owe me an appointment, eh?” He says, elbowing her playfully and he sees her face relax for the first time since breakfast. 

She nods. “You got me there, Moir.” 

He opens his arms for her and they embrace, holding one another tightly. Scott rocks Tessa slightly, the way he used to do when she got _really_ nervous and she tightens her grip on his shirt. 

“We’re okay, T.”

She nods against him. 

“Hey.” He whispers when they pull apart. She looks up at him. “I love you.” 

She smiles, runs a hand down his chest. “You too.” She says quietly before turning back toward the door where the doctor had taken Peter for his evaluation. 

Scott smiles softly, trying not to feel badly that she hadn’t said the _actual_ words back. He knows she loves him, he knows that’s what she meant, but he still wants to hear her say them out loud. He thinks maybe that’s something he could bring up in therapy. 

Tessa pulls out her phone and starts looking through her camera roll, scrolls all the way back to the pictures of Peter as a toddler. He looks over her shoulder smiling at them as she flips through. 

There’s the one where he’d cried all day because the sky had been too sunny, the one where he’d thrown a fit because his red socks were too dirty to allow him to wear them for the tenth day in a row, the one where he’s standing in the lake at the cottage looking out at the water. 

That was probably the most peaceful moment they had all that year. 

* * *

ooo

* * *

“Scott?” Tessa calls from the cottage porch. 

Scott rushes in from the kitchen where he’d been finishing up making lunch. 

Tessa’s on the wooden floor, her back against the sofa, a notebook and her laptop at her side. “Help.” She says quietly, holding her arms up for him. 

He laughs and goes to her, leaning down and lifting her under her arms, pulling her to her feet. She’s a little over seven months pregnant with their third baby, just before she was ordered on bed rest, and, despite how much she dislikes it, Scott finds it absolutely becoming seeing her this way. He places a hand on her swollen belly and kisses her softly. “What’re you doing on the floor?” He asks. 

“I’m just trying to find a position that doesn’t make me feel disgusting.” She says. She'd been making tweaks to Drew and Avery's program in the little time she could afford while they kids slept. 

“Hm.” Scott nods, smoothing his hands down her sides and stilling them at her hips. “I’m sorry. Come here.” He presses closer, pulling her against him and nuzzling her neck, kissing a line up to her jaw. 

She angles her neck, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation. There’s so little that makes her feel comfortable when she’s _this_ pregnant. 

“Mh.” She hums softly, and Scott smooths his hand over the small over her back.

“You like that?” He whispers in her ear.

She shakes her head slightly. “No - I mean, yes. That’s nice. But you smell like mac and cheese.”

Scott laughs. “Yeah, that would be lunch. You hungry?” 

She nods eagerly, but suddenly Peter is screaming upstairs, which sets Connor off right after. The boys had been napping after the long drive up to the cottage. 

“Oh.” Tessa sighs.

“I got them.” Scott says, rubbing her back. “Go have something to eat.” 

Connor’s easy, so Scott scoops Peter up first when he gets up to their room and carries him over to Connor’s bed. He’s nearly five now, and Peter, only two, so he tells Connor there’s mac and cheese with mummy in the kitchen and that’s all he needs to do. Connor quickly quiets down and hurries off to the kitchen. 

Then, Scott turns to Peter, rocking him the way Tessa does, the way that always seems to calm him, but lately it seems to be getting harder and harder to comfort him at all. Sometimes not even Tessa can manage it, and Scott knows it’s starting to weigh on her. 

He tries his best with Peter, whispering softly to him, telling him he’s alright, that they’re at the cottage. He wishes he had ear plugs because he’s thinks the screaming might actually damage his hearing. 

Just when he’s getting frustrated, Tessa peeks in the door. “I can get him.” She says softly, padding over and sitting next to them on Peter’s bed. She holds her hands out for him and Scott transfers him carefully into Tessa’s arms. “Come here, baby.” She whispers, cradling him. 

“I’ll sit with him.” She says to Scott. “Will you go make sure Connor’s okay?” 

He nods and kisses her cheek, heading down to the kitchen to check on their oldest who’s sitting at the little table in the corner with mac and cheese stuck to his forearms. He smiles a toothy grin at Scott who chuckles. 

He leaves Tessa upstairs with Peter for half an hour before switching out with her again. It’s an arrangement they’ve worked out through trial and error. When he’s like this, there’s not much you can do except talk to him, so they take things in shifts so that it doesn’t get too overwhelming for either of them to handle. 

By Tessa’s second shift, though, she’s starting to lose it, feeling the tears of frustration building up behind her eyes. She’s sure it’s mostly due to the hormones, but part of her feels like she’s failing him as a mother, so she lifts him into her arms and carries him downstairs. 

Scott immediately comes over with his arms out, assuming she needs a break, but she shakes her head. “I’m just going to take him down to the beach.” She says. “Can you…” She nods toward the door and Scott opens it for her, quickly telling Connor to come with him. 

He takes Peter from Tessa as they walk down the long wooden staircase so she won’t have to carry him all the way down, but she reaches back for him when they’re in the sand. 

Connor races down the beach chasing gulls and Scott settles Peter back in his mother’s arms before chasing after Connor. 

By the time he and Connor get done running, they’re nearly a mile away, and he worries that maybe they’ve gone too far. _What if Tessa needs help?_

So he lifts Connor up on his shoulders much to the boy’s amusement and runs back in the direction of the cottage. He sees Tessa sitting in the sand with Peter curled up in her arms. She’s whispering to him softly and pointing out at the ocean, and he’s nodding and then… Scott sees him _smile_ and it’s all the stress and the worry immediately melts away because his boy is smiling again. Finally.

Scott doesn’t ask her until later that night how she’d gotten him to calm down. They’d been too glad, too cautious they’d jinx things to talk about it, so when they boys go to bed and it’s just he and Tess curled up on the sofa, he asks her. 

She looks up at him and shakes her head. “I don’t really know.” She says. “I was telling him about the lake and then the ocean and the fish that were probably swimming around in it and he just seemed to really like that.” 

* * *

ooo

* * *

And that was the beginning of Peter’s fascination with marine life. He’s been collecting every fact he can ever since.

For Tessa and Scott, it’s been the way to diffuse many of his breakdowns, but can also lead to them when they have to pull him away from something he’s not quite ready to leave. 

It’s always a nightmare leaving the aquarium, for instance. 

“I love him so much.” Tessa says quietly next to Scott as she studies the picture of Peter smiling. 

“I know. Me too.” Scott says, rubbing her back and wondering if Tessa’s thinking back on that day as well. 

“He’s going to be okay. No matter what.” Scott tells her again.

Tessa nods, trying not to let herself get emotional but anxiety’s been known to do that to her more often than not, especially when it concerns her babies. 

The doctor calls them in shortly after and they stand in a room adjoining the exam room where Peter’s consumed by a set of bean bags.  They watch him from behind a two way mirror and Scott doesn’t like the feel of it. 

The doctor’s talking, saying something… _atypical, concern, social skills…_ and then he hears Tessa interrupt. 

“ _Autism_?” She feels like her heart’s been torn from her chest. She’s terrified and she reaches for Scott’s hand as she bites back a sob.

Scott’s there, reaching for her at the same time, and they clutch each other tightly as the doctor nods and explains that it’s really very common and there’s a huge spectrum and Alex might not really have any noticeable deficits at all.

_Deficits._

Tessa feels like she’s going to throw up. Scratch that, she _is_ going to throw up. 

“Excuse me.” She blurts over the doctor as she clamours out of her seat and throws the door open to run down the hall to the ladies room.  She wretches over the toilet for what feels like forever before she hears the door open. 

“Tess?” It’s Scott. “T, open the door.” He says, pushing on the stall door. 

Tessa flushes the toilet and wipes at her mouth before opening it for him.  Scott all but falls into her arms, pressing his face against her neck and cradling her head.  He’s shaking against her, and she’s so shell shocked that all she can do is run her hand over his back. 

“Are you alright?” He mumbles into her neck. 

Her voice is scratchy as she manages to tell him she feels sick, as if that weren’t obvious.  He straightens up, takes her face in his hands. “We’re going to be ok.” He tells her for what feels like the hundredth time. He just needs her to believe it. _He_ needs to believe it. “We’re going to be ok.” 

Tessa nods and Scott presses his forehead to hers. “We’re going to be ok.” He repeats again. “Petey is going to be ok.” 

Tessa clutches his wrists. “Is the doctor still with him?” She asks.

“He… uh… I just kind of ran out here after you.” Scott answers, blinking at her.

“Oh God.” She says, pushing past him. “They’re going to think we just _left_ him there.” 

Scott follows her out into the hall and they quickly make their way back into the office, breathless with worry. 

But there was nothing to worry about so it seems, as the doctor’s now on the floor with Petey, both of them with bean bags balanced on their arms. 

“I’m so sorry.” Tessa gushes as Petey and the doctor look up at them. 

“No problem.” The doctor says smiling. “We were just getting acquainted. I’m actually used to parents needing much longer.” He chuckles. 

“Mumma, bean bags.” Petey says, wagging his hand in that excited way.

Scott places a hand on Tessa’s shoulder and gives her a squeeze. 

“Pretty cool, Pete.” Tessa says, stepping forward and bending to lift Petey up into her arms, wincing only slightly at the pain. Peter's more than worth it. 

He moulds to her body and rests his head politely on her shoulder so Tessa can give him a quick peck on the nose.

The doctor stands. “I’d like to speak with the two of you privately, if that’s alright.” 

Tessa sets Peter down. “Baby, we’re going to be in the room right next door, is that alright?” 

Peter nods and gets back to playing with his bean bags without a fuss. 

“Peter seems to be quite high functioning.” The doctor says when they’re alone. “Certainly more so than I was at his age.” 

Scott and Tessa both pause for a moment, a question on both of their lips.

Finally, Scott blurts out, “You’re autistic?” 

Tessa elbows him in the side and glares. 

“It’s alright.” The doctor smiles, “I _have_ Autism, yes. I was diagnosed when I was a year younger than Peter. If you’d like I can recommend some books to you on the subject. There are people with Autism in all fields, and I think you might find it quite interesting. The most important thing to keep in mind is that Peter is capable of a great many things. Just like any other child, his potential is untapped. But goals and achievements might look different for him. Sometimes wearing shoes all day will be a huge feat, but the next day he might win the school spelling bee. He’s going to have a hard time being flexible sometimes, I’m assuming you’ve already noticed that based on your questionnaire. There are services he’ll have access to with the diagnosis that will help with that among other things.” 

Tessa and Scott nod. It’s a lot of information at once. 

Tessa tries to speak, but finds her throat is very dry. 

The doctor says, pulling at the hem of his shirt, “This morning Peter woke up with Autism, just like every other day. But now you know about it. That’s the only difference. He’s not a different child.” 

It helps Tessa feel better.

“I’ve written down the names and numbers of some specialists here.” He says, handing Scott a small white card. “I think they’d be helpful to both of you and Peter.” 

“Thank you.” Scott says, and with tears in her eyes, Tessa thanks him as well. 

“No need to thank me,” The doctor says, “it is my job after all. It was nice to meet all of you.” He pokes his head into the room next door where Peter is. “Nice meeting you, Peter.” He says.

* * *

Tessa and Scott don’t talk the whole way out to the car. Peter babbles about the types of fish that were in the tank in the waiting room. Scott gets him buckled him into his car seat and Tessa climbs in the front. Scott takes her hand when he’s buckled in himself and brings it to his lips, kissing the back of it softly. She holds a stack of papers the secretary had given them in her lap and feels completely overwhelmed and anxious, not to mention absolutely atrocious as a parent who had waited so long to get her son help. She blames it on herself and resolves to call every specialist she can that afternoon, despite the fact that it’s Saturday. She’ll leave messages if she has to. 

Scott notices how caught up she is and squeezes her hand, making her look up. 

“Why don’t we make a stop at the pet store before we head back to Grandma’s.” He suggests, and sees Peter perk up in the back. He’ll deviate from his schedule if it means he gets to look at fish. 

“Yeah!” He exclaims, his voice breaking that apparently monotone pattern that Tessa and Scott had just attributed to her personality and Tessa smiles softly, so very thankful to have Scott here with her. She lets her shoulders relax a bit and Scott leans over the center console and presses a kiss to her cheek. 

“You guys look like kissing gourami’s.” Peter catches Scott’s eye and informs him. “Only I can tell mum’s a girl and dad, you’re a boy. It’s very hard to tell the gender of kissing gourami’s. Plus, mum says you and her kiss because you love each other but kissing gourami’s usually kiss to suck mucus off of other fish’s scales as food.” 

Tessa smiles and sticks her tongue out, sufficiently grossed out, and Scott’s eyes crinkle as he laughs. 

“Oh, no I _was_ kissing mum to suck the mucus off of her skin.” He says, winking at Peter and lunging forward, pressing his lips to Tessa’s cheek and slurping and sucking playfully and loudly until she bats him away, giggling and shaking her head at him. 

“Delicious.” Scott grins at her. 

“I think that was a joke.” Peter says from the back, and Tessa turns to him, smiling widely. “Most definitely a joke, babe. Good catch.” She says, winking at him and feeling more at ease. 

Their Petey is still their Petey. 


	3. Therapy pt.1

* * *

Eight Months Earlier

* * *

“Hey, sweetheart.” His words are sanguine, the way he’s spoken to her every day for the past week. She can’t stand it. 

She squints in the light he’d flicked on and covers her face with her hands but despite this obvious show of dissatisfaction he doesn’t shut them back off. She knows he’s concerned. She doesn’t blame him for being concerned. He probably _should_ be concerned.

He sets a bowl of soup down on the bedside table and kneels beside the bed. 

“Hey.” He whispers, his fingers curling gently around her wrists. “Let me see that beautiful face.” He feels so awful. He’d do absolutely anything in his power to help her feel better. 

She resists him as he pulls gently at her wrists. 

“Come on, baby, look at me.”

“Stop.” She says, her voice breaking. 

“Tess.” He sighs. “Please, honey.”

“Stop.” She says again, pulling away, her hands still covering her face. It’s positively childish and she knows it but she doesn’t care. She feels like she’s going to scream or burst into sobs or maybe some combination of the two and she doesn’t want Scott to see that look in her eyes. 

Scott sighs and releases her wrists. “Okay.” He says softly. “Okay.” He runs a finger up and down her arm. “What can I do then?” He asks. “Are you hungry?”

She pulls her arm away and is glad her hands are still covering her face so she doesn’t need to see the hurt in his eyes. 

“Tess.” He says. “Please, baby. Please just…” His voice breaks and Tessa winces. “Please talk to me. I need you to talk to me. I don’t know what to do. I’ll do anything you need, just say the word, Tess, and I swear I’ll do it. I just… need you to talk to me.” 

She shakes her head. “Shut the light off.” She says from under her hands where she can feel the tears have started to roll down her cheeks. 

He does, but he doesn’t leave. 

“Scott, please just…” She lets her hands fall from her face and sees his heart break when he catches sight of her tears. 

She shakes her head. “I can’t.” She says quietly. “Scott, I can’t.” And she starts to sob. 

He’s back on his knees, his face crumpled up in worry because he just can’t help her no matter how hard he tries. 

“I need… space.” She says finally. “I just need to be here, crying and - and miserable for a little while.” 

She can tell he’s dying to touch her, so she reaches out for him and sees him nearly jump to grab hold of her hand when she offers it, pressing his forehead to her knuckles and nodding. “Okay.” He says. “Ok.” 

“I’m sorry.” She says weakly. He’s had to deal with so much and take care of the kids and… it really wasn’t fair to him when he’d lost everything too. She’s so grateful for him but she feels selfish at the same time. 

He’s shaking his head. “Hey.” He says, pressing his forehead to hers. “I get it. You need to go away for a little while up here.” He presses his forehead into hers, meaning _go away in her head,_ and she bites back a sob as she nods. 

“Ok.” He says. “Ok, Tess. But you need to promise me you’ll come back, ok?” 

Tessa nods. “I will.” She tells him. “I just need one more day to just be… sad.” 

Scott nods. “One more day. That’s ok. One more day and then…” he sniffles. “Then I get my Tess back?” 

Tessa nods, closing her eyes because she can’t stand to see the hurt in his. 

He kisses her forehead and whispers to her, “You’re so strong, baby. I love you so much.” 

* * *

Present

* * *

“Hey, Tess.” Scott says as he turns over in bed. The sun’s just beginning to rise, little streaks of light painted on the ceiling that Tessa’s focused on. 

Scott moves closer to her, draping an arm across her abdomen and resting his head next to hers on her pillow. 

He nuzzles her cheek and kisses her there softly. “You’re up early.” 

Tessa doesn’t answer, just rests her hand on his wrist where it’s draped across her and curls her fingers around it. 

“What’re you thinking about?” He asks, his voice raspy with sleep as he presses closer. 

She blinks herself out of her daze and turns her head to him. “Nothing” She says in a whisper. 

He smiles at her and kisses her nose. “That’s hard to believe.” He tells her. 

When she doesn’t answer him he nuzzles her cheek again. “Know what I’m thinking about?” 

“Hm?” She hums. 

“I’m thinking about how quiet it is right now.” He kisses her cheek. “And how much I miss you, how good you feel… I want you so much, T.” He slips a hand under her shirt and runs it across her waist only to feel her tense up. 

He stops and removes his hand, looking up at her but she keeps her eyes focused on the ceiling. 

“Okay.” He says softly, understanding that she just doesn’t want this now and figuring she doesn’t really want him around interrupting her either. He kisses her cheek one last time before climbing out of bed to get an early start on breakfast. She doesn’t move from that spot, staring up at the streaks of light, unsure why there’s a lump in her throat and a quiver in her lip. 

She’s not sure if there’s something wrong with her lately, and she feels badly about it, not being able to explain it to Scott let alone understand it herself. She feels like so much of her life is stuck on bedrest… and it’s invisible to anyone but her but she’s terrified that if she moves, everything will break apart. At the same time if she doesn’t move she thinks she might go crazy. It sounds awful and she feels incredibly guilty because she loves her boys more than anything in the world, and they should be enough for her, they really should. But she feels like she needs something else, too. 

It’s been three weeks since Peter’s diagnosis, and Tessa’s felt like she’s done little else than research and meet with specialists. It’s been exhausting, truthfully, because she feels like she’s only doing Peter more of a disservice the longer she remains ignorant of all the facts of his diagnosis. She feels embarrassed that it’s taken her so long to get him to someone and she’s kind of upset at Scott for not being more proactive. She’s not sure he’s even looking into ASD besides to read the pamphlets they’d gotten from the doctor and listening to her spout off about what she’d read before they go to bed. 

_She’d_ been the one to scour the internet for therapists, _she’d_ been the one to schedule the appointments, _she’d_ been the one to enroll Peter in a social group, _she’d_ been the one to go out and buy books on the subject, _she’d_ been the one to finish all of them in two days and leave sticky notes at all the most helpful pages, which he hadn’t bothered to look at at all. She’s upset with him, because it feels like he’s not taking this seriously. 

“Mumma?” The bedroom door creaks open and Peter pads in in his whale pyjamas with his bedhead hair sticking out all over the place.

Tessa’s face immediately relaxes and she holds her arms out for him. “Hi, baby.” She says.

He climbs into bed beside her and rests his head on her shoulder as she holds him. 

“I have an appointment with a speech therapist tomorrow after school at three-thirty.” He tells her. 

Tessa nods. “Yes you do.” She says, and kisses the top of his head. 

“What will we do?” He asks, looking up at her with those big brown eyes that tug so violently at her heartstrings. 

“Well.” She says. “Tomorrow we’re just going to meet her, that’s all. We just want to see if she might be someone you like working with.”

“Does Connor have to go too?” He asks her. 

Tessa swallows hard. She’s been trying to find a way to explain this to him but she has no guidance and no idea how to go about it. She thinks she should probably just be completely transparent, to Peter and his brothers, but she wants to talk about it with Scott first and she’s been so busy with everything else, and he’s been away and they just haven’t had the chance. 

“Connor has soccer practice.” She tells Peter, and it seems to make sense to him. 

“Dad is making eggs.” He tells her. “Because those are your favourite.” 

She smiles softly and kisses him on the forehead. “Why don’t you go get some, sweetheart.” 

He looks up at her and she sees something in him, like a sort of realisation that something’s amiss and he hugs her. Her breath catches in her throat as she hugs him back tightly. 

“Hugs help people feel better.” He says softly against her chest. 

Tessa nods. “They do.” She whispers and drops another kiss to the crown of his head before he pulls back and climbs out of bed to get breakfast. 

Tessa lays there at least another half hour, just unable to bring herself to get up. She’s sad. She feels sad for so many different reasons. And then she feels selfish for being sad because she has so many wonderful things and people in her life. But she can’t help the tears that creep up on her and when she can’t hold them in any longer, she presses her face into her pillow and cries.

“Hey.” She hears after a while with her head buried in the white cotton of her pillow. It’s Scott. “Tess?” He runs a hand down her arm and she jolts away from him for reasons she can’t can’t fully articulate in the moment. She turns away from him because she doesn’t want him to see her crying. She wants to be stronger. 

“Tessa.” He says and she can hear the worry in his voice. “Tessa. Hey.” says softly. She feels the mattress sink in slightly and knows he’s sitting on the side of the bed. “Hey, honey.” He says, and he touches her shoulder timidly. She pulls away again. 

“Scott, please don’t.” 

He’s silent for a long moment. “What can I do?” He asks, his voice shaking. He sounds scared and she closes her eyes tightly and wishes she’d just gotten up and had breakfast. 

“I’m fine.” She says. “I’m just tired.” 

“Tess?” He asks and she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t want him to hear her voice break. 

She can see his reflection in the window, his hand hovering over her arm. She can _feel_ how much he wants to touch her. He’s such a tactile person and she knows it’s where he finds comfort and how he offers comfort and without that medium he feels unsure of what to do. And he looks absolutely gutted. 

She sighs, wipes at her eyes and pushes herself up, turning to him. “Thank you for making breakfast.” She tells him. 

He chews his lip and looks down almost shyly. “Do you want me to bring you a plate?” 

“No.” She says softly, reaching out and stroking his cheek. He looks up at her with those big, sad brown eyes and she forces back the tears that sting her eyes all over again. “I’m getting up.” She says, letting her hand fall from his face before he can reach for her. 

“Okay.” He says, and she can tell he’s not satisfied, but he lets her by, watches her wrap herself into a robe and decides to give her space, taking a shower while she eats with the boys. 

* * *

They have a babysitter come over for the kids, Amanda, a recent college graduate who lives with her parents down the street. She used to sit for Connor when he was a baby and she was just a teenager. 

It had taken a lot for Tessa to be comfortable with her watching her babies but eventually, as she got to know the girl better, she began to trust her, and the boys absolutely loved her, not to mention she was always really great with Petey. 

They’re silent in the car as they drive into the city. Scott steals glances at Tessa when he can, feeling slightly uneasy. 

“You okay?” He asks her finally, breaking the silence as he pulls into a metered spot. 

“Hm?” She looks over at him, raising her eyebrows. “Yes.” She says, unbuckling her seatbelt and trying not to sound annoyed. 

“Okay.” He says. "Because if you're feeling um... bad again, we can talk about that today." 

"I'm not." She says firmly, though she's not sure it's the truth. 

"Okay." He says again, not pushing her. He's silent for a moment before asking,  “How long’s it been now since we’ve been in therapy?” As they walk down the blustery Toronto streets. 

"Years." She says. "A long time.” 

Scott nods. “You ready for it?” 

She looks up at him. “I don’t really know what we’re going to talk about.” 

Scott smiles. 

“What?” She asks. 

“You always said that.” He laughs, “And we always had plenty to talk about.” 

“Well… it’s different now.” She says, looking away. 

“Yeah.” He says. “Now we have three kids, one recently diagnosed with ASD and we hardly ever have any time to ourselves. I can’t imagine how we’ll fill the time.” 

Tessa looks over at him and he laughs. She cracks the smallest smile, glad he’d left his obvious concern for her out, but she’s nervous. Therapy makes her nervous. Vulnerability makes her nervous. It always has. 

Scott holds the door for her when they finally reach the office, a large Whitestone building with a heavy mahogany door. The air inside is warm and that musky heat smell that plagues older buildings overtakes Tessa for a moment, but Scott sets a hand on her back and leads her to their therapist’s office, down a matching mahogany hallway with various Toronto cityscapes hanging on the wall in black and white. 

They sit in the waiting room for a few minutes, neither of them saying much, just taking in the surroundings before the therapist calls them in. 

“Tessa and Scott? I’m Dr. Lindsay Cristian, but please call me Lindsay. It’s nice to finally meet you.” 

They’d agreed on her because she’d seemed like the friendliest option with the most flexible schedule (Sunday appointments) and nothing more. Tessa hadn’t really put much thought into it and Scott seemed happy to go with just about anyone. 

She’s a short woman, shorter than Tessa, with light brown hair and dark brown eyes. She’s wearing a black turtleneck and jeans with black ankle boots and Tessa respects her style and also her decor. As they join her in her office - painted a calming seafoam green, there’s hardly any clutter at all, save for a small folder on her desk and a notepad that she’s left on a chair. She settles in said chair and offers them the sofa. “Please, have a seat.” 

She looks to be about fifty, with some smile lines, which Scott always takes as a good sign of someone’s character, and she seems relaxed, not like she’s trying to win them over just so they’ll make another appointment. 

“So.” She says, and Tessa braces herself for the question she dreads most at first therapy appointments. “What brings you two here today?” 

She can feel Scott glance over at her but she doesn’t answer, just keeps her eyes on the coffee table in front of them, cedar, she thinks, with cork coasters - three of them. She wonders if Lindsay adjusts the number of coasters to match the number of people. 

Tessa looks up finally when Scott answers. 

“We feel like we have a strong marriage.” He says, “But there are certain times when we don’t communicate our problems effectively. So I think we’d like to work on that.” 

Lindsay nods and directs her gaze to Tessa. “Tessa, does that line up with your reasoning?” 

Both Tessa and Scott raise their eyebrows. 

“Hm?” Tessa hums, not having been prepared to be asked something directly right off the bat. 

“Well, Scott said _we_ , so I wanted to make sure that you were in agreement.” 

Scott feels himself flush. He hadn’t meant to speak for Tess. “I’m sorry.” He says, and Tessa shakes her head.   
“No, no. That’s ok, that’s um… well…” She thinks for a moment, gives Scott’s arm a reassuring squeeze because she can tell he feels badly, and says, “That makes sense to me.” 

Lindsay smiles. “I just want to be sure that we’re both heard equally here. Are there other concerns that you have, Tessa? Or Scott, I’m not limiting you to just that.” She chuckles. 

Scott’s quiet, looking at Tessa. 

“I think that um… sometimes I get frustrated about certain things.” Tessa starts, choosing her words cautiously, “Sometimes I feel like…” She sighs deeply. “Like things aren’t _enough_? Or that we don’t um… share things equally…I don’t know if that makes any sense…” 

Lindsay scribbles something down in her notebook. “Okay.” She says, not asking for any further explanation. “And you, Scott? Do you have other concerns you’d like to address? Of course we can always add or subtract, this is a working list, I just find it’s helpful to have an overview.” 

“Well… Our kids.” Scott says. “Especially our son, Peter, who was just recently diagnosed with ASD.” 

Lindsay nods. 

“And um…” Scott looks down at his hands. “Intimacy.” He says quietly. 

Tessa whips her head over to look at him, her face turning a deep red and her heart starting to race. She hadn’t even thought he’d noticed their lack of intimacy lately, he’d never mentioned it to her. 

He glances at her quickly and looks back down at his hands. “Maybe more if it comes up, I don’t know.” Scott says quietly, and Lindsay nods. 

“Well we have a good starting place anyway.” Lindsay says. 

She has them go into their personal histories to give her a bit of backstory on each of them. It’s easy because the backstory merges when they’re so young and they take turns telling her about their changing relationship as they’d gotten older. Lindsay smiles and confesses that she’s seen some clips of their old performances and had been very impressed. 

It’s all they really speak about that day, and Tessa finds herself relieved that there’s not more. 

Lindsay says she’s excited to get to work with them and they bid adieu, Tessa and Scott stepping back out into the hallway. 

Scott looks over at Tessa, searching her face for something. “Would you want to get lunch?” He asks, hopefully. “Just the two of us?” 

Tessa chews her lip and checks her watch. “I really think we should get home to the boys.” She says. “Just in case. Plus, I have a million things to work out with their schedules so I can get everyone where they need to be tomorrow.” 

Scott looks down at his feet but nods. “Yeah, sure.” He says, “Let’s go home.” 

The drive back feels tense and they both hate it. It’s like there’s so much unsaid between the two of them that the wall of it just keeps being built higher and higher. 

Scott decides to venture a chance. “What did you mean by things not being enough?” He asks her. “And not sharing things equally?” 

Tessa leans her head back against the car seat and shuts her eyes. 

“It’s really not a big deal.” She tells him. 

“But it matters, though.” He says back immediately. “Or you wouldn’t have mentioned it.” 

_I probably shouldn’t have_ she thinks to herself before taking a breath. “I just meant that… I know I have the best job in the world being a mum, but sometimes I get… I get jealous seeing you doing other things, working, traveling. That’s all.” 

Scott nods. “Tess, that’s completely understandable.” He says. “I want you back at the rink too, I think we can manage that, don’t you? Everyone would love to have you back.” 

Tessa chews her lip. “Maybe.” She says. 

“I don’t want you to feel like you can’t do the things you want to do. We’d make it work no matter what.” He says. “We could take turns traveling or - or my mum could stay over with them -“ 

“I _don’t_ feel like that.” She says quickly. “That’s the problem.” 

Scott furrows his brow, his eyes fixed on the car in front of them. 

“I feel like there’s _so much_ I could do… I just… I think maybe I might want to do something besides coaching and I’m trying to figure out what and _how_.” 

“Oh.” Scott says, trying his best to hide his disappointment. He’d been genuinely excited at the prospect of having her back at the rink with him. “Well do you have anything in mind?” 

Tessa shrugs. “I don’t know yet.” She says. It’s a half truth. She has a fair idea, maybe even loose plans, and they’re exciting but she doesn’t want Scott to stress about them. She doesn’t even know if they’ll work out. 

“Okay.” He says. “Well you know you can always bounce ideas off me.” 

Tessa smiles softly, feeling guilty that she doesn’t really want his input just yet. “Thank you.” She says. 

She’s not going to bring up the other concern she had, hoping that Scott will have forgotten about it, but of course he doesn’t. 

“Does the not sharing things equally have something to do with working? I mean, I know it’s not fair leaving you alone with the kids when I’m away. You just don’t get any time to yourself.” 

Tessa shrugs. “Not exactly.” She says, and Scott glances over at her. “I feel like sometimes you just aren’t concerned about things like … Have you even read about autism? Like at all? I’ve left you all those books and you haven’t touched any of them.” 

She can feel the way Scott tenses up. “Of course I’m concerned.” He says. “But sometimes I think maybe you’re _too_ concerned. He’s been fine, Tessa. I mean yeah he has some behavioral issues but otherwise -“ 

“It’s part of his diagnosis, Scott.” She tells him.

“No, I know that but I just think maybe you go a little overboard on the research and it makes you a little more worried than you need to be.” 

Tessa’s silent for a long time and Scott looks over to her. “It’s not that I don’t worry _at all_.” He says. “But I think maybe you worry too much.” 

She turns her face toward the window so he can’t see her as she blinks back tears. _Why did that hurt so much?_

_“_ Tessa?” He asks, reaching out for her. He touches her arm gently but she shrugs his hand off. “It’s fine.” She says. “I think maybe we should save that conversation for therapy.” She’s trying to avoid a fight and Scott grimaces at the obviously hurt tone of her voice, but acquiesces. “Sure.” He says and he turns the radio on to the station she likes.   


It’s not until the boys are in bed and Tessa’s on her laptop in the living room when Scott decides to talk to her seriously. 

“I’m sorry if I took you off guard today.” He says, and she looks up from where she’s typing out an email. 

“What do you mean?” She asks, though she’s fairly sure what he’s getting at. 

“The uh… intimacy stuff in therapy.” He says. 

“Oh.” Tessa says softly. “It’s ok. I’m sorry it’s an issue.” It feels cold the way she responds and she feels badly for that but she’s upset for reasons she doesn’t fully understand - or at least doesn’t want to fully acknowledge. 

“No.” He says, shaking his head. “No, it’s not your fault. I mean - It’s both of us, right? I know you feel..." He trails off, "And I'm not talking about jumping right into things, T. It's just that I think we should talk to someone about it so we know how to handle it.” 

“I don’t know what you mean by that.” She says defensively and Scott moves from his spot, shoulder leaning against the doorframe, and comes over to join her on the sofa. He sits beside her and looks at her with those eyes just like Peter has. 

“I just want to know if I’m asking too much to want… more of you.” He says softly. “I don’t want to push you after-“ 

“Scott.” She shakes her head. “Please.” 

“Yeah.” He says softly. “I just want to make sure. That’s all. If you just need more time that’s fine… I mean… I guess I’m just confused because I just get these mixed signals.” 

Tessa scoffs and Scott tries not to get upset. 

“I want to make sure it’s not something _I’m_ doing and I’m also just worried about you, T. I know it’s hard but I feel like we should talk about it.” 

Tessa shakes her head. “Not now.” She says. “Please.” 

He nods. “No, of course. Whenever you want. I just want you to know that I think maybe we should, you know? Maybe it would help.” 

“Do you want to fuck me?” She asks, bluntly. “I’ll fuck you, right now.” It's uncharacteristic for her to lash out this way, but she really can't stand talking about this and a wave of anger at the world rushes over her because she's just so frustrated. 

“Tessa.” Scott says, shaking his head and running a hand through his hair. It sounds awful, like she just wants to get it over with so he’ll stop bothering her about it. 

“No?” She asks when he doesn’t answer. “Now _I’m_ the one getting mixed signals.” 

“Tessa.” He repeats. “I - of course I want you -“ 

“You want to _fuck_ me.” She says. “It’s ok, say it.” 

He stares at her for a moment, brow creased before saying, “I want to do so much more than _fuck_ you. If you don’t know that by now…” He shakes his head and sighs, getting up. “I’m sorry. When I said intimacy I didn’t just mean sex. It’s so much more… you don’t even let me touch you. You don’t even want to talk to me about it. I'm just worried.” 

She looks down at her computer because she’s going to cry again if she doesn’t and she doesn’t want him to see it. 

He walks away then, giving up and leaving her to her work, which she tries to refocus on but ends up throwing the laptop from her lap and onto the cushion beside her, wrapping her arms around herself tightly and shutting her eyes as she tries to breathe more evenly. 

Upstairs, Scott slams things around as he gets ready for bed. Throws the tube of toothpaste down disdainfully, brushes his teeth violently, shoving his dresser drawer more roughly than he should, regretting it directly after because he doesn’t want to wake the kids. He’s just so _frustrated_ because something’s obviously very wrong and Tessa won’t talk to him about it no matter how hard he tries. 

He’s right. They aren’t intimate nearly as much as they’d been. It’s a combination of so many things she doesn’t even know how to detangle them all in her mind. 

And she _is_ sending him mixed signals. She wants him every time he’s away - She calls him and _tells_ him how she wants him and she hears the way it makes him respond, so hopeful each time that when he gets back she’ll _still_ want him. 

It’s fucked up and unfair and she understands why he’s frustrated and worried. Not to mention the fact that they’ve just been _off_ lately. It’s like every time they try to have a real conversation it ends up dissolving into an argument. She hates it too.

She comes to bed later than usual, smelling like wine and something sweet and as she walks by Scott’s desk in the little nook in the hall she sees one of the books she’d ordered open and bookmarked. He’s reading them. She sighs to herself. 

She climbs into bed she presses herself to Scott’s back, lets her hand fall to his hip and her lips just under his ear where she kisses him. 

“I’m sorry.” She whispers. “Come here.” 

Scott hums softly, half asleep but fully aware of Tessa’s presence and he turns toward her. She strokes a hand across his cheek gently and he shuts his eyes at the sensation. She lets her fingers trace across his scalp next, coaxing a deep sigh from him as he rests a hand on her hip. 

“I’m sorry.” She says again. “I’ll try harder.” 

Scott presses his forehead to hers. “It’s not your fault.” He tells her, eyes still closed, but hand coming up to stroke her hair. “We’ll work through it.” 

She nods against him. They love one another. It’ll be ok. It _has_ to.

* * *

It’s another week and several of Peter’s appointments later. Tessa’s been incredibly busy with Peter, talking him through therapies, trying to help him feel less overwhelmed with all the changes to his normal schedule, and Scott goes away for a few days to a competition, and then Sunday comes around and they’re back in therapy.

“I just feel like it’s awful that we didn’t know sooner.” Tessa’s saying of Peter’s diagnosis. “I feel like we missed out on years of help he could’ve had and maybe he wouldn’t be having such a hard time now.” 

She’s wiping at her eyes and Scott can’t stand to see her so worried. “He’s ok, Tess.” He says, feeling like he needs to help. “It’s alright.” 

“Don’t patronize me.” She says, her words sharp. The feeling’s been building up ever since last week when he’d told her she worries too much. 

Scott shakes his head. “I wasn’t.”

Tessa opens her mouth but Lindsay interrupts. 

“Scott how do you feel when Tessa’s worried?”

Tessa flushes having attention called to it. 

Scott looks over at Lindsay, somewhat distracted and he winces. “Like I want to fix it.”

Lindsay nods. “And can you? Is it possible to fix everything?”

Scott drops eyes down to his hands and shakes his head no. 

Tessa watches him wearily. 

“Are there things you know you can’t fix?” Lindsay asks him. 

Scott nods. “Of course.” He says, his voice breaking. He doesn’t like to think about it. 

“And what do you do then?” She asks. 

Scott fiddles with his hands. “I - I can’t always fix the problem.” He says, “but I’m pretty good at getting her to feel better… at least I used to be, I think.”

He sounds so unsure of himself now that it really hurts Tessa to hear. 

“And why is it the worrying, then, that’s so hard to watch? Because if the problem - the reason she’s crying is still there, what are you accomplishing?” 

“It’s just hard to see her like that.” Scott says simply. “Because I love her.” He turns to her but she has her eyes trained on her hands. “I love you.” He says. “So much. And it hurts to see you sad or worried… I just want to help, Tess. That’s all I ever want to do.” He takes a deep breath Tessa glances at him and gives him a small nod. He’s encouraged by this and he continues, looking up at Lindsay and then back at Tessa. “There are a lot of problems we can’t fix. But we help each other through them. I think that’s what I’m accomplishing - or at least working toward. I’m telling her that we’re in this together and we always will be, and that even if things are hard for a while she doesn’t ever have to do them alone.” Scott shrugs. “I don’t want her to do them alone. I want to do everything with her, even when it sucks.” 

Lindsay nods, thinking on his answer. “That’s very true. I think the two of you are quite aware of how you’re supporting one another. And I think that’s interesting what you’re saying about wanting to be a _part of it_. Do you feel like there are times when you’re not?” 

Scott swallows hard and looks over at Tessa who wraps her arms even more tightly around herself. 

“I…” Scott says with a sigh and finally he just nods. “Yeah.” He says, honestly. “Yeah, sometimes she-“ He turns to Tessa and restructures his thought. “Sometimes I feel like we don’t talk about the things that bother us. And to be fair, sometimes I’m not physically there, but I’ve told you a million times you can call me. I _want_ you to call me. But you never do. So sometimes I _feel_ like you don’t want me around for the hard stuff.” He says to Tessa rather than Lindsay. “And maybe it’s because I don’t know the right ways to help, but I’m willing to listen, Tess.” He says. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it, you know that, right? If there’s something you need, please just tell me.” 

“Tessa?” Lindsay prompts. 

Tessa shakes her head, tears welling up again in her eyes. “I can’t.” She mouths. 

Lindsay nods. “Ok.” She says softly. “But we’re going to revisit this.” 

She turns back to Scott. 

So, how do you feel emotionally then, when she’s upset - when she cries?” 

He looks over at Tessa, sees the tears in her eyes, sees the way her cheeks are flushed and her nose is red and sees her folding her body in on itself, her arms across her chest and her legs crossed. 

“I feel sad, too.” Scott says softly. 

Tessa looks at him, her shoulders lowering slightly. 

Scott tears his gaze away from her as he can feel his own eyes stinging and he presses the heels of his palms into his eye sockets until he sees stars, willing himself not to cry as well. 

“I’m sorry.” He says weakly. “Sorry.”

When his eyes readjust he can see Tessa’s uncrossed her arms and rests one hand on the cushion of the sofa beside her, like she’s trying to be closer to him but not too close just yet. 

“No need to apologise.” Lindsay says softly and turns to Tessa. “How does it make you feel when Scott cries?” She asks, and Tessa blinks hard and swallows thickly. “Like the world is ending.” She says, her voice scratchy and slightly hoarse. 

Scott reaches out for her but stills himself, considering that she might not want him to touch her. 

“I’m wondering how you feel about that statement, Tessa.” She says. “That he thinks maybe you don’t want him around for the hard stuff.” 

Scott raises his brow and watches Tessa closely. She stares at her hands, thinking before looking up at Lindsay. “It makes me feel sad.” She says. “But not surprised, I guess.” 

Lindsay leans back in her chair. “Ok.” She says. “Why does it make you feel sad?” 

Tessa licks her lips. “I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want him around - ever.” 

Lindsay nods. “And why doesn’t it surprise you that he sometimes _does_ feel that way.” 

Tessa shuts her eyes tightly and takes a deep breath before looking back at Lindsay. She can’t bring herself to look at Scott but she can feel his eyes on her nonetheless. 

“I’m not good at um… I don’t know, I’m not good at admitting when I need help. Sometimes it makes me feel weak. Sometimes I feel like he’ll think I’m being overly sensitive.” 

“What do you mean by that?” Lindsay asks. 

“I know I worry a lot.” She says softly.

“You’re an anxious person.” Lindsay says, simply, normalising it. 

Tessa nods. “And Scott isn’t.” She says. “Sometimes I think he must be sick of hearing about all the little things that pop into my mind.” 

Scott opens his mouth, but Lindsay holds a hand up to him, reminding him that it’s Tessa’s turn to talk. 

Tessa glances at Scott for a moment before quickly looking away.“And when I do tell him about a worry he just always tries to tell me why I shouldn’t be worried, like he always tries to tell me everything will be fine, but he doesn’t _know_ that, and it’s frustrating because I feel like he thinks it’s ridiculous, that I just _think_ too much.” 

Scott hangs his head. He’d had no idea, but looking back he can definitely understand why she might be feeling that way. 

“Ok.” Lindsay says. “So would it be accurate to say that you feel like he minimises your problems?” 

“Sometimes.” Tessa says quietly. 

Scott feels his heart sink. He’d never _ever_ wants to do that to Tessa. 

“Do you think it’s purposeful?” Linsday asks. 

Tessa quickly shakes her head. “No.” She says. “I know it’s not.” 

Lindsay nods. “Do you recall what he said about not being able to help you if you don’t tell him what you need?” 

Tessa nods, lowering her eyes. 

“Do you feel like that might be part of the issue?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa sighs and nods. “I just feel like sometimes I need too much.” She says quietly. 

Scott winces. He doesn’t ever want her to feel like that either. 

“Do you think Scott thinks you need too much?” Lindsay prods. 

Tessa’s silent for a moment as she thinks about it. “He’s never made me feel that way.” She says. 

Scott’s shoulders relax somewhat. 

“So that’s your own assessment of yourself, then?” Lindsay continues. 

Tessa nods yes. 

“Do you think you’re a self critical person, Tessa?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa blushes because she’s always known that. She nods yes again. 

Scott smiles weakly. 

Lindsay lets that sink in for a moment before looping back, “Can I ask why you feel like you need too much then, when Scott’s never made you feel that way?” 

Tessa chews her lip. “I stay at home with the kids.” Tessa’s voice wavers. This is hard to talk about. “It’s my only job. He travels and coaches _and_ deals with me and the kids.” 

“I don’t _deal_ with you.” He says quickly, before Lindsay can stop him. 

“That phrasing bothers you.” Lindsay observes, deciding to roll with it. 

“Yeah.” He says, and Tessa looks down.

“What about it bothers you?” 

“I _want_ to be there with them. She makes it - I _feel_ like phrasing it that way makes it sound like a chore.” He says, taking the blame out of his statement. 

Lindsay smiles at his implementation of that strategy. 

“Tessa, do you feel that way? Like sometimes it might be a chore for Scott?” 

She nods silently.

“Why is that?” Lindsay asks. 

“I…” She begins but then takes a deep breath. “I feel like I should be able to handle things on my own. I feel like I shouldn’t need him so much.” 

The hurt is written so obviously on Scott’s face that Lindsay turns to him. “Scott, what are you thinking?” 

“I just don’t understand why you can’t talk to me about these things.” He says to Tessa. “We need each other. It’s not a matter of how much. We support each other when we need it. We always have Tess, I don’t understand what’s changed.” 

“I’d like to bring up a concern you’d mentioned before.” Lindsay says, “Intimacy.” Tessa wants to crawl under the sofa. 

“Intimacy has a lot of different, complicated meanings. Sometimes interrelated meanings.” 

Scott nods. 

“When you said intimacy was a concern, Scott, what did you mean by that?” 

‘I uh…” He looks over at Tessa who won’t look at him and feels badly because he knows this upsets her and she’s afraid he’s going to mention what had happened only a few months earlier. 

“I just feel like we used to be a lot closer. And it wasn’t even that long ago, it’s just like… everything stopped and I don’t know what to do about it because it feels like Tess doesn’t want to talk to me about any of it.” 

Tessa crosses her arms.

“Tessa, do you feel there’s been a lack of intimacy in your relationship?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa nods.

“Do you have an idea why?” 

Tessa chews her lip. “It’s my fault.” She says. “I’ve just been having a hard time with… with feeling like _myself_ lately.” 

“Why do you think that is?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa takes a deep breath. There are multiple reasons but she goes with the simplest, “I feel like… everyone needs me all the time.” She says. “And the kids - they’re _kids_ , I expect them to need me, and I love that they do. I love that I can give them myself… but sometimes it feels like I just have nothing left over afterward for myself or… or for Scott.” She glances over at him and looks away quickly. 

Lindsay smiles encouragingly. “That makes a lot of sense, Tessa.” She says and looks to Scott. “Scott, what are you thinking?” 

“I think that it makes sense, too.” He says. “I wish you’d told me sooner.” 

“I feel… I just feel like it’s a failure.” She says. 

“Tess, of course it’s not.” Scott says quickly. “Why do you think that?” 

Lindsay smiles because that had been her next question. 

“It’s my _job_.” She says. “You do yours and then you come home and you help. You do both and I can’t even do one.” 

Scott shakes his head. “Tess, they need you way more than they need me.” 

Tessa shakes her head but Scott continues. “I can’t… I can’t give Peter what you do. I don’t know how to explain things to him the way you do. And you take him to all his therapies and juggle the practices - I’m not there for that, T. And Noah’s still just so little - I see the way he looks at you, you’re his whole world. I mean - you go and take a shower and he’s all over me asking when you’ll be done. It’s adorable but it’s a lot. I know it is. And when I’m away - I mean - I know how hard it is, I’ve done it on my own, too, and I’m nowhere near as good at it as you. It’s the hardest job in the world and you’re amazing at it, T. They love you so much. And I’m sorry that I’m making it harder. I know I’m asking too much -“ 

Tessa shakes her head. “You’re not.” She says. “I just can’t… right now.” 

Scott locks eyes with her and the two of them seem to communicate something without speaking. 

Lindsay furrows her brow, wishing she could pursue it further but they’re out of time. 

* * *

The car ride back is less intense than the week before, but neither of them speak much. Later that night Scott sits next to Tessa while Noah sleeps against her chest where he'd fallen asleep watching television with her. 

“Do you want me to-?” He asks, holding his arms out for Noah, offering him to take him up to bed. 

Tessa shakes her head and smiles. “I want to hold him.” She says. “Just a little longer.” 

Scott smiles widely. “Hey, you know, I was thinking and… I think maybe I’ll step back from competitions, be more of a technical coach so I won’t be away as much.”

“Scott.” Tessa says, trying to keep her voice controlled so she won’t wake Noah. “Don’t do that, you’re so happy now.” 

He smiles sadly. “I’m not, though.” He says, and she scours his face for any sign that he’s just _saying_ that, but she can’t detect any. 

“I miss the kids.” He says. “I miss…” He nods at Noah. “This.” 

Tessa smiles softly. “Do you want to hold him?” 

“When you’re done with him.” He says, and she laughs. Holding her youngest does feel like a form of therapy. He’s getting so big that she won’t be able to hold him like this much longer. 

“Here.” She says, leaning forward and settling Noah in Scott’s arms. He stirs just slightly as he finds a comfortable position, but curls into Scott’s chest adorably. 

“I’d still be their coach.” He says, continuing their conversation while looking down lovingly at Noah. “I just wouldn’t travel with them. At least not as much.” 

“Who would be their coach?” Tessa asks. She still cares so much about her athletes. 

“Mike is great.” Scott says. He’d come on when Tessa needed to stay home and Scott had kept him around.

“I want to do this, Tess.” Scott says. “I just can’t miss anymore of this.” He holds Noah tighter. 

Honestly, Tessa hadn’t even been thinking that he’d felt that way. It makes her feel strangely happy because she knows the boys will love having him around more, but also sad that she’d just assumed Scott had been happy with their arrangement. 

She smiles at him. “I love you.” She tells him and the way it makes his face light up breaks her heart because she knows he’s been waiting for her to say it. 

“I love you, Tess.” He tells her. “So much.” 

He looks down at Noah for a moment before looking back up at her. “You know, we could talk about things just the two of us, if you’d rather.” 

The smile fades from Tessa’s face. “I need to go get Peter in bed. You’re ok with Noah?” 

Scott nods. “Yeah.” He says, looking slightly disappointed. 

* * *

Scott gets Noah to bed and happens to walk by Peter’s room just as Tessa’s finishing his book. 

He pauses outside the doorway where he can’t be see and listens to Tessa read, contorting her voice in all sorts of ways to make Peter giggle. She lets him tell her about the different fish in the book in far more detail than any children’s book would go, and when she’s finished, she tells him, “Good night, baby. I love you to the moon and back.” 

“You can’t go to the moon, you’re not an astronaut” Is his reply, and Scott smiles softly.

Tessa laughs, “You’re right about that. You’re too smart for me. How about… I love you to the hadopleagic zone and back.” 

There’s a pause where Peter thinks on it a moment before observing, “That’s far.”

Tessa nods and tucks her face into his neck. 

“But you can’t go there either.” He says softly. “Too much pressure.” 

Tessa chuckles. “What’s the biggest deep sea creature there is?” She asks. 

“Well we can’t actually know because so much of the deep sea has yet to be explored.” 

She smiles against him. “What’s the biggest _known_ deep sea creature?”

She hears him breathe an excited breath and hugs him closer. He’s so precious. 

“It depends on if you mean heaviest or longest.” He says. 

Tessa laughs softly. “Heaviest.”

“Well for heaviest, the sperm whale. The cuviers beaked whale can swim deeper but is nowhere near as heavy.” 

She smiles, and Scott can’t help doing the same from out in the hall. Of course it’s the _sperm_ whale. 

“I love you more than the weight of all the sperm whales in the whole wide world.” Tessa says. 

Peter is quiet for a long moment. “That’s heavy.” He says. He sounds impressed. 

Tessa nods and pulls him tighter kissing his head. 

She leaves his room quietly, flicking on his nightlight and closing his door behind her, jumping when she sees Scott standing there and pressing her hand to her chest. 

“Oh gosh.” She sighs.

“Sorry.” He says quietly. 

“What are you doing?” She asks, “you could have come in.” 

Scott shakes his head. “I didn’t want to intrude.” 

Tessa takes his face in her hands. “You’re his father. He loves you. He’d love to have you there.” 

It takes Tessa off guard when Scott presses forward suddenly and wraps her tightly in his arms, pressing his face into her neck. “Thank you for being their mum.” He tells her. “Thank you for being my wife. Thank you for everything you do.” He wants her to know how much she does for them. It's so much more than she realises. 

She runs her fingers through his hair, an action that makes him melt against her, his eyes closed. He’s missed that feeling.

“Thank you for everything _you_ do, Scott. You work just as hard.” 

“I miss you so much.” He says softly. “I miss just holding you like this. I’m sorry.” He says softly, releasing her. “If it’s too much sometimes, I mean - I know it’s too much sometimes…” 

“Scott.” She says, interrupting him. “Will you take me to bed?” She wraps her arms around his neck and she sees his eyes go all soft and his smile spread across his face before he lifts her into his arms and carries her swiftly into their bedroom, setting her gently into bed and pulling the covers up over her. 

“Come lay with me.” She says, holding her arms out, and he all but scrambles to join her. 

She holds him close, lets him rest his head on his shoulder so she can stroke his hair. “I miss you too.” She says finally. “And I miss us… _together._ ” 

He understands what she means and looks up at her. “I’m right here, Tess. Whenever you want me. Whenever you’re ready.”

But the nervous look on her face tells him all he needs to know, so before she has to answer him he says, “Maybe we could just lay like this for a while?” 

Tessa relaxes and nods and they hold one another. 

“Maybe I’ll bring it up next week.” She says quietly after some time. 

“Yeah?” Scott asks, his fingers stroking across her cheek. “I think it could help.” 

Tessa nods. She can't just sweep it under the rug forever. 


	4. Therapy pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI! Just a disclaimer that this chapter contains discussion of a miscarriage!

Tessa feels selfish. She feels badly for not bringing it up in therapy, for asking Scott not to bring it up. It happened to him too and he was hurt as well, but it’s so hard. 

She’d had it in the back of her mind the whole session, while they talked about the kids - how Scott feels like he’s missing out on too much time with them. 

“I just see the way they look at Tessa and like… she’s the one they go to when they’re hurt or scared because it’s just second nature at this point, she’s there when they need her and I’m not.” 

Tessa looks sorrowfully at him. She truly hadn’t known. 

“Tessa, you look like you have something to say.” Lindsay prompts. She has an uncanny ability to detect things like that. 

“I don’t know why you haven’t mentioned it to me.” She says. “That’s all.” 

Scott hangs his head. “I guess maybe the same reason you haven’t really talked to me about sharing things equally or wanting more… I don’t know, T. I think we got off track and then I just didn’t see an alternative until recently. 

“I could have helped, though, Scott. We could have talked through it.” 

Lindsay looks between them. 

“I feel like this is becoming a theme.” She says, smiling slightly. Each of you feeling like you don’t want to bother the other with problems you think are too big or too small, while all the other wants is for you to confide in them.” 

Scott and Tessa exchange a glance. 

“It’s not uncommon.” Lindsay says. “And it’s really good that we’re here and able to talk about this so we can see what’s going on. But that’s just my perspective. Does it feel that way to you two?” 

Scott nods. “I didn’t realise I was doing the same thing.” He says, and Tessa chuckles which makes him smile. 

“I’m sorry.” She says as they step out of Lindsay’s office. 

Scott furrows his brow. “What for?” 

She shakes her head. “I couldn’t do it.” 

Scott moves toward her, takes her face in his hands and presses a kiss to her nose. “When you’re ready.” He says. “I meant it. You don’t need to rush it for me.” 

“It hurts so much.” She says and Scott winces. 

“I know.” He tells her and reaches for her hand. She lets him take it. She has been feeling closer to him lately. She’s not sure if it’s the therapy or the thinking she’s been doing on her own, but it’s been better. 

She squeezes his hand tightly and he squeezes back. “Do you want to go for a walk?” He asks. “We don’t have to talk about it, I just thought… you like the city so…” 

She smiles softly at him. She does like the city, but she doesn’t feel like walking. That part hasn’t been easier, the getting herself out around… people. She’s there for the kids, and she’s trying to be more affectionate with Scott, but everything feels like it takes so much energy. It’s a sweet offer and she hugs him. “I just feel a little tired.” She tells him, and when she pulls back she can see him try to disguise his concern, but he’s never been very good at that. 

“I’m ok.” She says. “I promise.” 

* * *

Tessa’s applying lotion that night, one of her legs balanced on the lip of the bathtub while she works it into her skin. 

Scott walks in to brush his teeth and pauses for a moment in the door watching her. She senses him and glances up at the mirror to see him. 

She smiles softly at the way he looks at her. She’s started noticing it more lately, started realising how _nice_ it is to feel wanted. And Scott’s really good at making her feel that way. 

“You look happy.” She says.

He breaks out into a huge smile that makes her heart hurt because she can’t remember the last time she’d seen it. 

“I feel good - That I’m going to be around more.” He says and he finally moves from his spot at the door to sit on the rim of the tub.  
He looks down at her leg for a brief moment before asking tentatively. “Can I do that for you?” 

Tessa smiles gently and nods, and before she even takes her own hands away, his are are on her leg, warm and strong, wrapped around her calf, his thumbs brushing upward. He’s doing a lot more for her than just rubbing her lotion in, he’s pressing his thumb into her muscles, releasing the pressure there and it feels _good._ It’s just like he used to do. He’d always done things like that for her. At its core, it was a way for him to care for her, and a way for him to feel connected to her.

He strokes his thumbs gently over her scars. He treats them as his own, because they are in a way. She got the surgery for the both of them. 

He moves up higher and she can see the way he’s focused in on her, every one of his movements purposeful. He brushes her robe to the side so he can move up her thigh, but stops midway, backing off and looking up at her apologetically like he’d been getting carried away. Those little moments mean so much to him and she’s missed them as well, she’s realising it more and more. She wants to tell him to keep going. She _wants_ him to touch her. She feels the words _don’t stop_ bubble up in her throat and she just manages to open her mouth, about to say them, when Noah rushes in the bathroom. “Mumma! Daddy! I used the potty!” He alerts them. 

She laughs at herself and takes her leg down from the tub, watching Scott watch her as she pulls her robe closer to her body. He keeps his eyes on her a moment longer before turning to Noah to give him a high five. 

* * *

When he joins her in bed that night she’s reading. He stays on his side of the bed, doesn’t break her focus, though he’s all she’s really thinking about. She sighs and sets her book down, unable to focus on anything she’s reading. 

She shuts her bedside light off and turns on her side to look at him. He’s reading an email on his phone, one arm bent, hand behind his head, the other holding the phone in front of him. 

She rests her head on her pillow, tucking her arm under it comfortably, admiring the way his tendons tense and form little divots as he scrolls down. 

When he finishes, he sets his phone on its charger and shuts his own light off, turning on his side to face her, his eyebrows raising as he realises she’s looking at him. 

He smiles and moves closer, each of them on the very edge of their respective pillows, their noses nearly touching. 

“You’re so beautiful.” He tells her. 

It’s out of nowhere and she smiles because it’s so _Scott_ to tell her lovely things out of the blue like that. 

“So are you.” She whispers and watches him wink at her. She can tell he thinks she’s joking but she’s not. Not even a little bit. 

“Thanks for humouring me.” He says, and she’s not quite sure what he means, but he adds, “I like doing things for you.” And she realises he’s referring to the lotion. Oh, it makes her heart hurt that something so simple means so much to him. He sees her expression change and reaches up like he’s going to stroke her hair but then pauses, unsure if she wants to be touched and reconsiders, lowering his hand and smiling despite himself. It makes Tessa sad. She moves closer and sees the surprise on his face, and when she doesn’t want to see it anymore - because it hurts that it’s a _surprise_ to him that she wants to be close, she tucks her head under his chin and presses her face into his shoulder, her arms finding their way under his so that she can hold him, embrace him, and breathe deeply of his scent. 

He moves a hand to her waist and runs it up her side and down her back. The action is so soothing to Tessa that she closes her eyes and relaxes against him. He must be able to feel the way the tension leaves her body because he whispers softly to her, “I got you, T.” And the words send butterflies through her stomach. She loves him. 

They fall asleep just like that, and Scott sleeps better than he has in a very long time. 

* * *

Next Saturday evening at dinner, Noah looks up from his meal and says, through a mouthful of pasta, “My friend Adam’s going to get a baby sister.”

Scott tenses up. 

Adam is Scott’s friend’s son. He takes Noah over for playdates every so often because the boys are friends, but it also means that he and his friend can hang out too. Tessa calls it his adult play date which he always insists sounds far dirtier than she intends it to. 

“Oh really?” Tessa asks. She hadn’t known April, Adam’s mum, was pregnant.

“She’s coming in two months. Daddy told me.” Noah says, nodding. 

Tessa glances up at Scott who quickly looks down at his pasta. He knows she’ll be upset that he hasn’t told her April is pregnant, but he couldn’t bring himself to bring up babies. 

“Wow, that’s so exciting.” Tessa says, a smile plastered on her face. 

“Yeah.” Noah says, chewing, and then he cocks his head like he’s deep in thought. “Mumma, why’d you choose three boys?” 

Tessa chews her lip and forces a laugh. “You don’t actually get to choose, baby.” She tells him. “Some fish have male babies when the temperature is warmer, and they’ll have females when the temperature is cooler.” Peter chimes in. “Mum, maybe you were too warm to have a girl baby.” 

Tessa winces but manages a smile at Peter. “Maybe. I don’t know if humans work the same way.” 

Scott’s about to jump in to change the conversation, but Noah decides to speak before Scott can manage it. “Adam’s mummy’s belly is really big.” He says. “Mumma, was yours like that too?” 

“Hey, Noah, maybe we should tell mummy about that dog we met in the park.” 

“Mumma had a big belly when you were born, Noah.” Connor says, talking over his father. “I remember.” 

“Some fish get really big bellies because they have lots of eggs inside when they’re preg - pregnant.” Peter says, stumbling a bit on the word. 

Tessa nods at him. 

“Mumma, show me a picture!” Noah says. 

Scott sighs. This conversation really spiraled. He should have known better, but Noah hadn’t even seemed interested in the fact that April was pregnant, and Scott hadn’t really thought he’d bring it up again. 

“Hey, guys, let mummy have dinner, okay?” 

“No, it’s ok.” Tessa says, trying her best to smile at him. 

“Yes, I had a big belly.” She says, poking Noah in his own belly and making him giggle. “‘Cause you were a big baby - Here.” She says, pulling her phone out and scrolling back through her pictures. She hasn’t sought out these pictures in a long time and she feels badly, like she’s tried to forget about her pregnancy with Noah. It had been so hard for her but after everything that had happened she looks upon it differently now, sees it as more of a privilege, because she was able to have a healthy, happy baby. 

Scott watches her carefully as she finds a photo and hands her phone to Noah who immediately erupts into a fit of giggles, making Tessa smile. 

“I was a _really_ big baby, I think.” He says, and Tessa laughs. 

“Can I see?” Peter asks, and Noah hands him the phone. “Mumma, you look like a guppy.” He says, having been too young to really remember what she’d looked like. 

Scott leans over to see the picture and can’t help the smile that spreads across his face. That was the day they were at the lake when Peter first became interested in fish and just before Tessa had been ordered on bedrest. 

He’s told her as much many times, but he’s always had a bit of a thing for pregnant Tess. Knowing that she was carrying _his_ baby did things to him. Not to mention she just looked adorable carrying a baby on her small frame. 

Scott looks back up at Tessa as Peter hands her phone to Connor who giggles. “I forgot about that.” He says. 

He can tell Tessa’s trying really hard to keep the smile on her face. 

“Anyone want dessert?” He asks, his final attempt to take the heat off of her, and Noah turns to him, sufficiently distracted, “Yeah!” He shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. 

Tessa takes her phone back and Scott watches her a moment as she studies the picture, before he gets up and retrieves the cupcakes he’d picked up from the bakery that he and Noah always stop at after playdates. 

* * *

“Hey.” Scott says as Tessa joins him in bed. He reaches out and runs a hand down her back as she sits facing away from him, removing her earrings before turning toward him. “You okay?” He asks.

“Yeah.” She says quietly, leaning back against the pillows. “fine.” 

“You sure, T?” 

“Yeah.” She says. “Why wouldn’t I be?” 

“I didn’t know-“ 

“You could have told me April was pregnant.” She says, before he can even finish his sentence. 

Scott sighs. “Yeah. I’m sorry, I-“ 

“I mean, _imagine_ how rude she must think I am for not even calling to congratulate her. And we have to get her something-“ 

“She knows.” Scott says, and Tessa stops talking for a moment. 

“She…” She trails off and Scott nods. 

“You told her?” Tessa asks, the hurt evident in her face. She hadn’t wanted anyone to know. 

“I didn’t tell _her,_ I told Paul, and I guess he must’ve told her so… she doesn’t expect anything, Tess, you don’t have to worry about that.” 

Tessa stares down at her lap for a long time, her knees pulled close to her chest. 

Scott reaches out but she pulls away. 

“Tess.” He sighs. 

“You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone.” She says. “I don’t want people looking at me like… I just don’t want _pity_.” She says. 

“You hardly ever see them anyway.” Scott says, “And they know that, they understand.” 

“You promised.” She repeats, her voice breaking and her cheeks flushed red. 

“I know, Tess, but…” 

“But what?” She asks. 

“But I needed to talk to someone about it.” He says quietly.

She stares at him for a moment. 

“I’m sorry.” He says, but she shakes her head and gets out of bed. 

“Tess.” He calls to her.

She wraps her robe around herself.

“Tess, where are you going?” 

“I need a walk.” She says. 

“Tessa.” Scott throws the blankets off and gets out of bed. “Come on, it’s cold out.” 

“I need a walk.” She repeats, “I’m fine. It’s fine. I just need a walk.” 

He lets her go because at this point he knows better than to stop her. She’s dealing with this her own way. 

As soon as she steps out into the frigid air, her parka zipped up to her neck, the tears start to fall. She feels so awfully for making Scott conform to her needs. He’s been so good to her through the whole process and she hasn’t been able to offer him the support he needs. Not only that, but she’s actually prevented him from reaching out to others. She’s glad he hadn’t listened to her. She’s glad he’s told Paul because at least he’d had _someone_ to talk to. _God,_ he couldn’t even talk to their _therapist_ about it. How fucked up is that? How is she just realising this right now? She feels like she’s been so caught up in her own grief that she’s neglected his completely. They grieve differently, and, while she’d thought he’d just been trying to be closer to her for her own sake, to drag her out of her head, she thinks now that perhaps he was reaching out for _comfort_ as well _,_ and she’d been denying him that in more ways than one. 

By the time she manages to stop crying, she’s a mile from the house, and she takes her time walking back, breathing deeply and trying to string together an apology. 

When she gets back, he’s on the sofa, waiting for her, the t.v. on quietly, casting a blue glow throughout the room. She kicks her shoes off and he stands from the sofa and moves toward her. 

“I’m so sorry, Tess.” He says. “I shouldn’t have-“ 

“You should have.” She says. “You absolutely should have.” She holds her arms out for him and, yet again, he looks so very surprised. 

But he moves toward her and presses himself against her, wrapping her in a tight hug and resting his cheek on the crown of her head, swaying them a bit. 

“I’m so sorry, Scott.” She says, clutching the material of his shirt in her hands. 

He runs a hand over her back. “You don’t need to be sorry.” He says. 

“Yes, I do.” She says quietly. “I’ve been so caught up in my own… stupid head.” 

“Hey.” He says, angling his head downward so that his forehead is pressed to hers and he can look her in the eye. “Your head’s anything but stupid.” He says, and then he presses a kiss to her nose. 

She releases his shirt and holds his cheeks in her hands. “I didn’t realise I’d shut you off from everyone.”

He smiles sadly. “S’okay.” He says. “I’m ok, T.” He winks at her. “Just like you, eh?” 

Her lip quivers. “I know I need to talk about it.” She says. “And I want to talk about it with _you_.” She feels his back straighten up when she says it, like he’s prideful that she wants to talk to him about it and it makes her feel even worse that he felt like she might not want to. “But it’s so hard.” She says. 

“Yeah.” He nods. “It _is_ hard.” He strokes her hair. “And that’s why I don’t want to rush you.” 

She blinks back the tears burning her eyes again. “You can talk to me about it.” She says. “And you can talk to Paul and April and your parents and your brothers… I’m so sorry for keeping that from you.” 

“We grieve differently.” He says, still stroking her hair. “That’s definitely not your fault. And I want you to have whatever you need, but I just couldn’t not talk to someone about it.” 

Tessa nods. “I’m so sorry I didn’t realise.” 

Scott shakes his head and pulls her into a tight hug again. “Jesus, you’re freezing, T.” 

She huffs a laugh because she hasn’t even realised it until just now. 

He takes her face in his hands. “Let me warm you up?” 

Her smile grows and she nods. 

He pulls her close, rests a hand on the small of her back and uses the other to wrap around her upper back, holding her shoulder, and she relaxes against his chest, resting her head on his shoulder as he begins to sway them again gently. It feels so nice, almost like they’re dancing. And they are, in a way. It’s a slow, silent waltz and it means everything. 

Tessa feels the tears again because she realises how much she’s _missed_ this, having him close, breathing his scent, feeling his arms wrapped around her. He’s been right here this whole time but she’s been too afraid of _feeling_ that she’s deprived both of them of this closeness. 

The tears start as a slow trickle from her eyes and Scott can feel them soaking through his shirt. He doesn’t try to stop her, he just pulls his fingers in and then pushes them back out in a soothing motion on her back and keeps swaying them. 

Soon, she’s clutching his shirt again, one hand on his back, the other by his neck, opposite where she’s buried her face into his chest to muffle her sobs.

“I got you, T.” He whispers to her, and for the first time in the eight months they’ve been dealing with this grief she finally lets him in, lets herself completely surrender to him, lets him care for her the way he’s been trying to do. She knows it’s as therapeutic for him as it is for her, and when she feels like it gets to be too much, he scoops her up and carries her to the sofa where he holds her and lets her cry as much as she needs to. 

It’s honestly a relief for him because he’s known for so long that she’s been absolutely crushed, but she’s shown so little of her hurt to him that he’d worried she’d never to terms with it, so to see her finally letting the emotion out, leaning on him because she _trusts_ him means so much. 

“I know, baby.” He says softly when he hears her whimper. “I know, it’s ok. It’s ok.” 

She’s so exhausted by the time she feels cried out that she can hardly keep her eyes open. And Scott’s hands on her, stroking her hair and rubbing her back, his warm body holding her close and rocking her gently, make her feel sleepy. 

“I’ll talk about it.” She whispers, her voice hoarse from crying. “I’ll bring it up tomorrow.” 

He kisses her temple. “On your time, kiddo.” He says softly, wiping at his own tears. “No rush.” 

She hugs him tightly and he returns the gesture, hearing her yawn against him and chuckling through all the tears. “Come on.” He says, lifting her. “Let’s get you to bed.” 

He carries her upstairs and she crawls under the covers feeling more exhausted than she had when she’d had a newborns to look after. Emotions are so much _work_. 

But Scott’s right there for her and she’s there for him, and they gravitate toward one another easily and as naturally as they’d used to. It feels good. And they sleep. 

* * *

They’re holding hands as they walk into their therapist’s office and Tessa sees Lindsay raise her eyebrows when she realises it. 

“You two look happy.” She says. 

Scott laughs and Tessa chuckles nervously. 

“How’s the week been?” Lindsay asks as they sit down across from her. 

Scott looks over at Tessa. “Pretty good, I think. Pretty good from my perspective. How about you?”

Tessa nods. “Hard.” She says. “But good.” 

Lindsay smiles. “That’s interesting.” She says. “Hard how?” 

“I feel like I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotions lately…” Tessa says. “But I’ve realised that maybe it’s okay… maybe that’s just life… and it’s nice to have someone to lean on to help me through them.” 

Lindsay nods and sees the slight smile on Scott’s face when she says it. 

“That’s pretty insightful.” Lindsay says. “What provoked that realisation?” 

Tessa chews her lip. “Well…” She says. “We’ve been having a lot of trouble um… connecting lately.” She says. “And it’s mostly my fault.” 

“This is about the intimacy.” Lindsay observes. 

Tessa nods. 

“We’ve talked about how intimacy can mean a lot of different things, I’m wondering what you mean when you say it.” 

“Kind of everything.” Tessa says. 

“Okay.” Lindsay says. “Can I ask why you believe it’s your fault that you’ve been lacking this intimacy lately?” 

Tessa sighs. “I…” She tries to bring herself to say it but just can’t. Not yet. “I feel like sometimes I have a hard time _letting_ myself accept affection.” 

“Why is that?” Lindsay asks, leaning closer. 

“It can make me feel weak.” Tessa says quietly. “And it makes everything feel … real.” 

“So, would it be accurate to say that when you feel an influx of uncomfortable emotion you’d prefer to shut off all emotional behaviour as an attempt to shut the uncomfortable emotions out?” 

“Yes.” Tessa says hoarsely. 

“So while your goal is to shut out the uncomfortable emotions, the rest of it is incidental.” Lindsay clarifies. 

Tessa nods. 

“And why does affection make you feel weak, then?” Lindsay asks, looping back to address the first half of Tessa’s statement. 

Tessa keeps her eyes trained on her hands in her lap. “Sometimes I think I need too much.” She says. 

Lindsay leans back in her chair. “Okay.” She says softly. “Thank you for being so honest, Tessa. Scott, how do you feel when you hear her say that?” 

“It confuses me a little because she’s not weak. I don’t know why she’d feel that way. It’s hard for me to help because I don’t know when to push and when to back off. I just - I know she’s hurting so I think I just naturally want to give her everything she wants, but when she just wants to be left alone it’s really hard. I don’t always think that’s the best way of dealing with things but I don’t know.” 

“How do you deal with uncomfortable emotions?” 

“I uh… I reach out to people.” He says. “Tessa, mostly.” 

Lindsay nods. “And why is that?”

“Because she always makes me feel better.” Scott says simply. 

Lindsay smiles. “That’s very nice. May I ask how she makes you feel better?” 

Tessa’s still staring at her lap, but her eyes dart quickly to the side to see Scott. 

“Well…” Scott begins, “She always talks things through with me. I feel like she thinks a lot more logically than I do, so she helps put things into perspective.” He clears his throat and looks over at her. “She um… she does this thing where I um… I mean, I’ve never seen anyone else do it, where she’ll just look at you - look at _me_ like I’m the only other person in the whole world. She makes me feel like that sometimes, like she has this way of putting everything in her life on hold just so she can listen to me.” 

Tessa finally musters the courage to look at him when he says that. He offers her a gentle smile. 

“I feel like no matter what happens, Tess, you’d make it ok.” 

“Do you have something say, Tessa?” Lindsay asks, seeing Tessa’s expression. 

“I just…” Tessa begins softly. “I’m not putting my life on hold, Scott, you _are_ my life. You and the boys.

Scott looks at her with a new intensity, his cheek hollowing as he clenches his jaw. 

Lindsay looks between the two of them trying to decipher what’s just happened before addressing Scott once more, “Scott, do you feel like you _need_ Tessa?” 

“I need her all the time.” Scott says, nodding again and then meeting Tessa’s eyes once more. “Every day.” 

Tessa lets out a sharp breath and Lindsay looks to her. “How does that make you feel, Tessa?” She asks, but Tessa’s shaking her head, holding her breath to keep the sob that’s worked its way to the back of her throat down. 

“Fair to say pretty emotional?” Lindsay asks carefully. 

Tessa just nods, blinking wildly. _Fuck, she hates crying._

“I don’t think there’s any one correct way to deal with negative emotions.” Lindsay says. “But I do think it’s important to have support through them. And, Tessa, it sounds like you provide that for Scott.” 

Scott nods. 

“And Scott, it sounds like you want to provide that for Tessa.”

Scott nods again. 

“Tessa, do you feel like Scott’s providing the right kind of support for you? Because I can tell you’re two very different people in the way you deal with negative emotions.” 

“I think…” Tessa says. “I _know_ he’s there for me. I don’t think it’s anything he’s doing or not doing. I think it’s myself. Just lately, I’ve… I don’t know. I haven’t been able to be there for him the way he needs and I think I just feel so guilty for it that I keep trying to push myself to do things and it’s just not good for either of us - I feel so guilty. I just feel so guilty.” 

“What sorts of things are you pushing yourself to do?” Lindsay asks softly.

Tears gather in Tessa’s eyes. “We haven’t had sex in nine months.” She says. “And I know he’d never ask me to and I know…” She wipes at her eyes, “That he’d never make me feel guilty for it, but I also know that he misses that connection and - and so do I and I keep trying to get myself there but I just…” She shakes her head. “And I send him these messages when he’s away like trying to commit myself to something but I just can’t do it.” She looks up at Scott. “I’m sorry.” She says, and sees how broken he looks. 

He shakes his head. “You don’t have to be sorry, T.” He says softly. “I know you’re trying. It’s okay, I understand. And I would never want you do push something like that. Ever.” 

“Is there something that happened nine months ago?” Lindsay asks neither of them in particular. 

Scott looks to Tessa and rests a hand on her back, rubbing slow circles. He shakes his head slightly, a silent cue to tell her that she doesn’t need to talk about it if she doesn’t want to, and she nods but she’s going to. They both need to talk about it. 

“I had a miscarriage.” She says, ripping the bandaid off. It’s the first time she’s said it out loud and it actually feels kind of liberating, like it’s not some dirty little secret anymore. 

“Oh.” Lindsay says, nodding. “I’m very sorry to hear that. That must have been so hard for the both of you.” 

Tessa nods and sniffles, wiping at her eyes and taking comfort in Scott’s touch. “We haven’t really talked about it because I just - couldn’t. And I didn’t want to tell anyone so Scott didn’t really talk to anyone about it either and I just can’t even express how sorry I am for that.” She says, turning toward him. “I’m really so, so sorry.” 

He smiles softly at her. “It’s okay, T.” He says. 

“You’re still grieving.” Lindsay says. “That can be incredibly draining.” 

Tessa nods. 

“Can I…” Scott speaks up halfheartedly. 

Lindsay nods. “Go ahead.” 

“I know it’s hard, and well… grieving is one thing but…” He turns to Tessa. “I’m worried about you.” He says. “I think it’s more than that.” 

“What do you mean by that?” Lindsay asks. 

Scott turns to her. “I just worry that… well…” He looks over at Tessa again. “After we had Noah she had a really hard time… and it just seems like that again, kind of…” 

Lindsay looks at Tessa. “What do you think, Tessa?” 

Tessa sighs. “I had postpartum depression after Noah.” She says, because she might as well just spill everything at this point, there’s no point in keeping things in any longer, clearly it’s not helpful to anyone. 

“And it was really hard.” She says. “I had a hard time getting out of bed, wanting to do anything. It was awful.” 

“And do you feel similarly now?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa hesitates. “I don’t know… it’s different I think, like, I’m not as tired.” She says. “But I do feel grey, if that makes sense.” 

Lindsay nods. “Grey is an interesting way to describe it, but I do think I know what you mean. Has there been anything you’ve found to be helpful in dealing with those grey feelings?” 

“Um…” Tessa says, thinking. “The kids. I mean… they’re great distractors.” She laughs and Scott smiles. “Peter’s diagnosis has forced me to be productive.” She pauses. “And Scott -“ She reaches over and rests a hand on his thigh. “He helps drag me out of bed sometimes.” 

Lindsay nods. “I’m wondering if maybe it would be helpful to discuss your feelings about the miscarriage. Both of you.” She says, looking at Scott as well. “Since it’s something that’s been so hard for you, Tessa, I think maybe this would be a good place to talk about it. What do you think?” 

Tessa looks down at her lap and nods. She wants to. She owes it to Scott and to herself but it’s so very hard. 

“Would you like to start, Tessa or?” Lindsay asks, and Scott quickly adds, “I can start if you want, T. It’s up to you.” 

Tessa nods. “You can start.” She says. She needs some time. 

“I remember um, well I remember the whole pregnancy being easier on you.” He says. “And I was really glad for that. You’ve always had such a hard time the first three months and this time you seemed so much better, so I thought it was great.” 

Tessa picks at her finger but nods. He’s right.

“And we weren’t really planning on another kid, but it just sort of happened.” He says to Lindsay, who smiles encouragingly and nods. 

“But I was really excited.” He smiles wistfully. “I think we both were.” 

Tessa winces but nods. 

“And then one night…” Scott swallows thickly, thinking back on it. “She just woke me up and … and was bleeding and we had to get the kids to come with us because it was like three in the morning and we all drove to the hospital and I waited with them in the um… in the waiting room until Tessa’s mum got there and…” He shakes his head. “I should have been there with her but we didn’t want the kids in there and by the time I got in they’d already told her and…” He has tears in his eyes as he struggles to recount it. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, Tess. I should have been there. You shouldn’t have been alone.” 

Tessa shakes her head and sniffles, unable to stop the tears. Lindsay pushes the tissue box toward them should they need it. He’s apologised before, she knows he’d have given anything to be there with her but he did what she needed him to do - wait with their babies because she wouldn’t want them there for that.

“That’s incredibly hard.” Lindsay says. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.” 

Scott nods and places a hand on Tessa’s thigh. “I just wish I could have been with her, you know? I know there’s nothing I could have done but she shouldn’t have had to be alone. I’m sorry.” Scott says, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand and then leaning over and pressing a kiss to Tessa’s shoulder. 

“It’s not your fault.” Tessa says quietly. 

“That must’ve been hard though, Tessa,” Lindsay says to her, “being alone.” 

Tessa nods. “It was hard.” She says. “But I wouldn’t have wanted the kids there. We didn’t tell them, it just seemed like… it wouldn’t make sense, you know? We hadn’t even told them I was pregnant yet so it didn’t feel right to tell them. We didn’t want them to feel sad or worried.” 

“I understand that.” Lindsay says. “Is there a reason you’ve avoided talking to Scott about it? I understand that it’s difficult, but clearly you’ve realised that these sorts of feelings don’t take well to being swept under the rug.” 

Tessa nods. “I um… I just didn’t want him to think I was overreacting… like… _too_ sad. And I didn’t want him to try and fix it because it _can’t_ be fixed. Our baby died. That can’t be fixed and I don’t like to think about it. I don’t want him to say things to me to try and make it better because it can’t be better.” 

“That’s very brave of you to say, Tessa, thank you.” Lindsay says before Scott can interject. “Scott, I’ll point out that you’ve just said you know you couldn’t fix it but you’d still have wanted to be with her in the room.” 

Scott nods. “She’s right.” He says, his throat tightening. “Yeah, I can’t fix it. I didn’t think that, Tess. I’m sorry if it felt that way…” 

“You just were always trying to make me feel better and it felt like you wanted to forget that it even happened. Like, just erase it.” She says, her voice breaking. 

Scott shakes his head. “I would never want to forget.” He says. “That’s our baby. I would never do that.” 

“What were you trying to do, Scott?” Lindsay asks. 

“I was trying to… to…” He sighs. “I don’t know. I was trying to make it _better,_ I guess. Not fix it. Just make it better. Just make _her_ better. Because I was hurting and as bad as I was hurting I knew she felt even worse - still does. And I hate the thought of it because I just don’t want you to hurt.” He says, looking at Tessa, who’s fighting tears. 

“Scott, that’s a very normal reaction.” Lindsay says. “And Tessa, it’s also very normal to want to feel that hurt very deeply. It sounds to me, Tessa - and please correct me if I’m wrong - that you felt like there was something of a timeline put on your grief.” 

Tessa covers her mouth to stifle a sob because it’s so obvious when Lindsay says it and it hurts when it’s put to words that way.

Scott looks over at her, his posture completely broken. “Tess.” He breathes, shaking his head. “I would never.” 

She shakes her head as well. “It’s not you.” She says. “It wasn’t you. It’s just with the kids and… and you going away for work and birthday parties and playdates… everything just went back to normal and I didn’t… I don’t feel _normal_. I don’t feel like it’s normal yet. It’s like everything just kept going like nothing even happened. 

“It’s not normal.” Scott says, fighting tears of his own. “It’s not normal and I’m sorry that I tried to make feel like it was. I thought it would help… I didn’t know…” 

“I know.” Tessa says. “I wanted it to be that way. I tried so hard. That’s why I didn’t want anyone to know, because the more they talked about it the harder it would be and… I don’t know. Sometimes I worry that it’s never going to feel easier.” 

“I have a lot of patients who’ve dealt with grief say that.” Lindsay divulges. “D’you know what I find helps the most?” 

Tessa looks to her expectantly and Lindsay smiles warmly. “Talking to someone you love honestly about it, remembering experiences both positive and negative, and finding some way to commemorate the loss. Maybe even some time away.” She says. “And I wonder if perhaps asking one another directly for what you need would help. Why don’t we try that.” 

Tessa nods and turns to Scott. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about it sooner.” She says. “I wanted to be okay for you and the kids.” 

Tessa’s going to leave it there, but Lindsay catches her. “And what do you need from Scott?” She asks, smiling because it’s typically the hardest part for her patients. 

“I need… time.” She says. “And I need… I need to be sad without trying to fix it.” 

Scott nods, tears burning his eyes. “Of course, T.” He says. “I’m so proud of you for talking about it here. I’d never want you to rush that. I want you to take as long as you need.” He pauses for a moment and thinks. “And I need you to talk to me when you’re hurt so I at least know what it is you want. I’ll do anything you want, baby, just tell me what it is. If I’m trying too hard, I’ll back off, if I’m not giving you enough space, I’ll give you more. If you need help or if you just want to talk… I can just listen. I don’t have to come up with any solutions. I know there aren’t any. So, please just talk to me. I feel so much better when you talk to me.” 

“Do you each feel like those are needs you can fulfill?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa and Scott each nod. 

“Good.” Lindsay says. “I’m really proud of the two of you.” 

As soon as they’re out of Lindsay’s office Tessa falters in her stride, braces a hand on the wall and starts crying again, right in the middle of the hallway, snake plants, framed diplomas and mahogany surrounding them. 

“Oh.” Scott says as if he’s been wounded. It’s so unlike her to publicly show emotion that way. “Oh, Tessa.” It hurts his heart - physically pains him to see her this way. “Oh, baby, come here.” He reaches carefully for her waist, expecting her to swat him away. He can’t help but feel a bit responsible for her tears, for bringing up everything. But she doesn’t seem to mind him reaching for her - or, Scott thinks, she hasn’t yet registered it. Either way, he smoothes a hand over her hip. “Come on, baby.” He says softly, coaxing her into his arms. “Come here. Please. Just let me hold you for a minute.”

Tessa finds it hard to do anything but cry at the moment. She’s so overcome with emotion and everything feels like it’s falling apart, but she turns ever so slightly toward him. She’s always been stubborn and Scott knows this, so that little turn, though it might have been almost imperceptible to the average person, is huge to Scott. It’s all the encouragement he needs to sweep her into his arms and wrap them around her securely. He presses all the air from her lungs, he’s holding her so tightly and she finds that it’s exactly what she needs - pressure to squeeze out all her pain. 

She’d be embarrassed at such a public display of her agony, but she’s so caught up in everything happening around her that she just can’t bring herself to care, and Scott certainly doesn’t seem bothered by it. 

He’s nuzzling against her wet cheek now and she realises he’s apologising, saying “I’m sorry.” Over and over. 

Tessa can’t speak over her sobs, but she wishes he would stop. It’s not his fault. She shakes her head and he seems to get the message and quiets, his hand stroking her hair. 

“I love you.” He says instead, and she likes that far better. She presses his face into her neck and nods. 

“Shh.” He whispers to her. “I got you, T. We’re ok.”

It takes her a few more minutes but eventually she feels herself begin to relax and her tears stop. 

“That’s it.” Scot whispers, one arm around the back of her neck and the other around her back. 

“That’s it, Tess, I got you, babe.” He feels better now that she’s stopped crying. He holds her a few more minutes, rocking her slightly as she clutches the back of his shirt. 

“What do you need?” He asks her, hyper aware now that he might not already know how to help, but Tessa shakes her head again, holding onto him tightly. This is exactly what she needs right now and Scott’s happy to hold her until eventually she takes a step back, feeling better. 

“Let’s get lunch.” Tessa suggests. 

Scott looks down at her, the image of her with those teary green eyes nearly breaking his heart all over again, but her words, her suggestion, that she wants to spend more time with him send his heart soaring.

Tessa gives him a hug because she knows how important that is to him - time with just the two of them. It’s important to her as well but she’s fully aware that she often lets it slip to the wayside when things get hard or busy, and while she becomes so very focused on things that need to get done, Scott can sometimes feel a bit neglected. He hadn’t said it but she’s thinking about his needs. And he needs this. 

She can’t help but feel badly when Scott hugs her so tightly she thinks she might snap in half. She wonders how long he’s been trying to find time with her. She isn’t always the most observant when she’s stressed, and she hasn’t been particularly kind to him lately. She’s sorry for that. She just needs to work on voicing it. This is a start. 

“We’ll be quick.” Scott assures her, “I promise.” It makes her feel even worse. She’s worried about her guys, but he’s her guy, too and she does want alone time with him. She curls her fingers in his hair and hears the tiny grunt it elicits from him. 

“Let’s see if Amanda can stay another couple of hours.” Tessa says softly, and the way Scott reacts, hugging her impossibly tighter, clutching a fistful of her shirt and letting the tiniest whimper of thanks escape him. She knows suddenly he’s been needing this for a long while. 

She turns her head and kisses his cheek and he presses his face further into the crook of her neck. 

They stay that way another few minutes, uncaring of the world around them - it’s easy when you’re in an empty waiting room, before Scott calls Amanda to confirm that she can stay later. 

Scott holds the door for Tessa as they leave Lindsay’s building and step out onto the busy downtown street. It’s quite a contrast from the quiet sanctuary they’ve come to know as their new therapy space. 

“Where should we go?” They ask each other at exactly the same time and they allow themselves to laugh for the first time in what feels like far too long. 

“Come here.” Scott says, taking her hand and pulling her close. He doesn’t care that they’d just spent a significant amount of time like this, he wants so badly to be close to her. Tessa doesn’t argue, just falls into his arms once more, hugging him back. It’s lighter this time. There are no tears - there was even laughter and they each feel like they can breathe again. 

“I’m sorry.” Tessa says, finally feeling the ability to do so. It’s her turn to apologise this time, but Scott shakes his head just as he’d done for her. “You never did anything wrong.” He tells her. “I just miss you.” 

Tessa smoothes a hand across his cheek and he lifts his head from her shoulder and rests his forehead against hers. 

She offers him a smile which feels like it carries the weight of the world and, just like that, he feels better. “Let’s go eat, eh?” He says. Tessa nods.

* * *

They end up at a place they used to frequent when they were younger and still training. It brings back so many memories. Neither of them can believe how far they’ve come. 

They order and sit in silence, sipping on their drinks while they wait for their food. 

“I miss you too.” Tessa says, finally, looking up from her drink. 

Scott smiles gently. “Tess.” He says. “You don’t have to-“ 

“I’m not.” She interjects, feeling hurt all over again that he thinks she’s faking her affections. “Don’t you know how much I want you?” She feels awfully that she obviously does such a poor job at showing it. 

Scott just blinks at her. He hadn’t expected those words to come out of her mouth. He wishes he could hear them all over again, maybe be prepared for them this time so he could really listen to the way she said it because it sounded so much like the way he feels. 

Tessa furrows her brow and looks back down at her drink, trying to figure out where she’s going wrong. 

“I miss you.” She says softly. “I miss _us_.” 

Scott reaches out and nearly takes her hand, but remembers the way she been wanting space from him lately, so he stops short and places it near her hand instead - not touching, but close. It’s how he’s felt around her for so long now. 

“Baby, I’m right here.” He says to her. “I miss us too. So much.” 

She looks up at him with fire in her eyes. “Why is this so hard then?” 

He can feel it burn a hole straight through him. “I don’t know.” He sighs. “I think we just have so much on our plate.” 

“But we have before and-“ 

“Not kids.” Scott says, and Tessa realises he’s right. They’ve never had worries _this_ significant. They hadn’t even known it was possible to worry so much - not even Tessa who was a self-proclaimed professional at worry. 

Sure, the olympics had been significant, they’d been their entire lives at that point, and things had gone rough for some time, but they were able to resolve them and come out the other side stronger than before. Now, it’s the kids, and each of them cares more for their children than they do for their own self. And because of that they’ve been stretched taught and more stressed than they’ve ever been in their entire lives, and the grief of losing a child, even one they’ve never met, is almost unbearable.

Tessa nods, understanding and Scott smiles sympathetically. 

“I get so trapped in my head.” She says softly. 

“It’s okay.” Scott responds immediately. She doesn’t have to explain herself, but she clarifies, “Even with everything going on with Peter, I mean, it’s just… it’s all a lot. I can’t help worrying.”“I worry too, you know.” He says, and she looks up at him with big green eyes. “Of _course_ you do.” She says softly. “I know that.” She takes his hand and he feels his heart flutter at the gesture. “And I know how hard you’ve been working lately.” She says, “Getting everything in order before you step back.” 

Scott shakes his head slightly. “That isn't fair to you.” He says. 

Tessa looks up at him. “I appreciate everything you do for our family.” She says. “That’s the only reason I’m bringing it up.” 

Scott squeezes her hand. It means a lot to hear her say that. “You do all the hardest stuff, Tess.” He says. She’s with the boys every day, dealing with all the fighting and yelling and all of Peter’s tantrums. She has to be the good cop _and_ the bad cop, has to yell over them sometimes, has to break up fights. Scott hates the thought of it, but Tessa’s shaking her head. “We _share_ the hardest stuff.” She says. “We _always_ do.” 

Scott looks at her adoringly. She’s everything to him. “We’re quite the team.” He confirms. 

Tessa smiles softly. “We _always_ were.” 

Scott lifts her hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a kiss to the smooth skin just above her wedding ring. 

They don’t say anything for a moment, each of them thinking about some of the many, many times he’d done that same action previously, when their thoughts are interrupted by a woman who’s leaving with a group of friends after their lunch. 

“Excuse me, I’m so sorry I don’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to say you two are literally the only reason I still believe in love.” 

Tessa and Scott both open their mouths to reply, but the woman hurries away embarrassedly before either of them get the chance to say anything. 

They look at each other and laugh. “That’s a lot of pressure.” Tessa says and Scott takes her other hand from across the table. “We’ve always been good at that too though, huh?” 

Tessa smiles and nods. It’s true. They’re basically experts in talking the other one off a ledge when the pressure gets to be too much. 

Scott thinks about the pressure they’ve been under lately and it hits him just how intense it’s been. He can’t quite believe it, honestly. He just wants it all to stop for a little while. He wants a reprieve and a reset. He thinks it would do everyone a world of good and he thinks about Lindsay’s suggestion. 

“We should go on vacation.” He says. 

Tessa looks up at him and raises her brow. That was unexpected. “Like, this summer?” She asks. 

Scott shakes his head. “No. Like now.” 

Tessa laughs. “ _Now_?”

Scott nods, and then rolls his head to the side, “Well not literally right now but like… the end of this week.” 

Tessa laughs because the idea is so ridiculous. She studies his face to see if he’s actually serious. He sounds like he is… He looks serious… “What about your athletes?” She asks. 

Scott shrugs, “They can make it a week without me. We’ve got a few bye weeks coming up and I’ll always be a call away if they need anything. Plus, Mike’s started taking over. They should be fine.” 

Tessa shakes her head in jest. “Where would we even go?” She asks. 

Scott shrugs. “Anywhere. Where do you want to go? We can go anywhere you want to, Tess.”

_Jesus, he’s serious._ She thinks to herself. It’s only then, after this determination that she allows herself to entertain the idea. And it’s actually extremely appealing to her. Time away from everything that’s been building up lately, time to relax, time to be with each other in an environment that doesn’t feel like it’s a powder keg. Maybe even alone time, just the two of them, and certainly time for Peter to decompress a bit. _He does love hotels so…_ She realises it doesn’t even matter to her where they go. She wants this too. 

Scott cocks his head. He’s hoping she’ll at least entertain the idea, expecting that he’ll have to do a whole lot of convincing. 

She looks up at him. “Anywhere but Disney.” She says softly. 

Scott beams and nods, finding himself emotional suddenly. Indeed, it’s been an emotionally charged day but his wife misses him in the same ways that he misses her and it’s everything to him. “Anywhere but _fucking_ Disney.” He says. 


	5. Holiday: Getting There

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt like the process of getting there needed a chapter in itself lol life is so complicated all the time smh 😆

They stay up late talking almost every night that week. 

The very first night it happened out of the blue, Tessa rested her head on Scott’s shoulder in bed and he’d wrapped an arm around her pulling her onto his chest, and they’d talked about all the places they’d been together and all of the funny stories they’d accumulated over the years.

It felt peaceful to be talking about happy things for once. 

The next night they started talking about where they’d want to go for holiday and settled on a cruise to the Bahamas they’d found, Tessa sitting in Scott’s lap at the computer, his hand on her hip, her arm around his neck. Her eyes had lit up when she’d seen it, thinking about how exciting it would be for Peter because he loves everything to do with the ocean. He’d kissed her collarbone when she’d said it because he knows she prefers Europe, but she’s always thinking about the kids before herself. He’d suggested a European cruise as a happy medium but Tessa had gone off about how many more species of fish there would be in the Bahamas, not to mention the opportunity to go snorkeling. Scott had laughed at that, had pulled her into a tight hug and pressed kisses all over her face because she’s just the _best_ mum. 

A cruise is perfect, he thinks because they won’t have to plan anything. There will be plenty for the kids to do and maybe even some time for he and Tess to be alone. 

On Wednesday he hears her crying in the shower. 

“Tess?” He says. He’s just about to get ready for bed after getting the kids settled. 

She quiets immediately when she hears him. “Sorry.” Comes her voice, weak behind the shower curtain. He smiles sadly, trying to imagine what in the world she feels she needs to be sorry for, and then asks, “Can I come in?” 

“I’m okay.” Is her response, and he takes that as a no. “Okay.” He says softly, and turns to leave, but hears her voice once more, “Scott?” 

“Yeah?” He asks. 

“You can talk to me… I mean… would you talk to me? Please?” 

“Yeah.” He says eagerly, turning back around. “Of course.” He sits on the closed lid of the toilet and kicks his feet up on the lip of the tub, watching her silhouette behind the shower curtain. He tells her about a guy he saw at the Loblaws who’d knocked over a whole shelf of soda that proceeded to explode one by one as they hit the ground. He listens to her laugh, smiling to himself. He can see the outline of her body as she rinses out her hair and he tells her about how Peter was helping him with dinner and ended up reading the label on the olive oil and asked, ‘ _what’s an extra virgin?_ ’

He hears her laugh again and laughs along with her. And then he tells her one more story of a dog he saw online who could sing _Mary Had A Little Lamb._

“Ok, I’m going to need you to send that to me.” Tessa says, shutting off the water and poking her head out from behind the curtain. She’s smiling now and Scott feels much better. “You got it.” He says, winking at her and getting up to give her some privacy, but she catches him before he can leave. “Scott?” She asks. 

He turns around quickly, brow raised. 

“Could you… would you um… help me with… She nods toward the bottle of lotion she has waiting for her on the counter and Scott smiles hopefully and nods. “Of course.” He says. He resumes his spot on the cold porcelain lid of the toilet and watches her shadow wrap itself in a towel before she steps out onto the bathmat. 

Scott sighs quietly to himself. He loves her, everything about her. He loves just looking at her. It’s been a long time since she’s let him see her this way, this bare and relaxed and he’s missed it. She turns to him and hands him the bottle which he takes and then pats his thigh. “Leg.” He says, and she giggles and places her foot on his thigh so he can work the lotion into it the way he’d done the other week, slowly, carefully, attentively, massaging the muscle and making her feel at ease. She places her hand on his shoulder for balance and it makes his heart beat faster. 

He finishes one leg and gets to work on the other, and when he’s finished, because he doesn’t want to be finished, and because he can’t quite help himself, he places a delicate kiss midway up her inner thigh and looks up at her, running his hands over her towel-covered hips. “I love you.” He says simply, and she leans down and kisses him on the lips, an action which makes him feel like he’s won the lottery. 

“I love you too.” She says, lowering her leg and smiling at him before heading out of the bathroom to get into her pyjamas. 

When Scott wakes up that night it’s to Tessa cuddling his arm, both of her arms wrapped around it, her cheek resting on his bicep, holding it tightly to her body. 

He smiles sleepily and turns on his side. “C’mere.” He whispers, and pulls her onto his chest, feeling butterflies in his stomach as she nuzzles against him.

But then she angles her head upward toward him and he looks down at her. She presses her lips to his softly, leaving them there for a lazy, sleepy, drawn out kiss, and then one more after that, before nuzzling back against him. 

She sleeps soundly after that, but he can’t for a while. He just lays there with a huge smile on his face. 

Thursday they fight after the kids fall asleep. It’s nothing big, just that Scott’s upset Tessa hasn’t told him she’d cancelled the lawn service. 

“I don’t want our kids rolling around in _pesticides_!” She says, trying to keep her voice down so as not to wake them. 

“Tess, it’s not like anything’s changed from the time we were kids, we were rolling around in pesticides too, everyone rolls around in pesticides, it’s normal.” He’s being facetious and she knows it, so she rolls her eyes and he sighs. 

“I understand.” He says. “I understand where you’re coming from and it’s fine but I wish you’d have told me so we could get an organic service. The lawn is going to be a mess.” 

“Well, it’ll fit right in with the _swamp,_ then.” She says, using Noah’s term for the patch of dirt and mud that was meant to be a flower garden. 

“I’m going to fix it.” He says. 

“Oh, like you _fix_ everything.” She shoots back and he’s about to go ballistic because he _knows_ that he can’t fix everything, it’s what they’ve gone over eight thousand times in therapy, but then he sees the little smirk on her face and she’s _joking,_ and he can’t even remember the last time she’s joked like that. It makes him immeasurably happy. He bites his lip and shakes his head. “Get over here.” He says, but she just chuckles and starts to walk away. 

“I said, _get over here_.” He repeats, running after her and prompting her to run as well. They scamper around the hallway and into their room, Scott grabbing Tessa when they’re both through the door and lifting her over her shoulder. She giggles wildly as he flops her down on the bed and climbs atop her. “You think you’re such a wise guy, eh?” 

She beams and pushes at his chest, squirming underneath him and arching her back and God, he wants her so much but he won't rush her, he won’t _ever_ rush her, so he steals a kiss instead and tickles her until she’s curled up into a giggling little ball, hardly able to breathe, and then he rolls off of her and presses his chest to her back, holding her from behind. “I’m going to _fix_ the fucking swamp.” He says. “I _can_ fix that.” 

She laughs, reaches a hand back and strokes it through his hair and he kisses her cheek. 

Friday morning she wakes up to a bouquet of daisies on her bedside table with just a small note beside them in Scott’s handwriting - _I love you_. She smiles and wonders for a moment why Scott had decided on daisies but then remembers that they’re the April birth flower, the month their baby would have been born. She’d talked his ear off about birth flowers for each of their babies. Noah’s is a chrysanthemum, Peter’s is a daffodil, Connor’s is a gladiolus. She hadn’t ever really thought he was paying attention, but clearly he had been. 

She makes her way downstairs where Scott’s at the stovetop making pancakes and the boys are happily munching at the breakfast bar. She walks straight over to Scott, who’s facing away from her and wraps her arms around his midsection, holding him tightly. He startles for a moment and then relaxes when he realises it’s Tessa, setting his spatula down and turning around so he can hug her back. She’s holding on so tightly, gripping his shirt in fists and he smiles down at her. The boys watch on curiously as she raises to her tiptoes and kisses him firmly on the lips. “Thank you.” She whispers against him before pressing her lips back to his. He grips her waist and pulls her closer, kissing her more deeply. 

“Eew.” Connor says, and Tessa pulls away. “You’re next.” She says playfully, turning to him. He starts to climb down from his stool, but Tessa grabs him and presses kisses all over the top of his head as he giggles and tries to free himself. 

“Now do me, mumma!” Noah squeals happily, holding his arms out for her. 

Scott’s face hurts from smiling so much. He’s missed their family feeling this _light_. He’s missed Tessa’s playfulness and he knows the boys have too. Things are looking up and he’s excited for their holiday away. 

* * *

“Where?” Peter asks his mother looking up at her from where he’s sitting on the floor. Tessa’s opening a large empty duffel bag on his bed. 

“It’s a surprise.” She tells him smiling, her eyes widening to exaggerate her excitement for his sake. She wants so badly for him to be excited about it, but his face contorts in fear and anxiety. “No.” He says. “Where, mumma.” It’s not a question and Tessa knows if she pushes it further he’s going to get very upset, so she decides to level with him. She sits on the carpet beside him and leans her forehead against his. “I will tell you.” She says, “Because I know it’s very important for you to know these things.” 

He nods. “Yes.” He says, matter of factly.

Tessa smiles gently and strokes a hand through his hair. “But your brothers like surprises, don’t they?” 

Peter nods as best he can from the position he’s in. 

“So if I tell you, it’ll be our secret, right? And we can watch how surprised they are when we get there.” 

Peter smiles. “I won’t tell them.” He confirms, and then he thinks for a moment. “Does daddy know where we’re going?” 

Tessa laughs and leans back. “Yes, daddy knows.” She says. 

Peter smiles. “Good. Ok, now tell me.” 

“Would it be bad if daddy didn’t know?” Tessa asks amused.

Peter’s eyes go wide and he nods vehemently. “He gets mad when you don’t tell him things.” 

“Why do you think that?” Tessa asks, cocking her head. 

“I heard him shouting about it.” Peter says. 

“Oh, honey.” Tessa says, resting a hand on his arm. “You shouldn’t have heard that. I’m sorry.” He’s referring to their half-hearted fight about the lawn service. 

Peter shrugs. “Well you were yelling, so it was actually really easy to hear.” 

“I-“ Tessa starts but then looks at him fondly and shakes her head. “You’re right.” She says. “But I’m sorry if it made you upset.” 

“Why would it make me upset?” He asks, cocking his head. 

“Well… Sometimes it’s upsetting when parents fight. Sometimes it makes kids feel like their parents don’t love each other as much as they should.” 

Peter shakes his head. “Oh. No. I know you and daddy love each other.” 

Tessa smiles softly. “Do you?” 

Peter nods. “Yeah, I hear you tell each other that a lot. And you both kiss a lot and that means you love someone.” 

Tessa blushes. “That’s a good observation, Peter.” 

He shrugs. “Can you tell me where we’re going now?” 

“On a cruise to the Bahamas.” She tells him. 

“Really?!” He perks up and gets up on his knees, holding her shoulders. 

She chuckles and nods. 

“Will we get to go snorkeling?” He asks. 

Tessa nods. 

“Cool!” He says, and she scoops him into her arms and hugs him tightly. 

“I’m so happy you’re happy.” She whispers to him. 

“I won’t tell Connor and Noah.” He says. “It’s a rule.” 

Tessa laughs. “No, baby, it’s not a rule, just something nice to do for your bothers.” 

“I’ll make it a rule.” He says quietly. 

Tessa strokes his hair. “Not everything has to be a rule.” She tells him. “Do you know that?” 

He nods. “Not everything _is_ a rule.” He confirms. “Daddy makes you coffee in the mornings but sometimes you make it for him.” 

Tessa ponders this, wonders why this is the example he’s chosen. Sometimes she can’t follow his logic and it makes her feel inadequate, like _of course_ she should know what he’s talking about because _he’s_ so sure of it. And he’s her baby. She wants to understand everything about him, but sometimes… sometimes he’s an enigma. And she hates admitting that. 

She settles herself with the fact that it’s not a rule that the coffee get made, he sees it as something that she and Scott do because they love each other. Sometimes you don’t _have_ to do things, you do them because it’s nice to do them for others. 

* * *

“Mumma, do _you_ even know where we’re going?” Noah asks as he’s balanced on her hip in the middle of the airport while they wait for Scott, Connor and Peter to drag all the bags over for checking. 

She bounces him playfully and he giggles. “ _Yes_ , I know where we’re going.” She singsongs and he giggles again. 

Tessa smiles down at him lovingly. This little boy has so much joy inside of him. She’s been noticing things like that more lately, more characteristics about his personality. It’s one of the best parts of watching your children grow up, she thinks, seeing who they’re going to be. But it also makes her heart ache that he’s not going to be this little for very much longer. 

“I think we’re going to… space.” Noah says, grinning. 

“Space?” Tessa asks. “Wow, those are some high expectations you have there.” She says as Scott and the boys rejoin them. 

“Can I know now?” Connor asks. “They’re gonna say it on the plane.” 

Scott smiles. “They’re going to say where the plane’s going, but not where _we’re_ going.” 

Peter looks up at Tessa and she winks at him. He smiles and straightens up, feeling proud to have been entrusted with a task. 

“Where’s the plane going?” Connor asks, looking up at Tessa since Scott won’t tell. 

She looks at Scott and he shrugs so she tells him. “The plane is going to Florida.” She tells him. “But we’re going somewhere else after that that’s a surprise.” 

“Woah.” He says quietly, imagining how far away Florida is. 

“What’s Florida?” Noah asks, pulling on Tessa’s sleeve. 

“Florida is a state at the very bottom of the United States of America.” She tells him. “It’s very warm there so we won’t need our jackets once we get there.” 

“Woah.” Noah repeats his brothers sentiment. 

“Woah.” Peter adds just because he wants to. Tessa smiles at him. 

“Woah.” Scott says, and Tessa looks up at him, laughing. He winks at her and nods toward security.

Scott helps Connor and Peter with their shoes at security while Tessa takes care of Noah, putting their jackets in the bin so they can run through the metal detector. 

Tessa walks through with Noah and Connor joins them soon after, but not long after that Tessa hears Peter shriek. 

She rushes toward the end of the carousel where people are picking up their items, Noah still on her hip and Connor following behind her. 

Peter’s on the ground, Scott holding his arm, trying to pick him up but he refuses, kicking his legs. Everyone is staring and Tessa can tell how stressed out Scott is just from the way his shoulders are positioned. 

Scott looks back at her with actual _fear_ in his eyes. He doesn’t know how to handle this anymore. It used to be he’d just pick Peter up and force him to do whatever it was he’d wanted him to but he knows that’s wrong, and he has no idea how to console him enough to get him through security on his own, so Tessa sets Noah down beside Connor. “Stay with your brother.” She tells him, looking at Connor sternly who nods worriedly. Noah whimpers and Connor pulls him into a hug. Reassured, Tessa steps back through the metal detector and rests a hand on Scott’s shoulder, tuning out all the aggravated faces around them. “Go stand with them, please.” She tells him swiftly, scooping Peter up and much to Scott’s surprise the boy actually lets her, though he sees him scratch at her arm before he relaxes. Scott sighs and makes his way through, grabbing his shoes and standing with Connor and Peter as they watch Tessa. She steps to the side, sets Peter down on the ground, kneels down on the hard floor and squeezes him tight to her. Scott watches as she whispers to him for a long time, several minutes, hugging him to her chest the entire time and when she pulls back he’s stopped crying and nods at her. She bends down and unties his shoes, lifts him up and pulls them off of him with him on her hip, sets his shoes in a bin and sets him down carefully when it’s their turn to go through the detector again. Tessa walks through the metal detector while Peter waits until he’s called, at which point, he steps uncomfortably through the metal detector and when Tessa nods he shoots toward her, running as fast as he can into her arms, and she lifts him off the ground, pressing her face to his. Scott can hear her whispering to him how proud she is as she smooths his hair back. He turns his body toward the conveyer belt and Tessa nods. “Okay.” She says, “They’re right here.” She sets him on the ledge of the belt and slips his shoes on and ties them quickly as people mill around them. When she sets him back on the ground, Peter walks toward Scott, Noah and Connor, holding his mother’s hand like nothing’s even happened. Scott gives Tessa an apologetic look that she doesn’t want to acknowledge because she doesn’t want him to be sorry. 

It’s not until they’re settled on the plane, Peter and Connor sitting together watching a movie in the row in front of them, and Noah, tired from all the novel experience, sleeping in Tessa’s lap, that Scott asks her what Peter was upset about. 

“He didn’t want to feel the cold ground on his feet.” She says, quoting him directly. “He didn’t want to take his shoes off.” 

“Oh.” Scott says, picking at his thumbnail. “How did you… I mean… he wouldn’t even talk to me.” 

“I’m sorry.” Tessa says. “I’ve been working on social stories with him so I just reminded him of the one we’ve been telling where we go through the airport. I should have told you-“ 

“No, no.” Scott says, sighing. “I should have known. I should have known that.” 

Tessa leans her head on his shoulder. “You’ve been so busy.” She says. “It’s not your fault for not knowing.” 

Scott doesn’t answer her because he thinks that it is his fault and hadn’t this been one of the things she’d brought up in therapy about sharing things equally? He’s trying to be better about it, trying to learn from her when he can, but clearly it’s not enough. He needs to be more proactive. 

“You were like… _amazing_.” He says to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She lifts her head and smiles at him. “No.” She says. “I’m just learning.” And then she yawns and rests her head back on Scott’s shoulder. 

“Tess?” 

“Mh?” She hums. 

“Will you help me learn?” 

She looks back up at him. 

“I mean… I watch you guys, I just… I don’t know if I can do it the way you do and I feel like… I feel like maybe he um… I don’t know, like, prefers you or something.” 

“Scott.” She shakes her head. “That’s not true. You know that’s not true.” 

Scott chews his lip. “It seems that way sometimes, T.” He says quietly. “And I don’t blame him. I mean - I’m not around as much as you are, I don’t go to his appointments with him, I haven’t been able to learn the way you do, I just kind of freeze up when he gets like that. I just don’t know how to handle it.” 

Tessa sighs softly. “I’ll teach you.” She says and then points to her carry-on which is laying under Peter’s seat. “His story is in there, the one we made about going away. If you want to read it.” She tries to reach for it, but Scott leans down instead so Tessa won’t have to move and possibly wake Noah. 

He takes it out of her bag, and sees it’s not as intimidating as it sounds, just some stapled together pieces of printer paper with google images copy-pasted on and a small narrative to describe the aspects of the trip that, while they seem mundane to Scott, must be challenging for Peter. 

He scans through it and can feel Tessa watching him as he does. 

There’s airport security, the whirring of the plane engines, staying buckled in his seat unless he needs something, the landing, then being somewhere new. It continues, talking about the boat, day camp, things like that, and Scott’s impressed at how much it covers so simply. It’s things he could talk to Peter about. 

“He just doesn’t like when things sneak up on him.” Tessa says. “And sometimes he forgets because there’s so much else going on, so it’s nice when we can remind him that we’ve already read and talked about these things in his story. That way he can create expectations in his head, follow along and know that nothing horrible is going to happen.” She says. “It’s not foolproof.” She had him break down inconsolably in the grocery store just the other day when they were out of the cereal he likes, and she’d had to abandon the grocery cart in the middle of the aisle to carry him out so he would’t tear things off the shelves. 

“I just get frustrated.” Scott says. “Like, sometimes I forget that it’s not really his fault, you know? And when he hurts you…” He touches her wrist gently and turns it over to see the little red scratches, stroking his finger over them. “It’s hard.”

Tessa nods. “I know.” She says and she rests her head back on his shoulder. He angles his head down to look at her but her eyes are closed. “But he doesn’t mean it.” 

Scott nods silently. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s hard and Tessa realises this so she adds, “I’m sorry it’s hard.”

Scott leans down and kisses her cheek. “It’s hard for you too, isn’t it?” 

Tessa lets out a shaky breath and nods and Scott smiles softly. “You make it look so easy.” 

She smiles softly and adjusts Noah slightly so she’s more comfortable. Scott presses one more kiss to her cheek and lets her rest while he reads through Peter’s stories more thoroughly. 

* * *

They get to the ship by way of cab from the airport and when the boys see it they squeal in excitement.

“Mumma are we going _on_ that?” Noah asks in disbelief. 

Tessa giggles and nods. 

“Are we going to _sleep_ on the boat?” Noah asks. 

Scott chuckles and nods. “We’re going to live on the boat for a few days and then we’re going to live at a hotel.” 

“Woah!” Noah exclaims, throwing his arms up in the air. 

“Where is the boat going?” Connor asks. 

Tessa looks over at Scott and nods to him. She wants him to tell the boys because he knows how excited he is about it being a surprise to them. 

“We’re going to the Bahamas!” He says with a smile, knowing Noah will have no idea where that is but will think it’s cool anyway.” 

“Woaaaah!” Noah and Connor say at the same time and Tessa laughs. 

Scott looks to Peter who doesn’t seem as thrilled as he’d imagined. “Isn’t that exciting, kiddo?” 

Tessa chews her lip nervously. 

“Yeah!” He says. “Mum already told me and I did a really good job not telling Connor and Noah because it was a surprise.” 

Scott raises his brow and looks up at Tessa who has a pained, apologetic expression on her face. She really should have told Scott she was going to tell Peter but she thought he’d be disappointed that it wouldn’t be a surprise and she’d just wanted him to be happy. 

Scott nods at Peter. “Good job, bud.” He says. 

They get on the ship, the boys bursting with excitement when they see all the amazing things that you can put on a boat - pools, arcades, buffets, waterslides, surfing, playgrounds, you name it. 

Their first night is spent at the playground on the ship, getting all their pent up excitement out before retiring early to bed, completely exhausted from a day’s worth of travel. 

Tessa and Scott had gotten a suite with adjoining rooms so the boys could each have a bed and so they could have a bit of privacy. 

They put the kids to bed together, Peter insisting that Tessa be the one to read to him even though Scott had offered. 

So Tessa reads Wally the Whale to Noah and Peter, and Scott sits with Connor who listens anyway even though he claims to be too old for it. 

It’s really sweet to see Tessa with the boys and to how much they adore her. Noah nestles against her comfortably, his head resting on her chest, smiling sleepily as she strokes his hair every so often, and Peter at her other side, listening intently as he does. 

When she’s finished, she lifts Noah and carries him over to his bed, tucking him in snugly. He’s already asleep but she kisses his forehead and tells him she loves him anyway. 

Peter burrows under the covers and Tessa tucks him in tightly the way he likes, smooths his hair back and goes over the day and the plans for tomorrow with him before kissing him goodnight, as Scott tucks Connor in (despite his insisting that he’s too old for that, too). And then he and Tessa switch sides and he kneels by Peter’s bedside. “I’m really proud of you, bud.” He tells him. “You did such a good job today.” 

“Thanks.” He says quietly.

Scott smiles and leans in to kiss his cheek but he pulls back. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, and Peter points to his forehead. Scott furrows his brow slightly in confusion but gets the message and kisses him on the forehead, following Tessa out to their room and flicking off the lights for the boys before shutting the door behind them. 

Tessa doesn’t look at him, just goes about unpacking her suitcase, pulling out her toiletries so she can get ready for bed. 

“He only lets you kiss him on the forehead?” Scott asks, breaking the silence. 

Tessa pauses for a moment, her back to him. “He feels like it’s uneven if you kiss him on the cheek.” 

Scott’s quiet for a moment and Tessa anticipates what’s coming, her shoulders up by her ears. 

“You told him.” He says. 

Tessa sighs and turns to Scott. He looks upset. “Yeah.” She says softly. “I just… he needed to know where we were going.”

Scott scratches his head. “I mean… you could have told me you were telling him…” 

Tessa shuffles her feet nervously. “Yeah.” She says. “I’m sorry.” 

“Why didn’t you?” He asks. 

Tessa sighs again. “I didn’t want you to make it a thing.” 

“Make it a _thing_?” He asks. 

“I just… didn’t want you to be upset about it. I know you wanted it to be a surprise for them and I didn’t want you to be disappointed that…” 

“That Peter needed to know.” Scott finishes her sentence for her and she nods weakly. 

Scott turns and sits on the edge of their bed, hunches over and presses his face into his hands. 

“Scott?” Tessa asks, padding over and sitting beside him. She runs a hand across his back and when he raises his head to look at her he has tears in his eyes. 

“Oh.” She whispers. “Oh, Scott.” She wraps an arm around him and pulls him toward her so he can rest his head on her shoulder the same way she’d done to him earlier. She holds him close,leans her cheek against the top of his head. “I’m sorry.” She says. 

He straightens up. “Did you really think I’d be upset about that?” 

Tessa shrugs. “I don’t know it just seems like sometimes you get frustrated that he’s a bit… a bit more rigid than Noah and Connor and I worried that maybe you’d um…” She trails off and shakes her head, but he looks at her. “Say it.” 

She shuts her eyes, a pained look on her face. “Blame him.” She says softly, and she feels the bed shift beside her. 

He’s standing now, his eyes still glistening. “You really think I’d do that?” He asks. 

She shakes her head. “Not on purpose.” 

He looks defeated. “Tess.” He says, his voice shaking.

“It’s just that sometimes you act like he’s just misbehaving.” She says, preparing herself for Scott’s retaliation, but it doesn’t come. He runs his hands over his face instead and she watches him worriedly. 

“You’re right.” He says to her surprise when he lowers his hands. He’s blinking back tears so she stands and pulls him into a hug which he returns, holding her tightly. “I’m such a fucking asshole.” He says and Tessa almost laughs at how ridiculous that is. “Not even close.” She says softly, stroking his hair. 

“I don’t have that - that understanding with him that you do, T.” He says. “You just get him.” 

Tessa does laugh then and Scott pulls back to look at her. 

“I don’t.” She says. “I mean… I try but sometimes I _don’t_ understand. It’s not about understanding everything, it’s just about understanding what he _needs_ in that moment. And I’m still learning that too, but so can you. It just takes time and I’ve had so much more of it than you. It’s not your fault, Scott, you’ve been doing so much for us. You deserve to cut yourself a bit of slack.” 

He’s quiet for a moment as he lets her words sink in, and then he nods. “Thank you.” He says softly, his voice muffled against her shoulder where he’s buried his face. 

Tessa strokes a hand through his hair. “Maybe you should spend some time with him while we’re here. I can take Con and Noah and the two of you can go do something he likes.” 

Scott nods. “Yeah.” He says, lifting his head and pressing his forehead to hers. “I would like that… I just don’t know if he would.” 

Tessa rolls her eyes. “Scott. He loves you.” She runs her hands over his cheeks. “Nobody can replace you, okay? You’re their father. They all love you so much.” 

Scott nods. “Okay.” He says. It’s not that he doubts that Peter loves him, he just doubts that Peter _likes_ him, especially when he gets upset at things the boy can’t even control.

When they’re laying in bed, the room dark around them, Tessa nestles herself against Scott and he smiles gently at the gesture. She kisses his cheek and he meets her eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I was going to tell him.” She whispers. “I don’t doubt you. I hope you know that. I really just wanted you to be happy.” 

He presses his lips to her forehead and leaves them there for a long moment before pulling back. “I know.” He says quietly. “It’s ok, T.” They’re silent for a moment before Scott asks, “Hey, can I talk to you about something?” 

Tessa nods and looks up at him. 

“I just… I’m really excited to be here with you. It’s been a long time, I feel like, since we’ve had time to ourselves and to be _here_ … it’s even nicer.” 

Tessa smiles and nods. 

“I just wanted you to know that it’s not me trying to… um… like _force_ anything on you, you know? Like I’m not trying to force intimacy or healing or happiness or anything like that and I wouldn’t want you to think I was because I would never do that, T. I don’t expect anything, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I just thought it would be nice for us to get away from all the stress for a little while. I just don’t want you to feel any sort of pressure at all, you know? Because that’s not what this is about.” He swallows hard like he’s nervous. “Sorry if that made no sense, I-“ 

“No.” She says softly. “No it makes sense. I know that.” 

“Do you?” He asks. “I mean we’ve talked about it a little in therapy but we haven’t been going for long and I think maybe we have more to talk about but I just wanted that to be clear.” 

“Scott.” She says, running a hand over his cheek. “I know.” 

He relaxes slightly. “Okay.” He whispers. “Good.” He curls an arm around her. “I mean I _do_ want you to be happy, I just don’t want you to feel like you _have_ to be if that makes sense.” He says, and she laughs. 

“Scott, I know what you mean.” 

“You sure?” He asks, smiling playfully, and Tessa nods. “I think I got it.” 

“‘Cause I can keep going.” He jokes. 

She shakes her head laughing, “Please don’t.” 

“Really, because I think I was getting somewhere-“

Tessa cuts him off with a deep kiss which surprises him, and he hums softly against her and closes his eyes as he holds her. They kiss lazily, sweetly, until Scott can feel Tessa start to grow weary. It’s a funny feeling, being able to read someone’s energy through their lips like that, but they’ve had lots of practice, and he thinks that it’s a very intimate thing, knowing that she’s comfortable enough to fall asleep while kissing him. He smiles softly against her lips and helps her shift a little to get more comfortable. She rests her head on his chest and it’s more than he could have hoped for. She’s still his Tess, and he’ll do anything for her and for their family. 


	6. Holiday pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Miscarriage

~ 10 months earlier

* * *

Scott rushes down the busy hallway lit up with those awful florescent lights that make everything look like a horror movie. Everything _feels_ like a horror movie right now. He doesn’t know what happened, just that there was so much blood and Tessa was in such pain. He’s terrified, his whole body shaking, his breath short, his eyes bleary. He feels like he’s going to have a heart attack the way it’s pounding in his chest. 

He pushes open the door and sees Tessa there in bed and the first thing he feels is relief. He’s so fucking relieved that she’s actually here, conscious, _alive,_ because he had no idea what was happening or how she was doing. But she’s here and moving and he knows that has to be a good sign. 

But then he sees the way she’s curled up in bed on her side as she looks at him like a deer in headlights. Her nose is red, her eyes are bloodshot and she looks _so_ very pale. “What happened?” He asks stupidly, feeling like an idiot for not having been here. He should know what happened. He should have been here with her so he could have known. 

Tessa just shakes her head. 

Scott presses his lips together, his eyes burning. “Are you alright? I mean… You’re… Tessa… are _you_ okay?” He wants to make sure of that before anything else. He just needs to know that _she’s_ okay. His Tess, his wife, mother of their children. He needs to know that above all else _she’s_ okay. 

“I’m fine.” She says, her voice breaking. She winces and lays her head back on the pillow and Scott walks toward the empty side of her bed and climbs onto it, pressing himself against her back, draping his arm over her side, nuzzling her cheek. He sees the wires connected to her wrist and feels like he’s going to be sick. He hates to think of her going through this without him. 

“Did they say-“ He starts, his voice catching in his throat so that he can’t finish his sentence. 

Tessa gives a slight shake of her head before her face contorts, her eyes close tightly and she whimpers. Her whole body shudders then as she begins to sob silently beside him and Scott feels like the world is crashing down around him seeing her that way. It kills him inside. 

“I’m here.” Is all he can think to say, and he feels like such an asshole for it because she’d needed him to be there sooner, _before_ , when all the bad things were happening and she was fucking _terrified_. He’d never seen her so scared in all their lives and he can’t get the image of her like that out of his head. 

He’s so unsure of how to handle this. Tessa’s always so tough, she so rarely cries and he’s literally _never_ seen her cry like _this_ , like she’s broken from the inside out. 

“Tessa.” He breathes, his voice shaking as he pulls her against him, suddenly hyperaware and afraid he’s going to hurt her. He relaxes his grip but that only seems to make her cry harder so he pulls her close again, nuzzling her wet cheek. “Come here, baby. I’m here now.” He feels so utterly useless that he thinks maybe she doesn’t even want him here now if he couldn’t have been here when she really needed him, but he can’t bring himself to let go of her. 

And then it hits him - the reason she must be crying - and it feels so far away from him that he feels guilty for it, because yes, _they’ve lost their baby_ , but he’s far more concerned with losing Tess right now, mentally, if not physically. 

“Tess…” he breathes, but there’s nothing he can do. She’s distraught, sobbing into her hands now, covering her face. 

“It’s alright. It’s alright.” It’s all he can think so say, and he just holds her. And eventually, she does stop crying. And he takes her home, hardly able to focus on the road the way he’s still trembling. 

Tessa’s silent the whole way home and he wonders if she’s hurting. They said it might hurt for a while, like really bad cramps, and he just hopes she’s not hurting too much because she won’t talk to him. They get inside and she goes straight up to their room. He follows her like a lost dog, heart heavy, and he watches her strip her clothes off carelessly, letting them fall to the floor without so much as a second thought, dried bloodstains on them here and there. He glances over at their bed and shuts his eyes tightly as he sees the blood there as well. It’s such a strange feeling. They’d gone to bed just about twelve hours ago happy as could be and now… 

“Tessa.” He says, moving toward her. 

“I need a shower.” She says, her voice hoarse and scratchy. 

“Let me help.” He offers, not wanting to leave her alone. He can’t bare the thought of being away from her. He knows he’s being ridiculous but it’s just too frightening to think about right now. 

“I’m fine.” She sighs, and it’s like she’s completely resigned. 

“I know.” He says. “But I can help, just so that you’re-“ 

“I’m fine.” She repeats, stepping into the bathroom and closing the door on him. 

His shoulders drop and he hangs his head and looks down at her clothes scattered about. He doesn’t know what to do with them. He doesn’t know what she wants. So he picks them up and throws them into the wash, not knowing if she’ll want to keep them or not. And then he stands outside the bathroom door, on guard in case she needs him, his heart breaking into a million pieces as he listens to her cry softly on the other side of the door and wishes she would let him in. 

* * *

Present

* * *

Scott had wanted this to be a relaxing vacation for everyone, but especially Tessa. So he tries his best to handle everything with the kids so she can focus on herself, but the first day, Peter pulls her into the pool and keeps her in there just about all day until she’s utterly exhausted. He’d tried to intervene several times so she could get some time to herself but that’s the thing with Tessa - She likes having time to herself but she values time with her boys more, and so she’s always going to choose them over time to relax. It is what it is until the second day when they’re walking to a little café for lunch when Noah throws a tantrum about having to wait until after lunch for ice cream. Tessa lifts him up from the ground, trying to soothe him but ends up hurting her back when Noah squirms, and Scott feels badly because he hadn’t even realised was still bothering her. He takes Noah from her and she swears a hundred times over that she’s fine, it was just a twinge, but he can tell by the way she moves that it’s bothering her. 

Later that night, Peter wakes them up in the early morning, around five a.m. Scott tries to get him to sit on the balcony for a while with him, but he wants his mother, so Scott watches from the bed as the two of them cuddle and talk about the ocean beneath them. Tessa’s exhausted, he can tell, but he’s promised to take Peter to the aquarium today and Tessa’s going to take Noah and Connor to the beach. He wishes they could push it to a different day, just so that she wouldn’t have the two kids on her own with a hurt back and a tired disposition, but he’s promised Peter and he knows how upset he’ll be if their plans change. 

By the time they all disembark the ship for the day though, you’d never know Tessa wasn’t feeling one hundred percent. She looks amazing, her skin glowing, freckles slightly more pronounced thanks to the sun, her pale yellow coverup hitting her mid thigh, her black bikini slightly visible through the fabric underneath. Scott half wishes he could go to the beach just to look at her, but he’s also excited to spend time with Peter. So he gives Tessa a quick kiss on the cheek before they part ways and whispers to her that she looks fantastic. She smiles and winks at him playfully and it makes his heart flutter. It’s more than looks, he’s amazed by her every single day, the things she does for their family. 

In addition to his excitement, Scott’s also slightly nervous to be spending time alone with Peter, and he feels badly for the nervous part, but he really doesn’t want to fuck this up. He wants his son to trust him, he wants to be like Tessa is with him. 

Peter just about shrieks when he sees the aquarium, bright pink and yellow fish painted on the blue walls outside. It’s a humid day in the Bahamas and Scott’s kind of sorry they have to spend it in a musty aquarium but seeing Peter that excited makes up for it a thousand times over. It’s so rare he gets excited about anything. 

“Come on dad!” He says, pulling Scott’s hand. 

Peter shows him all around the aquarium like he’s been there before. Scott watches on proudly as he describes each fish to him and thinks that he should be getting paid to be a tour guide. Even some other parents and kids listen in on Peter’s expertise.

“And this is a Nassau grouper.” Peter says, pointing to a monstrosity of a fish in the giant cylindrical tank in the middle of the aquarium. “Mum and I looked these up before we left. It’s a bottom feeder. They’re all born as females but some turn into males when it’s time to _spawn_. That means make babies, mum told me.” 

“Very cool.” Scott says, genuinely captivated by the giant rust-coloured fish. 

“Yeah. And I said that you and mum spawned and made me and Connor and Noah.” 

Scott chuckles. “Yeah, that we did.” 

“I don’t think mum wants to spawn anymore.” Peter says absentmindedly, and Scott nearly chokes. 

“What makes you say that?” He asks. 

“I heard her on the phone with grandma. She said she can’t even think about having babies anymore, and that’s what spawning is. Having babies.” Peter says, like Scott needs a reminder. 

“Oh.” Is all Scott can manage at first, trying to decide how he feels. It’s odd hearing that from your six year old. “Yeah.” Is Peter’s response. And then points to another fish and proceeds to tell Scott all about it. 

Scott tries to focus but his mind has kind of gone off on a tangent thinking about Tessa talking to her mum about that. He wonders when she’s going to bring it up to him. He’s not really sure how he feels about it. He doesn’t think the miscarriage should stop them from trying again. It’s hard of course, but it happens, and they’d both been so excited over the prospect of another baby, Scott just doesn’t think they should write it off completely. 

“Dad. Dad.” Peter is saying beside him, pulling at his shirt and snapping Scott out of his thoughts. 

“Hm? Sorry, what was that, bud?” He asks, trying to refocus. 

Peter sighs. “I want to take a picture of that one.” He says. 

“Oh.” Scott says, “Yeah, of course.” He hands Peter his phone so he can snap some pictures. 

By the time they’ve gone through the whole aquarium three times over, Scott’s exhausted and Peter’s exhilarated. Scott thinks he would live here if he could. 

“Hey, kiddo, come sit with me for a minute.” He says, dying to rest his feet for a while. He takes a seat by the shark tank and Peter plops down beside him, still taking pictures of everything around them. 

“I’m really glad we got to spend some time just the two of us.” Scott tells his son, who looks up at him.  
“I just want you to know that I… I love you, Peter.” He says. “And I -“ 

Peter looks down at his phone. “Mum’s calling.” He says, and quickly answers it on Scott’s behalf. Scott laughs as he was _trying to have a moment_. 

“Hi mumma.” He greets her. 

Scott can hear Tessa’s voice on the other end, can hear the excitement in it, trying to milk that same excitement from Peter. It works somewhat and Peter describes the fish that they’ve seen and how cool it’s been. “Okay. Okay. Love you too.” He says, and then he offers the phone to Scott. 

“Hey, T.” He says, pressing the phone to his ear. 

“Scott, I don’t want you to freak out.” She says and his stomach drops. “What happened?” 

Peter looks up at him and cocks his head. 

“First of all, the boys are fine.” 

“What happened.” He repeats firmly and urgently, and it’s not a question. 

“I um… stepped on a sea urchin and I think… well _they_ think I’m allergic.” She says. 

“Where are you?” 

“The hospital.” She says quietly, almost timidly. 

“Fuck, Tessa.” 

Peter looks up at him with wide eyes and Scott winces. “Just… are you sure you’re alright?” 

“They just gave me something for the swelling, it’s-“ 

“ _Swelling?_ ” He asks. “Can you send me the… what’s the address?” 

Tessa sends him the location.

“You don’t need to come now, I just… eventually might need some help getting out of here.” 

“I’m coming right now.” He says. “Tess? You sure you’re okay?” His voice softens. 

“Yeah.” She says, but the way her voice wavers doesn’t set him at ease at all. 

“I’ll be right there.” He says. 

“Okay.” He hears her whisper softly before she hangs up. 

“You’re not allowed to say that word, it’s a rule.” Peter says to his father. 

“You’re right.” Scott tells him. “Hey, listen, Pete, we gotta go.” 

“No I’m not done taking pictures yet.” Peter says. 

“Yeah, I understand that, but mumma needs our help with something, so we have to go find her.”

“Mum’s okay, we just talked to her.” He says, getting up and running to the opposite wall of the tank where a tiger shark is gliding by. 

Scott tries to control his feelings, tries to stay focused and calm, but his heart is beating out of his chest at the prospect of Tessa alone in the hospital _again._ He’s supposed to be with her for that stuff. He knows she’s probably going to be fine, she sounded okay, but… just the memory of her being hurt, of him not knowing what was happening, of her laying in that room without him, is a lot to think back on. He promised she’d never have to do that again and yet here they are. 

“Peter.” He says, his hand closing around his son’s wrist as he kneels down so he can look him in the eyes. Peter averts his gaze, doesn’t like direct eye contact like that and Scott feels badly he’s forgotten but he’s having trouble thinking straight. “Peter, we saw all the fish, now it’s time to go okay? It’s just like in the story you read with mum about going to the aquarium. When you’ve seen everything it’s time to go because there are other things to do, but you know you’ll come back to the aquarium again eventually.” 

Peter bites his lip and shakes his head. 

“Peter, mummy needs us right now, okay? I’m sorry but we’re going.” He remembers briefly reading about tantrums versus meltdowns, the former is typical behaviour and can be treated as such and the latter is due to a sort of sensory overload. Scott’s fairly certain this is a tantrum, so he picks Peter up, despite the boy starting to cry and carries him out of the aquarium, hailing them a cab and buckling the wailing Peter into the seat, while apologising to the driver. 

Peter doesn’t scratch at Scott’s arms as he tries to comfort him and Scott takes this as a good indicator that perhaps he was right. 

Scott still feels awfully about it - it certainly was not the way he’d wanted his day with Peter to go, but Tessa’s in the hospital. Of course he’s going to come right away.

* * *

When they get to the hospital Peter’s cries have turned into hiccups, and he peers out the window. 

“Why are we at a hospital?” He asks, tears streaking his face, his voice hoarse from crying. 

“Mumma got a little hurt.” Scott tells him, “But she’s okay. We’re going to go help her.” 

He sees Peter’s eyes widen and he looks fearful. “Like when she was bleeding?” Peter asks as Scott unbuckles him and lifts him onto his hip, paying and thanking the driver. 

“You remember that?” Scott asks as they hurry toward the sliding doors. 

“Mumma was hurt.” Peter says. “And she was scared. And then she was sad for a long time.” 

Scott feels his insides twist up. He hadn’t known the kids had had any recollection. He’d thought they’d all been half asleep. This was the first time any of them had really mentioned it, they’d just told them mummy had felt sick but was all better by the time she got out. 

“Mumma didn’t say she was hurt on the phone.” 

“I don’t think she wanted you to be worried because she’s okay now.” Scott says, carrying him to the front desk and giving the nurse there Tessa’s name to get her room number. 

He hurries down the hall, Peter still on his hip. “Is mumma going to be sad again?” He asks, and the way he says it is so matter of fact, just observational rather than emotional, and it breaks Scott’s heart. “No.” He tells Peter. “No, she’s going to be okay.” 

He reaches her room and pushes the door open to see Tessa laying in bed with her foot wrapped up, Noah cuddled against her side and Connor in the chair across from them. Tessa smiles when she sees Scott and Peter and it puts Scott at ease. 

“Hey.” He sighs in relief. “Hey, baby.” He heads straight over to her, setting Peter down beside them and taking Tessa’s face in his hands. “You’re okay?” Tessa nods and Connor stands up to join them. “Mum stepped on an urchin.” He informs his father. “It was gross.” 

Tessa laughs. “It was kind of gross.” 

“Mumma didn’t even cry.” Noah says, looking up at Tessa as if in awe and then to Scott. It makes Scott smile. “She’s pretty strong, eh?” He says to Noah, as he strokes Tessa’s cheek and leans in to kiss her on the lips. She holds onto his wrist tightly and he sees something in her eyes, just a quick flash that tells him maybe she’s a little shakier than she appears, so he presses his forehead to hers. “I’m right here.” He whispers to her and she nods. 

“Mumma, what kind of urchin did you step on?” Peter asks, holding his mother’s ankle. 

Tessa smiles and Scott straightens up, endlessly glad that it seems he’d made the right call regarding Peter. 

“Not sure, babe.” She says. “It was back and spiky.” 

“Like a spider.” Noah says, pitching himself forward and hugging Tessa around the neck. Tessa strokes his back. “It’s okay, honey.” She turns her head to whisper against his forehead. Noah looks a little shaky too, and Scott can’t help but wonder if he’s remembering the last time his mother was in the hospital as well. 

“Maybe the long spined urchin.” Peter says. “We saw one at the aquarium. Dad show her the picture.” 

“Not right now bud.” Scott says, glancing down at Tessa’s foot, feeling a bit nervous and preoccupied. “What did they say?” He asks Tessa. 

“It’s nothing really.” She tells him. “They took the last little pieces of the spine out and put some antibiotic on it and said it should be better in the next couple of days.” 

“You’re not sad?” Peter asks. 

“No, honey. How could I be sad when I have all my boys here to take care of me?” She says to Peter. 

“But you had us last time too and you were still sad.” Peter says, and Scott watches Tessa’s smile fade and the blood drain from her face, but she keeps her composure. “I’m not sad this time.” She says. “I promise.” 

“Why were you sad last time?” Connor asks, leaning on the side of the bed. Noah watches on curiously. 

Tessa blinks quickly and bites her lip. “I was just having a really bad bellyache.” She says. 

“But you were sad after you left the hospital too.” Peter tells her. “Remember?” 

Scott sees something in Tessa break and he doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t know how to stop it. 

Tessa sighs deeply, blinks back tears and looks up at Scott for a moment before addressing the question. “Mummy and daddy were thinking about having another baby.” She says, and Scott wishes he could take away the pain that’s so evident in her voice. “And I’m very sorry we didn’t talk to you three about it before but it was a bit of a surprise for us. But then mummy’s belly got a little sick and that meant the baby wouldn’t have a place to live so I was sad about that.” She says softly. “I’m so sorry you three had to worry about me. I promise I’m just fine, okay?” 

The boys are quiet, processing.

Scott thinks his wife is a superhero. She could have made something up, anything would have satisfied them, but she hates lying to them. He wants to scoop her into his arms and tell her everything’s going to be alright, but at that exact moment, the doctor returns with some papers for them to sign. 

They give Tessa a pair of crutches to use until the swelling in her foot goes down, and they wheel her out to the curb of the hospital, Scott and the boys following closely beside her as they wait for a cab. 

They’re all exhausted by the time they get back in the room, and they order room service but Tessa hardly touches her food. 

Scott helps get the kids showered, Connor goes first and Scott waits in the doorway, listening to Tessa talking to Peter and Noah. 

“Mumma, is your belly okay now?” Noah asks, still ruminating on the thought from earlier. 

“Yes.” Tessa answers definitively from where she’s laying on Peter’s bed. 

“Is there a baby in there now?” Noah asks padding over to the bed, curious about the prospect now, especially because his best friend’s mum has a baby in _her_ belly. 

“Not now.” Tessa says, and Scott’s hopeful about her answer. Not _now,_ but maybe one day? Maybe she’d changed her mind since talking to Kate. 

“Soon?” Noah asks, but Tessa shakes her head. “No, honey.” She says softly, and Scott can tell she doesn’t want to talk about it further. 

“Hey Pete, let’s show Noah the fish we saw today.” He says, and Tessa looks up at him appreciatively. 

Peter showers next, and Scott helps him turn the shower off when he’s done. Peter turns to his father when he’s all wrapped up in a towel. “Dad, I thought mum didn’t want to spawn anymore.” He says, looking genuinely confused. “But she said you and her were sad about the baby not having a place to live so does that mean she _did_ want to?” 

Scott’s face softens. He’s so impressed by his son and his ability to pick up on such little details even when he knows it can be hard for him. He’s doing such an amazing job with recognising emotions. “Sometimes feelings change.” Scott says, trying not to feel too hurt by the words. “Like how you used to like caramel but now,” 

“It’s too sticky.” Peter finishes his sentence for him, nodding.

“Exactly.” Scott says, glad Peter’s brought this up with him instead of Tess, and Peter happily goes back to his room so Tessa can read his whale book while Scott bathes Noah. 

When Scott finishes Noah’s bath, he carries his youngest back into his room, all squeaky clean,and Tessa’s curled up in Peter’s bed with the boys on either side of her, Peter’s whale book open and resting on her stomach. 

“Mum fell asleep after Wally the Whale.” Peter says, glancing up at Scott. 

Scott smiles. “It's been a tiring day, eh? Let’s get into bed.” He tucks Noah into his bed, then says his goodnights to Connor who asks, “Is mum going to sleep in here?” 

“No, I’ll carry her to bed.” Scott says. 

“Mumma.” Noah whimpers from his bed. He’s still upset thinking about his mother being hurt. 

“Hey, bud.” Scott says, and Noah turns to him. “Daddy’s going to take good care of mummy, okay? I promise. She’s going to be just fine. She needs some rest, though, to make her foot better, okay?” 

Noah thinks on it a moment before nodding. “Okay.” He says softly. 

Scott says his goodnights extra quiet by Peter so he doesn’t wake Tessa up, and when he gives him a kiss, Scott makes sure it’s on his forehead so he doesn’t feel uneven. 

“I had a really fun time at the aquarium today.” Scott tells him. “Thank you for teaching me about all those fish.” 

Peter smiles. “It was fun.” He says and Scott beams.

He goes about lifting Tessa carefully in his arms and hears Connor giggle from his bed. “Mum’s like _so_ tired.” He laughs and Noah giggles too. 

“She sure is.” Scott says, holding her close. She stirs slightly, and Scott manages to flick the boys’ light off and shut the door behind him with his foot, but Tessa wakes anyway. 

“Mh.” She mumbles, rubbing at her eyes and smiling when she can finally focus on Scott. 

“Hi, sweetheart.” Scott says in the softest whisper he can. Everything seems so delicate all of a sudden. “Let’s get you in bed.” 

Tessa shakes her head. “I’m all sticky from the beach.” She says. “I need a shower.” 

Scott smiles. “I don’t know if a shower’s a good idea on your foot.” He says. 

Tessa pouts. “Will you help me?” 

Scott chuckles. He’s never been one to deny her anything. He carries her into the bathroom and sets her on the sink counter. 

He takes her face in his hands and kisses her softly. “Tough day, eh, kiddo?” 

She gives him a weak smile and nods. 

“I’m sorry, baby.” He says, pulling her against him for a hug and feeling her arms wrap around him in return. 

She holds on tightly to his shirt, and he lets her rest her head on his shoulder as he rubs her back. “It’s okay.” He tells her. “I got you. I’m so proud of you, T. I think that was exactly what they needed to hear.” He’s referring to the way she told the boys about what had happened to her the first time she’d been in the hospital. It seemed like just enough information to set them at ease without also provoking more worry. 

He hears the smallest whimper and she presses her face to his neck.

“I know.” Scott whispers. “I’m so sorry. It’s so hard.”

Tessa nods, her fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t with you today.” He says, because it’s been weighing on him. 

He feels Tessa shake her head against him. 

“You can’t be with me all the time.” She says. “Things happen.” 

“You shouldn’t have been there alone.” He says, and she realises why it’s bothering him so much. She’d felt the same strange pull on her earlier, being in an emergency room again. She straightens up and looks Scott in the eye, stroking his cheek gently. “I’m okay.” She tells him, and he feels some strange kind of release like he hadn’t quite believed it up to this point, and he leans forward and into her arms, burying his face against her neck just as she’d done to him a moment ago. He feels halfway silly about it but he can’t help the sob that escapes him. “I’m sorry.” He says, “I’m just…” He clutches her hair, tries to keep his grip gentle. “I was so scared.” He’s not sure if he’s talking about the first time or this time or both. He’d been scared both times. When there’s something wrong with someone you love it’s always scary, especially when you aren’t there with them. 

“Scott.” She whispers, her fingers stroking the back of his neck. “It’s okay.” 

He nods but holds her tighter. 

She feels awfully that he feels this way, and she wants to make it better. “Will you help me?” She asks, referring to the shower. 

Scott stills against her and takes a deep breath. It means a lot. He knows she’s thinking about last time and she knows how badly he’d wanted to help her, how badly he’d needed to be close to her then. It’s the same now. He doesn’t care if this time is less severe, he’s still a mess thinking about all of it. So he nods quickly, trying to collect himself before pulling away and wiping at his eyes. “Sorry.” He says. 

Tessa smiles softy at him. “Don’t be.” She whispers and then holds her arms up. He smiles back at her and helps lift her coverup off, leaving her sitting there in her bikini. Scott folds the dress for her and sets it on the sink before kneeling down on the tile floor to undo the bandage on her foot. She watches him, watches how gently he goes about touching her and it crosses her mind, not for the first time that day, that she loves him endlessly. 

He gets the bandage off and holds her foot up so he can get a look at her. He smiles and she can tell he feels better when he sees that it really isn’t that bad, it was just the swelling that had been hurting her mostly. He presses a kiss just under where she’s been hurt, on the arch of her foot and looks up at her for a moment, his eyes slowly wandering up her body, until they meet hers, and then he leans forward and presses another kiss to her, on her thigh this time. “You’re so gorgeous.” He tells her and she scoffs because she can imagine how she looks after a day supervising two little boys at the beach _and_ in the hospital, but nothing in his face tells her he’s being disingenuous. In fact, nothing about him ever makes her feel like he means anything but what he says. 

He keeps his eyes on her a moment longer before clearing his throat as if coming out of a daze. “Do you want to um… keep the bathing suit on?” He asks, and he means it, which hurts her slightly because he thinks she doesn’t want him to see her. It’s not true, she’s just had a hard time with things in a sexual context lately, but this doesn’t feel sexual. She thinks this is the difference between sex and intimacy that she sometimes has a hard time distinguishing. So she shakes her head, because she wants nothing more in this moment than to be _seen_ by him. 

She can tell it surprises him and she can see the way it makes him feel proud, like she trusts him more than he’d thought. His shoulders go back, his spine straightens, his jaw sets. He’s a man on a mission now, to make her feel safe and comfortable and it’s kind of adorable and also inescapably sensual the way it makes her feel. He helps her slip off her bikini bottoms first, his strong, warm hands on the skin of her hips, pulling them from her, revealing her to him for the first time in what feels like forever. He doesn’t let his eyes linger on any one part of her, doesn’t want her to feel like he’s thinking too much about it, but he’s nearly trembling at being able to do something like this for her again, and to see her so fully makes his heart feel like it’s beating out of his chest. And it’s not sexual, he’s just so glad she still trusts him in this way. 

She holds her arms up once more so he can undo the strap of her bikini and use those same warm hands to slide it down her arms and from her body, exposing her breasts, as she focuses on his face, watches the way it softens when he sees her there like that before him. It’s everything. 

“How do you want me to um… help?” He asks, not wanting to overstep. It’s sweet. “Shower with me?” She asks and he grins, pulling his shirt over his head eagerly and making her laugh. It’s the first time she’s seen him in as long as he hasn’t seen her and she finds herself excited. He’s been shirtless, in a towel, but she hasn’t really seen _all_ of him, and it feels right to be like that again. Their bodies had always opened the door to each other’s souls, and to think it’s been so long is kind of mindblowing. 

Tessa lets her eyes rake over him as he leans into the shower to turn the water on. “Okay.” He says, straightening up and holding his arms out. “One shower servant at your service.” He bows at her and she thinks it could be a fun game if she were at all up for it, but the truth is she’s still not there. It’s hard to admit to herself, but Scott seems to understand that better than she can. 

He lifts her and carries her into the glass shower, mindful of her head and her feet as he comes through the door, and then setting her down gently so she can stand on her good leg and use his shoulder for balance. He does everything without her even asking, leans down and lathers up her sponge, helps her back into the warm stream, waits for her to dip her head under the water, washing the salt and sand from her hair. 

“Can I…?” He asks, holding the sponge in hand. She nods and watches the way his smile grows as he scrubs her skin gently with it, her hand locked around his free bicep, and his hand braced on her hip to keep her balanced and still. He starts at her neck, his eyes locked on hers as the suds trickles down her throat, between her breasts and further down her stomach. Scott glances down momentarily because he can’t help it and it honestly just makes Tessa smile. “I’m not paying you to _look._ ” She jokes, and the way he looks at her, like he’s so _fucking_ glad to hear her being that light, makes her want to kiss him. 

“You’re not paying me at all, Miss.” He says, still grinning as he runs the sponge down between her breasts and then back up, down and under the lengths of her arms. She closes her eyes and just lets it all happen to her. It feels so nice to be cared for like that. “Maybe I _should_ be.” She says quietly and he stills. 

“Kiss me.” She hears him whisper softly, his breath warm against her lips. She opens her eyes briefly and leans forward, capturing his lips in a sweet, lazy kiss, letting her lips slide from his gently when it’s over. 

“You’re more than worth it.” He tell her and she smiles and shuts her eyes once more as he moves around her side and up her back, to each of her shoulders then down, tracing the swoop of her back, her ass, the backs of her thighs and then around to the front. She almost wants him to go between her legs, _almost_ , but there’s still something inside of her that’s appreciative of the fact that he doesn’t, just moves up to her navel, the underside of her breasts, over each one gently. 

“Here.” He says softly, cradling her head and helping her lean back so that the water can wash over her whole body. 

She still has her eyes closed as it hits her all warm and wet and relaxing, especially with his hands holding her so securely. She feels immensely safe with him and it’s just what she needed. 

He helps her straighten back up and she feels his hand on her arm, holding her as he turns to hang the sponge up. 

“You okay?” He asks in a whisper. 

She opens her eyes and nods. 

“Leg’s okay?” He asks, wanting to be sure. “You want a break?” 

She shakes her head, thinks it’s funny that he’s worried about her standing on one leg. She’s had so much practice with it over the years she thinks maybe she was training specifically for this moment, so she wouldn’t need to interrupt the absolute peace that this moment with him is bringing her. 

“Let’s get your hair then, eh?” 

She can’t believe how much she loves him. 

He works his hands through her hair as she holds on to his shoulder. His fingers feel so good on her scalp, like he’s massaging her there, and she feels the stress of the day melt away and run down the drain with the water. 

She shivers slightly and somehow Scott sees it immediately and reaches behind her to turn the hot water up. “That okay?” He asks and she nods, somewhat in awe of him and the way he can read her body. 

“Here, I got you. Rinse for me.” He says as he cradles her head once more and she leans back into the stream. He keeps her held firmly there so that the water hits the crown of her head. She meets his eyes and sees nothing but love and adoration in them and he leans forward when he sees her, that look in her eye like she just wants to be _close_ , so he nuzzles her nose, waits to make sure she wants this, and when she angles her head toward him, he captures her lips in another kiss, this one longer and deeper than the last as he holds her carefully. 

When he breaks the kiss she feels her heartbeat thrumming in her ears. He helps her up and holds her hand as he turns for the conditioner, repeating his ministrations on her scalp until she feels like putty in his hands, her leg growing less sturdy by the minute, she’s so relaxed. He seems to sense it, his grip tightening on her.

“Last time.” He says, leaning her back, letting the conditioner rinse from her hair and then helping her back up, shutting the water off and quickly scooping her up into his arms as her leg begins to shake.

“Gotcha.” He says and kisses her wet nose. 

She smiles. He has her stand for a moment, careful to be close to her as he finds a towel and helps her dry off, and then he carries her into their room, sets her down on the bed, leaves her the towel for her hair and goes back into the bathroom for something. She waits on him, curious as to what he’s doing, when he emerges with his boxers on and her lotion in hand. “Wow, full service.” She says, a small smirk playing on her lips. 

He winks at her. “While you’re not paying me, I do accept tips.” He falls to his knees and before he can squeeze the lotion into his hands, she reaches down and cups his cheeks, tilting his face up to her and leans down, pressing yet another kiss to his lips, letting her tongue partake this time, slipping out and teasing across the seam of his until he parts them for her and she can taste him just briefly before pulling back. 

His cheeks are red when she refocuses on him and he shakes his head. “Well, it won’t pay for my dinner but I’ll certainly take it.” He says, grinning and half breathless as he tries to continue their little game of banter. 

She just smiles and holds out her leg. 

He works his hands over her expertly, touching her with care, completely focused, just as he’d been before, and when he finishes she feels like a puddle, laid back on the bed, half asleep. 

Scott chuckles as he kneels beside her now, leans down and presses a kiss to her cheek and she looks up at him with hooded eyes and a sleepy smile. 

“Looks like I earned that tip.” He says in a whisper and strokes the back of his hand down her soft cheek before climbing off the bed, pulling a drawer open and retrieving one of her nightdresses. It’s one of his favourites and truthfully she’s brought it for that reason, she likes the way he looks at her when she wears it, and it thrills her that he’s picked it specifically. 

She pushes herself up on the bed and holds her arms up so he can pull it over her head, powder blue silk tickling her sides and cooling her skin. 

He helps her wrap her foot back up in gauze and then peels the covers back so she can climb under them while he goes about tidying up and shutting out the lights. He leaves his bedside light on while he climbs in bed beside her and holds his arms open for her. She snuggles against him and he wraps his arms around her tightly. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He says. 

She strokes a hand across his bare chest and looks up at him. “Thank you for taking such good care of me.” 

He kisses her forehead. “Always.” He says. “How’s your back?” 

Tessa chuckles, having mostly forgotten about it in the excitement of the day. “It’s alright.” She says. “Just a little sore.” 

“Yeah?” Scott asks, chewing his lip. His hand finds the spot he knows is hurting and strokes across it gently. “I wanted this to be a nice holiday for you.” He says quietly into her hair. “I’m sorry it’s been so hard.” 

Tessa presses closer to him, her fingers digging into the skin of his shoulder slightly where she’s holding on to him. “I love it.” She says and then laughs. “But hopefully no more hospitals.” 

“Please, _God_ , no more hospitals.” Scott says, allowing himself to laugh about it finally. She’s sweet, telling him she loves it, and he doesn’t doubt that she does because she always enjoys time away with just the family but he still wants her to have time to relax. He hopes what he has planned over the next couple of days plays out well… or at least better than today. 

“How was the aquarium?” Tessa asks through a yawn, resting her head on his arm. Scott’s hand comes up to play with her hair. 

“It was good.” He says. “I think Peter had a really good time and I feel like… I don’t know maybe a little more confident with him. But I think I need more time.” 

“There’s no time _limit_.” Tessa says, pushing at his chest. “You have all the time in the world.” 

Scott smiles because she’s right. It puts him at ease. 

“I love you.” He says, looking down at her. “Like a crazy amount.” 

“Really?” She asks sleepily, giving him a sweet little playful smile, “How much?” 

“More than the weight of all the sperm whales in the whole world.” Scott says in a whisper, watching Tessa’s smile grow, her eyes glimmering. “That’s a lot.” She says softly, repeating what Peter had said to her when she’d told him that. 

“Yeah.” Scott says, watching Tessa’s eyes flutter shut, her lips still upturned in a sweet smile. He watches her a moment longer, stroking his hand through her hair until he’s sure she’s asleep before he reaches over and shuts out his light, settling back against her. It’s been a hard day, and they clearly have a lot of trauma to address, but he wouldn’t trade the way the day ended for anything. 


	7. Holiday pt.2

10 Months Ago

* * *

Scott wakes up in the middle of the night to the sound of quiet little sniffles. 

He reaches his arm out but Tessa’s all the way on the other side of the bed. His heart sinks and he immediately pushes himself over to her, pressing against her back. 

“Shh, Tess. It’s okay. Don’t cry.” He whispers to her, his hand finding that spot on her belly that she always says hurts when she gets her period. 

“Does it still hurt, honey?” 

Tessa shakes her head no. It doesn’t hurt anymore and she feels like that makes it even harder. She feels like there’s nothing of her baby left. 

“T.” Scott sighs. “You gotta get some sleep, it’ll help I promise.” He says. “Come here, let me hold you.” He places a gently hand on her shoulder to turn her but she resists him. 

“Please, T?” He asks. “I can help.” 

Tessa doesn’t think he can help. She doesn’t think anyone can help, not unless they have some sort of enchanted clock that can turn back time. But she hears the worry and the disappointment in Scott’s voice and she knows he can’t stand to see her this way so she turns to him, lets him hold her. 

She stops crying because she feels horribly sensing the way it makes him hurt as well. She thinks that maybe she can keep all her hurt inside and that way she’ll at least spare him his. She tries her hardest but she’s not sure it works. 

* * *

Present

* * *

Scott thinks his favourite part of the day is waking up next to Tessa. It doesn’t matter where they are because they’re together. 

He likes the way she curls into herself, trying to hold onto sleep as long as possible, and then when she surrenders to the walking world, he likes to watch her eyelids flutter, her nose scrunch, her lips part. It’s kind of adorable to watch the way she rejects consciousness as long as possible. Sometimes, he thinks she’d just lay there with her eyes closed for hours if the days would let her. Sometimes he tries to let her do just that. But today, be it the light dancing through the windows, the sound of the waves outside their open balcony door, or the fact that she knows they’re on a schedule, she opens her eyes and looks up at him. 

“Hey, beautiful.” He whispers, kissing her forehead. 

She smiles sleepily and stretches out. “Time?” 

Scott chuckles. “Seven.” 

He wants to lay in with her a bit, wants to hold her the way she’d let him last night, but she pulls back the blankets, because sometimes if she doesn’t just do it right away it takes her ages and feels like torture to her. 

She swings her legs to the side of the bed and Scott watches her peacefully, the powder blue silk clinging to her body attractively as she pushes herself up. 

“Fuck.” She hisses, falling back onto the bed, and the juxtaposition of her looking like she does and cursing like that makes him laugh, but only for a moment. He pushes himself up and kneels behind her, placing his hands on her shoulders. They’re already tense. 

“What’s wrong?” He asks, “Your foot?” 

She nods, her injured left foot crossed over the thigh of her right leg. She sighs. 

“S’okay.” He says. 

She turns back to look at him, hurt in her eyes. He knows how excited she is to take Peter scuba diving. 

“We’re going to get you there, kiddo. Even if I have to carry you on my back.” He massages her shoulders for a moment, trying to get her to relax before he gets up and brings her crutches over so she won’t have to put weight on her foot. 

In the end, he does end up having to carry her onto the boat because the dock moves too much with the tide for her to be using crutches on it. Noah giggles as he scampers up the stairs to the boat before them and some of the other people on board laugh as well, but Tessa’s in good sprits today and it kind of surprises Scott, though he’s of course very glad to see it. 

She holds Noah in her lap and talks to Peter about all the interesting fish they’re going to see and Scott smiles and feels so lucky to have her with him. 

Scott lets Tessa go diving with Peter and Connor first while he bobs in the clear blue water with Noah in his lifejacket beside him. He keeps flipping himself onto his stomach to he can look underwater with his giant chunky goggles and it’s adorable. 

When Tessa comes back to them so Scott can have a turn scubaing with the boys, she looks the happiest he’s seen her in a while. He thinks then that maybe this holiday really _was_ a good idea. Maybe it really _is_ helping. 

They see all sort of colourful fish and coral and creatures that Scott didn’t even know existed. Peter excitedly tells him about all of them, halfway breathless, continually interrupting himself to shoot back under the surface to make sure he’s not missing anything. It’s the best. Even Connor seems thrilled. 

The boat ride back is peaceful, it’s late afternoon by that time and they’re all exhausted from the excitement and the sun, and the warm breeze feels amazing as they make their way back to the island. 

Scott carries Tessa off the boat and they go out in search of a place for dinner. 

They laugh as Peter tells them a story about a man who found a small fortune in the belly of a tiger shark. He then goes on a tangent about tiger shark attacks which has Connor’s full attention, and Tessa sees her two oldest bond for the first time in a long time. 

But when they put the kids to bed and return to their room for the night, Tessa goes and sits quietly on the balcony, her legs drawn up to her chest, hugging her knees as she looks out on the dark ocean. 

Scott leaves her to herself for a while. He showers and gets ready for bed, only glancing out every so often. She’s still there in that same position. Hasn’t moved. 

“T.” He pokes his head out when he thinks maybe she needs someone to talk to. 

She looks up at him. 

“Do you want to come lay with me?” He asks, and she can tell how much he wants that and she can tell how happy he is, how happy this time together is making him. She doesn’t have the heart to say that she just wants some time alone, so she does. 

They lay in silence in one another’s arms, Tessa stroking Scott’s hair until he falls asleep. She stays up, staring at the ceiling for hours, right on the verge of tears. It’s not that she hadn’t loved the day - she had. She’s just feeling sad suddenly, and she thinks that’s okay. It’s okay in her head, but she doesn’t want Scott to feel upset by it, and she doesn’t want her boys to notice either. It worries her. 

Another day goes by and Tessa’s foot is a lot better. She’s walking on it now, and they spend the day at the beach and the waterpark. Tessa’s not a huge fan of waterparks - she’s not a huge fan of cruises in general - but if it means her family’s happy she’ll gladly partake. She thinks she goes down the twister slide with Noah about 800 times. It’s brilliant to see the smile on his face and to hear him giggling. He sits between her legs, leans back on her stomach and holds onto her thighs as they fly down the slide. And he turns immediately when they hit the water, reaching for her, wrapping his arms around her neck and meeting her eyes. She loves how much he clings to her in those moments, her littlest baby. When she holds him, his chubby hands find her cheeks, _feeling_ her smile, and she hopes he can see how happy she is, because she _is._ She hopes he knows how glad she is to be here with him. She hopes all her boys know that. 

Connor holds her hand while they walk to dinner on the island and it’s the first time he’s done that in over two years as he normally feels a bit too cool for it now. It makes her heart melt and the way he looks up at her with those big brown eyes and smiles widely does the same. “This place is cool, mum.” He says, and it means so much to her that he’s enjoying it. 

Peter brings her a seashell when they walk on the beach after dinner. “Mumma, this one is for you.” He tells her. “Oh, thank you, baby.” She says, stroking his hair as she crouches down to him. “What kind is it?” She expects some very detailed explanation about the genus and species of the creature that once inhabited the smooth pink shell, but he shrugs. “I don’t know.” He says. “But it’s pretty. And pretty things make you happy.” She can’t help the tears that cloud her eyes suddenly and she pulls him into a tight hug and cradles his head. “ _You_ make me happy.” She says. “I love you _so_ much.” Not only is she incredibly touched by this little boy and how he’s drawn parallels between objects and emotions, for to be so attuned is an enormous feat, even for a typical child, but she’s also overwhelmed with what she thinks is behind the gesture, and what she’s afraid is in the back of all of her children’s minds - that somehow she’s not as happy as she should be. 

The thought throws her because she has to wonder; how happy _should_ she be? She’s perfectly happy at times, overwhelmingly happy. All day today she’s been surrounded by the people she loves the most, has shared laughs, made memories, had the privilege of giving and receiving _so much_ love that she’s elated. But there’s still a part of her that’s not done mourning. It doesn’t change the happiness, but the happiness doesn’t change the grief either. And she doesn’t think that’s a bad thing. She thinks that’s what healing looks like for her, being able to let in that happiness, to let it wash over her so that she can feel it in every part of her, so that she can smile and laugh and be the person she was before. It’s taken her a long time to feel happiness again, but it’s here. Unfortunately, along with it comes a bit of guilt. Because while her boys live in the happy present, her baby, the one she’d lost, lives in the grief of the past, and until she can fully merge the two worlds, until her loss can become a part of her present and her happiness can extend into the grief so that she can welcome her lost baby as a part of her no matter what, she can’t let go of it. She feels like it would be like losing her baby all over again. So she’s waiting for a sign or a feeling, or something that shows her or tells her that it’s okay to feel both at once, for the happiness to smooth over the grief and the grief to enrich the happiness. Because she does believe that to be true, that grief shows you how much you have, and allows you to hold on even to things you’ve lost, and happiness allows you to make space for the grief so that you can move forward without feeling like you’re completely letting go. Her baby is still with her, is a part of her no matter what. All of her babies are. 

* * *

When they get the kids to bed all Tessa really wants is some _time_. She wants time to process how she’s feeling, time to reconcile feeling happy again when she also feels like she’s still mourning. She doesn’t think the two need to be mutually exclusive - her feelings change. It’s her very experience of the day, immense happiness and love for her family, and heartache for what she still feels as a very real and very raw loss, and all of those complicated thoughts about joining the two together. She needs some time to parse them. 

So she sits outside, looking out at the way the moonlight dances over the ocean and feeling the warm breeze waft over her, breathing deeply as her mind sets to work. 

But from Scott’s perspective, his wife is sat alone in the dark again, silent after a day he’d thought would make her overjoyed. The way her boys care for their mother amazes him and the way she accepts their love and returns it is something he could never tire of watching. But still, something just seems off. 

So he pokes his head out once more. 

“Hey, I… we had a good day, didn’t we?” He says. 

She nods and gives him a weak smile but he sees through it.

He sighs, not knowing what to do. “But you’re not happy.” He says, stepping out and sitting himself on the lounge adjacent to hers. 

It breaks Tessa’s heart to hear him say that. She knows he so desperately wants her to be happy. 

“I am.” She insists, but it doesn’t work on him. 

“What happened?” He asks, leaning forward and setting his hand on her bare knee, his thumb stroking across her delicately. 

She shakes her head. “Nothing.” She says in a whisper. “I’m just tired.” 

“Do you want to come to bed?” He asks hopefully. 

She doesn’t answer him. She feels so overwhelmed suddenly. She had enjoyed the day, but _now_ she feels upset and it’s obviously not what Scott wants to see. She feels a little selfish for ruining a great day for him. 

“I just…” She hears him say, and it sounds like he’s on the verge of tears so she turns to him to see him hunched over with his head in his hands. “I just want you to be happy, Tess. I just want that so badly.” 

“I know.” She says, tears stinging her eyes. “I think I just need… a little time to myself right now.” 

“Oh.” Scott says, like he’s realised he’s intruding. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. I’m sorry.” He stands quickly and heads for the door inside. He does his best to hide the bit of hurt he feels, but Tessa catches it. 

“No, I -“ She turns to face him, her voice apologetic. “Scott-“ 

He stops in the doorway and turns to her. 

“I’m sorry.” She says, her voice breaking.

He has worry written across his face but his expression softens when he sees her and he kneels down beside her lounge so they’re eye to eye. 

“Don’t be sorry.” He says softly. “Take all the time you need. I’m right inside… if you need _me_.” 

Her lip quivers but she nods. “Thank you.” He leans forward and presses a soft kiss to her forehead before heading back inside, getting into bed and shutting the lights off, leaving the one by her bedside on for her so she won’t be in the dark when she comes back in. 

He’s not really sure what to think. He feels slightly disappointed that she isn’t as happy as he is, that she still seems closed off… but then he feels guilty for it because it’s pretty much exactly what they’d talked about in therapy - that she’d felt somewhat rushed into normalcy. She’d said she didn’t feel normal yet, and he shouldn’t expect her to. He shouldn’t expect things to be normal because they aren’t. And not only that but she’s been carrying the team this whole holiday - she can hardly go to the bathroom by herself the boys are so clingy at times, especially Noah, who seems to be a bit weary now that she’s been back to hospital. She’ll never initiate time on her own while they’re on holiday but he wonders if maybe he should make some time for her… he doesn’t want to push it on her, but he thinks maybe if he gives her the option at least, he can make the decision a little easier on her. 

So, he pulls out his phone and makes some reservations for her at the spa. He can always cancel them, and all she has to do is say no. 

She joins him in bed long past midnight, but he’s still awake, still glancing out at her dark form every so often. She makes her way inside as quietly as possible, and she climbs gently into bed, thinking he’s sleeping. 

She keeps her space at first, they lay facing away from one another. Scott thinks twenty minutes must go by before he hears her sigh softly, and then he feels her shake slightly and sniffle and he realises she’s crying. It makes his heart ache and he turns slightly, but she quiets immediately, afraid she’s woken him. He stills, hears her sniffle, feels her curl into a tight ball. He doesn’t know what she wants, he thinks that’s the hardest part. If she wanted him to hold her while she cried, he’d do it in a heartbeat, if she wanted to stay up and talk all night, he’d love to, if she wanted something material, he’d get it for her, no matter what it was. He just wants to help but he doesn’t know how and he’s afraid that by trying without knowing he’ll only upset her more. 

So he turns toward her, just so that he’s facing her. He doesn’t touch her, just lays there. She’s still facing away from him, still trying to be as quiet as she can, her body shaking gently in a way that makes it incredibly hard for him not to do anything, but it’s selfish of him to want to make her feel better for _his_ sake. If she needs this, if she needs to feel this sadness, then he’s going to let her, no matter how it hurts him. 

He shuts his eyes, trying to block out the pain of seeing her like that, trying to think about her smiling, happy, like she’d been earlier that day. It had been so good. Everything had felt better. He’s not sure how long they lay like that, but eventually he feels Tessa shift in bed. He keeps his eyes closed, afraid she’ll feel like he’s intruding, but he feels her against him, inching herself closer until she’s flush against him, and she sighs softly. His arm is between them and he debates not lifting it for her, doesn’t want it to be too much, but he can’t stand it any longer. If she’s pressed against him this way she must want him close. So he lifts his arm and slips his hand over the curve of her waist, splaying it out on her lower back as he pulls her tightly against him. 

She lets out a satisfied little hum and he feels relief finally, and it feels better than he could have imagined because _she’s_ come to _him_. She still wants him there. She still likes to be close, likes him to hold her. It’s so comforting for him to see that. 

“I had such a good day.” She whispers to him now that she knows he’s awake. “It was _so_ fun.” She swallows hard, “But even when I have good days, I have other feelings. I can feel sad, too. It doesn’t take away from the happy feelings, it’s just there next to them.” 

It takes his breath away to hear her say that so concisely and in a way that he can finally understand. It’s common sense, he knows it, but he hadn’t realised it. He hadn’t been thinking that way and it makes him feel selfish because he’d taken her sad feelings as his personal failures, like it had been his job to make her happy. And that was him taking control of the situation when in reality it’s hers to do with what she needs. It’s _her_ sadness, _her_ grief and he’s here to help, but _she_ should get to deal with it how she wants. 

In a desperate effort to figure out what she needs, he’s completely missed what she’s been _telling_ him all along. He’s realising it now, and expecting her to feel a certain way is definitely part of that. 

He pulls her closer. “I haven’t given you enough time.” He whispers, a lump in his throat. “I’m so sorry about that, Tessa.” Sorry is an understatement.

Tessa simply kisses his neck, where her head is tucked against him securely. “It’s not your fault.” She says, and he clutches her shirt. “It is.” He tells her. “I’m sorry.” He repeats, “I’m so sorry, Tess. They’re _your_ feelings.” He says. “I get it now.” He looks down, pressing his forehead to hers. She closes her eyes tightly and nods. “Thank you.” She whispers, accepting his apology, her hand slowly traveling up his back to knot in his hair. 

She angles her head upward, her breath ghosting across his lips, hot and sweet, and then she presses against him, capturing his lips in a hard kiss, like she’s been waiting for it, waiting for him to see this. To see _her._

He kisses her back, his hands on her waist, clutching her clothing wherever he can, needing to hold on to her. 

He feels her tongue slip past his lips and he tastes her, and it’s happened so rarely in the past ten months that he hums lowly at the sensation and he feels her lean into him harder, and then her hand finds his on her hip and she pushes it down to her ass and it’s the first time she’s wanted him to touch her that way in so long. 

He grips her possessively, but then backs off slightly, not wanting to push it too much and just smooths his hand over the curve of her, squeezing her gently, making her gasp slightly into his mouth and swing her leg over his so that she can press herself against his thigh. She rocks her hips gently and he encourages her softly, helping her push herself forward, keeping his thigh where she needs him. Her breath is heavier now as her lips press desperately to his, and he runs his free hand over her back, trying to calm her, but she whimpers and then pulls back, shaking and fighting tears of frustration. 

She’d wanted to push herself a little, because _he’s_ pushing so hard for her. She knows he’s asking him to go against basically everything he’s ever known. He’s always been the type of person that needs people to be happy and she’s always been the type of person that wants to _make_ people happy, so even if she wasn’t fully comfortable she thought maybe she could push through it for him, but it was too much. 

Tessa just knows how much it hurts him inside to see the people he loves in pain, and he’s trying so hard to figure out what she needs of him. It means so much to her. She wants to feel that connectedness with him again, and she knows how badly he wants that too. It just seems like her body isn’t quite there yet. 

“Hey.” He pulls her close once more. “It’s alright.” He whispers to her, his lips pressed to her temple. “We’re gonna get there.” He feels a new resolve, a new hope that they will. “We’re gonna get there, T.”

Tears slip from her eyes because she feels a whole wave of emotions hit her - embarrassment, guilt, sadness, safety, comfort, gratitude. There’s so much going on that she can’t keep it in despite how hard she’s trying. But it’s alright because Scott just holds her and kisses the tears away, whispers to her that he loves her, that she’s okay, that _they’re_ okay. But more than anything, he _lets_ her cry. He lets her feel all the strong and difficult emotions she’s feeling without trying to stop them. That very act means so much to her because he’s recognising and allowing her sadness. And eventually, against the warmth of his solid chest with the familiar sound of his heart beating rhythmically in her ear, she falls asleep against him. Life isn’t perfect - it’s never been and it never will be. But she does think it’s made up of broken shards of something close to it. Just little pieces that may never fit together but that glimmer and glint so brightly that you don’t even care they’re mismatched. Those moments are like beach glass in a sand of uncertainty. And it’s Scott's hand she’s lucky enough to hold as she navigates through the thick sand. And so she carries a little shard of that shimmering exquisiteness with her everywhere she goes. 

* * *

The next morning, as soon as Scott wakes up, he cancels the reservations he’s made for Tessa. They’re nice suggestions, would be good for a birthday or Christmas gift, but she should get to choose how she spends her time… or even _if_ she wants to spend it the way he’s going to give her the option to. 

When she wakes with a yawn and a stretch and blinks her big green eyes at him, he greets her with a smile and a kiss to her nose. 

“I have a proposition.” He says, and she raises her brow. 

He gives her the choice - he’ll take the kids, let her have the whole day to do whatever she wants. She can lay in bed all day, spend it by the pool, go to the spa, explore the island - whatever she wants. Or, she can come to the beach with them. Or she can do both. He doesn’t want to limit her in any way and he doesn’t want her to think about logistics at all. 

“I’ll handle everything.” He says. “I’ll need some practice anyway since I’m going to be home more often.”

Tessa smiles softly. It’s the sweetest gesture. “Well… she says softly… I wouldn’t mind sleeping in a little…” 

Scott beams. 

Tessa spends the morning sleeping in once the kids are out the door. Peter had taken a bit of convincing to leave her, but to her surprise, Noah was the one most upset. After promising him a million times over she wasn’t going to do anything dangerous and after Scott had waxed poetic about all the different sorts of fish they’d be able to see at the beach and the ice cream they’d get to have he’d finally been sold. 

When Tessa wakes back up in the afternoon, she takes herself to the spa for a massage. It’s so funny, being alone. Part of her feels guilty, though she knows she shouldn’t. It defeats the whole purpose of why she’s here, and if she’s honest, her being here, taking time for herself, allowing herself to relax and collect her thoughts, will only help her be more present with her family. That’s what she keeps telling herself as she lays facedown on the massage table, wincing as the masseuse works knots the size of pingpong balls from her shoulders. 

When she leaves the spa after winding down in the sauna, she sits in the sun by the pool and has a few drinks. She can’t help herself, she just feels so fluid now. 

And as she lays there in the warm sunlight, she thinks about everything that’s going on. She thinks about Peter and his diagnosis, how hard it is, how hard it’s going to be, how much they’re going to struggle, but she also thinks about how many strategies she’s seen him employ already. He’s opened a whole new chamber in her heart where she finds joy in even the simplest things. And Connor, her first little baby is growing up so fast. He’s so smart and caring and he reminds her so much of herself, the way he’s always observing everything. And then her little Noah, four already, with her eyes but Scott’s heart… _and disposition._ He’s her little spitfire, and he’ll run her into the ground and dig her up all in the space of a minute. She cherishes each of them more than she could ever express. And then there’s Scott. What’s she meant to say about that man? He’s everything. He helps her overcome things she never thought possible. When she feels all the strength in her run dry, he fills her again so easily - sometimes with just a wink, or a hand on her shoulder. She smiles as she thinks of all they’ve been through together, how, as children, their minds would have surely short circuited if they’d been able to see all the places they would take one another, all the things they would make together. And as she’s smiling, her eyes shut against the sun, she thinks of her fourth baby, the one she never got to meet, and tears slip from her eyes but she _laughs,_ because she feels so close to them, like they’re right there with her, like she could reach out and touch them. A mother never truly _loses_ a child, it’s impossible. They’re a part of you, woven so tightly into your heart that nobody could ever hope to extract the little strands they’ve sewn into you. She thinks about feeling _normal,_ and decides that that doesn’t exist. There’s only before and after, like there’s always been. There was _before_ her legs started hurting, and then _before_ her surgery. There was _before_ Scott stopped talking to her, before they made up, before they had sex, before they won the olympics, _before_ they _didn’t_ win the olympics, _before_ they won the olympics _again_ , _before_ they were married, _before_ they had babies, and _before_ they lost a baby. And this place she’s living in now, while it might chronologically be an after, really it’s just another before. She can’t go back, only forward, and soon there will be another before with which to define this present. So this is normal now. And that’s okay. _She’s_ okay. Her _family_ is okay, and her baby, the one she’s never going to meet, is with her in a way that can never be taken from her and it’s not _forgetting_ or _dishonour_ to feel happy sometimes, to allow herself to relax sometimes, to be kind to herself sometimes. She’s still furious at her body, at herself, for feeling like she’s failed her child, but she doesn’t touch on those thoughts right now. It’s okay to take things one step at a time. It’s okay to save those thoughts for a time where she can speak about them with someone who will help her process them. It’s okay to wait until she’s ready, whenever that may be. Scott understands now, and that’s all she needed from him, just understanding. And it helps her finally release the tension, and even if it’s only for now, just while she’s here, it’s enough to keep her going. 

By the time she makes it back to the room, just slightly tipsy from the drinks and the sun, she crashes back into bed and sleeps for another hour before she’s woken up by little hands in her hair. 

“Mumma.” A little voice whispers, “Mumma, it’s not nighttime yet.” 

She smiles before she even gets the chance to open her eyes. “Mh…” She hums. “Looks pretty dark in here to me.” 

There’s a goofy giggle. “That’s ‘cause your eyes are closed, mumma.” The little voice says, and she feels a tiny finger stroke across her eyelid. Then she finds herself giggling because it’s just so cute. 

“Who’s that anyway?” She asks. “I can’t see in here.” 

“That’s ‘cause your eyes are closed, mumma!” The voice giggles all over again. “It’s Noah!” 

“Noah!” She exclaims, “Where are you?” 

He erupts into a fit of giggles, only to be seized by even stronger ones when she reaches out, feeling for him until she can tickle his belly. 

She opens her eyes then and gasps in jest, “Ohhh, there you are, silly.” She says. “Why did you have the lights off?” 

He throws his head back and laughs so hard it’s silent as she continues tickling his belly before scooping his squirming little body into her arms and hugging him tightly. “I missed you.” She says. “How was the beach?” 

“My ice cream dropped on daddy’s head.” Noah cackles, and Tessa’s eyes widen, a smile tugging at her lips as she imagines it. 

And then she hears Scott’s voice, “Noah.” It’s a whisper from the boys’ room, “Noah, I told you mummy’s sleep-“ He cuts himself off when he sees Tessa in bed with Noah in her arms and he smiles sheepishly. “Sorry.” He says. 

Tessa laughs. “So am I.” She says. “I heard you got ice cream dropped on your head.” 

Noah tucks his face into her neck and tries to stifle his laughter and Scott just smiles and shakes his head. “Never a dull moment.” He says. 

“Mummy?” Peter pokes through the door and squeezes himself around Scott to climb up into her bed and nuzzle against her. “You smell good.” 

“Dad, tell them to come here.” Tessa hears Connor say from the other room. 

“Yeah.” Scott says, “Hey guys, surprise time.” 

Noah gasps and hurries out of Tessa’s arms and into the other room. 

Peter turns to his mother. “I can tell you what it is if you don’t like surprises.” He says lowly, and Tessa scoops him into her arms and kisses him on the forehead. “Thank you so much for thinking about my feelings.” She says. “But I’m okay with a surprise right now.” 

Peter nods. “Okay.” He says, and then scampers off to join his brothers. 

Scott still has that sheepish smile on his face and Tessa wonders what she’s about to be faced with. 

The boys come in each with a bouquet of flowers. “Mumma, we got these for you because we love you and we want your foot to feel better.” Noah says, running toward her, nearly tripping in his excitement and eagerly shoving the flowers at her. She takes his bouquet first, pink and white plumeria.

“Oh.” Tessa says softly before Peter hands her his bouquet, allamandas, and then Connor, hibiscus and ixora. “Oh my gosh, they’re so gorgeous. Oh, come here.” She pulls them all into a hug, flowers everywhere and Scott looks on from his place in the door between the two rooms smiling widely. 

“Daddy said we should ask you to dinner.” Noah says, shyly.

“Yeah, but you always have dinner with us.” Peter says, thinking the idea is silly. 

Connor sighs, “Will you have dinner with us?” He asks. 

Tessa giggles. “I would _love_ that.” She says. 

Noah does a happy little squirm. “Daddy said we have to wear fancy clothes.” 

Tessa raises her brow and looks up at him. He shrugs. “Only if you’re up to it.” 

She nods eagerly, always up to wearing a fancy dress.

She squeezes her boys again. “Do you think daddy should wear ice cream in his hair?” She asks, and Noah erupts into giggles once more. 

The boys are getting dressed in the other room when Scott comes into the bathroom where Tessa’s putting her earrings in. He glides a hand down her back and she sees his eyes glide over her. 

“You’re beautiful.” He tells her, pressing his lips to her ear and kissing her. 

She smiles at him in the mirror, gets her earring in and turns to him, pressing against him for a hug. “Thank you for today.” She says into his shoulder. He can physically feel the way she’s relaxed now, the tension gone from her body and he’s overjoyed for it. He drops his hands to her hips and circles her there. “Not over yet.” He says. “You might end up with ice cream in your hair.” She hums, leaning against him still, not ready to lose his touch. He seems to sense this and she can feel him smile as he rests his cheek against her forehead and runs his hands over her curves. “Does that feel good?” He asks quietly and she nods. He moves them over her shoulders, runs them up her arms which are wrapped around his neck, and then back down to her hips. “I love touching you.” He says.

She could laugh because if there’s one thing that’s been obvious in all their years it’s that he loves touching her, but she snuggles against his chest instead and tells him “You’re really good at it.”

She feels the way it makes his breath hitch and his chest tighten, like he’s so very _proud_ of that. 

“Daddy?” Noah’s voice comes from behind Scott and Tessa drops her arms and they step apart reluctantly. 

“Help?” Noah has his shirt on backwards and Tessa smiles softly as she watches Scott crouch down and help Noah right his shirt, buttoning him up and folding his collar, joking about some T.V. character that Tessa’s never even heard of. It makes Noah’s face light up and Tessa’s heart flutter. She’s so in love with her family and she loves seeing Scott with the boys. He’s so good with them. 

Dinner is on the island at a restaurant Scott and the boys had passed by on the way to the beach. They’d thought it would be a fun surprise for Tessa, and, judging by the way she’s smiling, they were right. 

Scott chuckles as the turns toward her. The boys are so attached to her he can’t even get near her sometimes but it’s worth it to see the way the love their mum. As they walk to the restaurant, Peter’s holding Tessa’s right hand and Noah’s holding her left as they both talk her ear off about vastly different topics, and Tessa just beams and nods and replies when she can get a word in edgewise.

Connor hovers off to the side of them, feeling too old to hold hands, even if there was a spare hand to hold, but still wanting to be close to his mother who he hadn’t seen all day. 

Scott knows full well that Tessa prefers other vacation spots, but the island suits her so well. 

As they sit at the table he glances up from his menu briefly to look at her, her freckles are darker than normal, her hair wavy, her skin glowing, her shoulders relaxed. It makes him smile and he’s caught off guard when her eyes dart up and meet his, having felt his eyes on her. 

He smirks, winks at her and returns his eyes to his menu as she blushes slightly. 

They catch one another’s eyes a million times over dinner and it feels like wordless flirting, making Scott’s head swim and Tessa’s heart flutter each time. They haven’t felt that sort of bubbliness in a long time. 

Scott holds her hand on their walk back to the ship, the boys running ahead of them, hyped up on sugar from their dessert. 

The sun’s nearly set, and everything is bathed in pink and gold. The two of them walk in silence, watching their boys ahead of them. Tessa brings her free hand up to hold Scott’s bicep and he looks down at her and smiles softly. He loves when she does that. 

“What’d you do today?” He asks. 

Tessa smiles. “I slept in, had a massage, went to the sauna, and had drinks by the pool.” 

“Wow. Sounds like a pretty good day.” 

“It was good.” She confirms. “But this was my favourite part.” She snuggles against his side and he turns his head to kiss her forehead. “Even if you had the worst day in the world and you hate it here I would still want to know.” Scott says. 

Tessa laughs. “I know.” 

As they walk back to their room, they pass the ship’s reception hall where people are dancing. They stop for a moment and watch, Scott’s hand falling to Tessa’s waist on instinct. She looks up at him and smiles and he cocks his head, as if asking her if she wants to dance but she looks down at her tired boys and shakes her head, slightly, giving him a consolatory kiss on the neck and pulling him along. 

Scott sits with his arm around Tessa as they lean on the headboard of Peter’s bed, Peter sitting crisscross at Tessa’s feet, listening stalwartly. Noah’s snuggled up to her as close as he can be, and Connor’s sprawled across the foot of the bed. 

Tessa smiles as she reads Wally the Whale. She doesn’t even really have to look at the words anymore as she’s read it so often. 

Peter would correct her immediately if she got so much as a single article wrong anyway. 

She makes her two youngest giggle with her whale voice, and she even sees Connor crack a smile. 

When she finishes and closes the book, they say their goodnights and as soon as she and Scott close the door between their room and the boys’, Tessa presses herself into Scott’s arms, and Scott readily accepts her. 

“Hey.” He whispers. 

“I do want to dance.” She says, and he grins. 

“Yeah?” 

She nods. 

“I can make that happen.” 

He leads her out to their balcony, offers her his hand with a bow, making her giggle. She takes it and he pulls her against him, clasping his hand around hers and holding her hip as he had before. 

Tessa rests her head on his shoulder and they dance in silence. They’ve done it before. They don’t need music or an audience or a rink or a party. It’s not really about those things anyway, especially not now. Not at this stage in their lives. All they need now is each other. There’s still lots to work through, probably for both of them, and likely for the boys as well, who seemed to be carrying a bit of anxiety about their mother with them from the first time she’d been in hospital. But today was the first day Tessa felt that weight leave her - the weight of the guilt that she wasn’t properly honouring her lost baby by allowing her to fully feel happiness again. She knows nobody and nothing can take her baby away from her, even if she can’t hold them in her arms. Nothing will ever change the fact that she is theirs and they are hers. And that’s true for all her babies. And not only that, but the weight of feeling like she has to _force_ emotions with Scott. She’s so glad he seems to understand now. There’s happiness and sadness and neither cancel the other out. It’s just her boys she’s a little concerned about now. But you can only have so many breakthroughs in a single day.

So she closes her eyes for now and lets herself feel at peace. Even if it is just for now. At least she knows it’s possible again. 


	8. Therapy pt.3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg idk why I had such a rough time writing this but I did lol sorry it took so long. I promise things are going to be on the upswing next chapter

It’s scary in the dark, but Noah has his nightlight on so he can see enough that he knows there’s no monsters around. But it’s not monsters that are his biggest worry right now. He lays in his big boy bed, thinking about his mumma and how, at any moment, daddy could come rushing in and pull him out of bed and take them all to the hospital because mumma is hurt. So he gets out of bed and pads down the hallway and stands outside of his parent’s room. He knows he probably shouldn’t go in - he’s a big boy now, he has the bed to prove it, and big boys don’t wake their mumma and daddy up in the middle of the night.

So he hesitates for a moment before turning and finding Connor’s room. 

“Connor.” He whispers into his brother’s sleeping face. “Coco.” 

He climbs up onto Connor’s bed and kneels beside him, poking his cheek. “Coco. Wake up, please, it’s me, Noah.” 

“Mh.” His older brother stirs and grimaces as he wakes. “Wh- what?” And then he shoots up in bed. “What’s wrong?” He asks. “What’s wrong?” 

It scares Noah how frightened his older brother sounds and his bottom lip quivers. He curls up against his brother and wraps his arms around him. “I’m scared.” Noah whimpers. 

Connor’s not sure what’s happening, just that Noah’s woken him and his now curled up in his lap, shaking. But all he can think of his his father, pulling him from bed, strapping him into the car, driving really fast, his mum hardly able to talk. 

“Is mum okay?” Connor asks, and Noah cries softly. “I got scared she’s not.” 

“But is… did dad come in?” 

Noah shakes his head. “I just had a scary dream about it.” 

“Oh.” Connor says, relaxing somewhat, and patting Noah’s head, hoping to calm him the way he sees his parents do. 

“So she’s okay then, it was just a nightmare.” Connor says, trying to assure himself as much as his brother. 

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to her.” Noah whimpers softly. 

“Me either.” Connor says. “But she’s really strong, so, nothing will, probably.” He swallows hard and leans back against his pillow, hugging his little brother. 

“But something did before.” Noah says. “Should we check?” 

“What are you doing, it’s night time, we’re supposed to sleep at nighttime.” Comes another voice from the doorway. It’s Peter. 

Noah and Connor direct their attention to him. “Noah was scared about mum.” Connor says. 

“Oh.” Peter says. “But it’s nighttime.” 

“But remember it happened at nighttime when she was bleeding.” Noah whispers across Connor’s room. 

Peter pauses and ponders for a moment. “Yeah.” He says. “It did. But that was just once, mum said.” 

“But what if it happens again?” Noah asks. 

“It won’t.” Peter says, “Mum said it won’t.” 

“But what if it does?” Noah insists. 

Peter sighs. “She said it won’t.” 

“I’m scared.” Noah whimpers again and Connor tries to pat his head in that way again. 

“Maybe we should check, just to make sure, and then you won’t be scared?” Connor asks. 

“Daddy doesn’t like when we wake them up at night.” Noah reminds his brother. 

“That’s because nighttime is for sleeping.” Peter says. It’s what he’d been trying to explain initially. 

“We’ll be quiet.” Connor says. “So we won’t wake them up. And that way, we can all go back to sleep.” He adds, so that both his brothers will be satisfied. 

They agree and the three of them tiptoe down the hallway, Noah holding tightly to his oldest brother’s hand. 

Connor turns the doorknob to their parent’s room as quietly as he can and the three of them step inside. 

It’s dark, but the light from the moon allows them to see enough. But they can only see daddy from where they stand, his back to them. Daddy always sleeps on that side of the bed, so mummy is on the other side, they figure.

“Shh.” Connor hushes his brothers and leads them slowly to mummy’s side of the bed, but as they reach it, they come to the horrific realisation that it’s empty - mummy isn’t there. 

Noah immediately bursts into a fit of sobs and wails, which upsets Peter to the point where he has to cover his ears and sink to the ground, curling up into a tight ball while Connor tries his best to silence his brother while also feeling like he might cry any second.

All of this commotion, of course wakes daddy up and he flies out of bed, falling to his knees, inspecting each boy and demanding, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?” 

He sounds so frightened that it only upsets the boys more, but Connor manages to explain, “Mumma isn’t here.” 

Connor immediately sees dad’s face relax. 

Scott had been terrified one of them had been hurt, and he scoops Noah up into his arms and hugs Connor to his chest while trying to console Peter at the same time. It’s a pretty rough task, but soon, Tessa’s in the doorway, demanding the way he just had, that crippling fear in her voice that something terrible has happened to one of her boys, “What’s wrong?” 

“They’re okay.” Scott says, as they boys rush over to her, Noah, clamouring for her to lift him into his arms. Peter relaxes now that Noah’s silent and Connor hugs his mother tightly. 

“Oh gosh.” Tessa sighs softly. 

She takes them all into bed with her, Scott included, and they lay together with the bedside light on, until they all calm down. 

“Listen guys.” Tessa says softly, stroking Noah’s hair as she speaks. “I’m okay. I’m very sorry for what happened, I’m sorry that you had to see me in the hospital, but I promise I am okay, and nothing bad is going to happen.” 

“How do you _know_?” Connor asks, and it surprises her. 

“Well…” She trails off. 

“Because you don’t want to spawn anymore.” Peter says. “Right? Because if you don’t spawn you can’t bleed and then you can’t be sad.” 

Tessa opens her mouth but can’t seem to find the words she needs. “I um…” 

Scott looks over at her. “We talked about this at the aquarium.” He tells her. “But Peter -“ Scott starts, before he’s interrupted by Noah. “What’s spawn?” 

“That means make babies.” Peter says, and Connor looks up at his mother. 

Tessa sighs. Maybe she hadn’t been clear enough the first time. 

“When mummies want to have babies, they make beds inside their bellies, kind of like waterbeds, or a bath.” The boys nod. 

“And you know how when you take a bubble bath you only need to add in a little bit of soap to make everything _really_ sudsy?” She tickles Noah’s belly as she emphasises the _really,_ and Scott’s in awe of her. 

Noah giggles slightly and the boys nod again. 

“Well,” Tessa says, “just like there’s a little soap in a bubble bath, there’s a little blood in the bed for the baby because it’s inside of mummy.” She rests a hand on her belly and Noah snuggles closer. 

“Because we have blood inside of us.” Peter states, and Tessa nods. “Exactly. So when mummy was bleeding it was the baby’s bed, not because I was cut or injured the way we bleed most of the time, this was different, does that make sense?” 

The boys are quiet a moment. “So you were only bleeding because of the baby.” Connor clarifies. 

Tessa tenses but nods. “Because of the baby’s bed.” She says. She doesn’t want them thinking the baby did something to her. 

“And now that the baby’s gone, that can’t happen?” 

Scott reaches over and squeezes Tessa’s shoulder as she nods, trying to keep herself composed. 

“But what if another baby gets in there?” Noah asks fearfully. 

Peter answers for Tessa, “Mum doesn’t want anymore babies. I heard her say to grandma on the phone and dad and I talked about it at the aquarium, right, dad?” Peter looks to his father who wants to sink into the floor as Tessa eyes him. 

“Yep.” Scott manages weakly. 

“Okay.” Tessa says softly. “So now that we all know what happened, do we feel a little better?” 

The boys nod. “Are you sure?” She asks. They nod again. 

“Are you sure you’re sure?” She asks, making them laugh, especially little Noah. 

Tessa and Scott get the kids back to bed, one by one, and settle back into their bed together. 

They lay in silence for a moment before Scott whispers. “I think we should talk.” 

“Not right now.” Is Tessa’s reply, her voice hoarse. Scott thinks if he could see her in the darkness, there might be tears in her eyes. 

“Tess?” He whispers. 

“Just… not now.” She says weakly, and turns, facing away from him. 

He’s learned that sometimes she needs space, sometimes she needs to deal with things her own way, sometimes she needs time, so he whispers, “Okay. I think you did a really good job. Goodnight. I love you.” 

He satisfies himself knowing that he’s told her that, knowing that she knows he loves her, and he leaves it at that, leaves her open to feel however she needs to, to deal with her emotions however she wants. 

And then another question pops into his mind, _where was she anyway? Why wasn’t she in bed?_

He sleeps fitfully that whole night, but each time he wakes, Tessa is there. She’s facing away from him, but she’s there. 

* * *

Scott tries to talk to her about it the next day while the kids are playing outside and she’s typing away on her laptop. 

“Where were you last night anyway?” He asks. “You just didn’t come to bed?” 

“I needed a little time.” She says quietly and Scott nods. “Of course.” He says. He thinks of just ending the conversation there but then adds, “I should have talked to you when Peter told me um… about that phone call.” 

Tessa looks up from her laptop as Scott leans against the doorway, coffee cup in hand. They’re in the living room, Tessa sat on the sofa, the kids darting around the yard in the window beside her. 

“I’m sorry he heard that.” Tessa says. “I’m going to talk to him about it.” 

Scott shrugs. “It is what it is.” He says, trying to be nonchalant but then going in the complete opposite direction. “Did you mean it?” 

“Did I mean…” She trails off, hoping for a way out of this, but Scott’s not about to let up. 

“Did you mean that you don’t want any more kids.” He clarifies. 

Tessa chews her lip. “I um…” She swallows hard. “We weren’t planning on any more kids.” She means their last pregnancy included. 

“Yeah but…” Scott clears his throat. “I mean we weren’t exactly being _careful_ , Tess. Isn’t there a part of you that just hoped?” 

“Maybe.” She says. “I don’t know.” 

“You don’t know?” He prods, and he thinks that maybe he shouldn’t but he can’t really help it.

“I don’t know.” She repeats. “I don’t know why you even want to talk about this right now.” 

“You don’t know why…” He furrows his brow. “Tessa, this is our life, I don’t know what you want me to do just never bring it up? You were _happy_ to be having another baby. You wanted to.” 

Tessa shakes her head just as they hear one of the kids come in.

“Scott, please don’t do this to me.” She says, her voice breaking. “I can’t do this. I can’t right now.” She shakes her head. 

“Mumma, I fell in the swamp.” Noah says, pushing past his father and holding his arms out, covered in mud, to his mother. 

“Oh, honey.” Tessa sighs, “Come on, come clean up.” Tessa sets her laptop down and brushes by Scott without even looking at him, glad for an escape from the conversation. 

Scott sighs, plops himself down on the sofa where Tessa had been sitting and kicks his feet up. Maybe he shouldn’t have brought it up at all, he’s not sure. 

Something catches his eye on Tessa’s laptop, though, as he’s debating his choices - an email. 

_Barbara,_

_I’m so incredibly humbled by your offer._

_Unfortunately, I don’t think now is the best time for me with everything going on with my family._

_I wish you and the IFGES_ the absolute best this coming year, and please 

She hadn’t finished the email. He’d interrupted her. 

He won’t snoop, not past reading what’s sitting right in front of him, but he does pull out his phone and google IFGES. He comes back with the International Federation for Girls’ Equality in Sport. His mouth goes dry. She hadn’t even mentioned this was a possibility for her. It sounds kind of perfect, like an incredible opportunity, like the exact kind of thing she’d been talking about mere weeks ago when she’d mentioned she’d wanted to go back to work. 

He knows she’s not going to be happy all of the time. Nobody ever is, it’s not even healthy to be that way, he thinks. But it seems like the happy moments for Tessa are harder and harder to come by since they’ve been home. He’s not sure if it’s the settling back into reality or if it’s feeling trapped at home, or the fact that, for some reason, she’s going to turn down this job, but he hates it and he feels like they should talk about it. 

He hopes that therapy will be a good time for it. 

* * *

They talk about the trip, recount those moments they had together, the ones where they’d felt so close. 

“I just felt like she really trusted me in that moment.” Scott says, to answer Lindsay’s question about what it had meant to him when she’d asked for his help. It’s funny speaking the emotions aloud, realising it might not have been as obvious to the other what they’d been feeling in that moment, but they both knew the mutual takeaway was positive. 

“And Tessa?” Lindsay asks. 

“I felt safe.” She says, “Understood.” 

Scott smiles gently at her words, though he knows it wasn’t until a few days later that he’d _fully_ understood. 

“And he took Peter to the aquarium one day, which I think meant a lot to both of them.” She says, and Scott can tell how proud Tessa is to share that news. It makes him happy. 

Lindsay looks to Scott. “Scott, how did you feel taking Peter to the aquarium?” 

“I really enjoyed it. I think I’m getting better at um… understanding what he needs.” Scott says. “We did have kind of an interesting conversation, though.” 

“Oh?” Lindsay inquires, and Tessa glances over at him. 

Scott chews his lip, debating on whether to share with Lindsay before he and Tessa have their own conversation about it. Despite how eager he is to bring it out into the open, he eventually decides not to. Tessa seems grateful.

Scott tells Lindsay about Tessa ending up in the hospital instead.

“That must have brought back an awful lot of memories for you.” Lindsay says to both of them. “Tessa, what were you thinking in that moment?” 

“I was mostly okay.” She says. “I mean… I knew I wasn’t _dying_ or anything, my foot didn’t really even hurt that badly.” 

Lindsay waits because that’s not quite what she was asking about and she thinks Tessa knows this. 

“… but it was hard not to think about the last time…” Tessa says, and Lindsay nods. “What did that feel like?” 

“I mean… I had Connor and Noah there, so I kept reminding myself of that, kept talking to them, trying to tell them it was okay, because they seemed scared… so I think I mostly focused on that… But then I had to call Scott and it was really hard to tell him.” Scott looks over at her and she quickly adds, “Not because I didn’t want to, I just didn’t want to worry you. I didn’t want to scare you.” 

“You thought Scott might be scared?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa nods. “I don’t know I just remember how worried he looked and how badly he felt for not being there and I didn’t want him to have to feel like that or even be reminded of feeling like that.” 

“Why not?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa swallows. “I don’t like it when he worries.” 

“Why not?” Lindsay asks the same question again and Scott furrows his brow as he listens. 

“I don’t like… I don’t like being the _reason_ he worries.” Tessa amends. 

Lindsay nods. “And forgive me for repeating myself.” She says, “But why not?” 

Tessa winces. “I don’t…” She shakes her head. “I feel like there are so many things on his plate all the time, I don’t want to add to it.” 

“Tess.” Scott says, but remembers it’s not his turn to speak. Tessa looks over to him. 

“You have something to say, Scott?” Lindsay asks. 

Scott nods and Tessa nods back, giving him permission. “I can’t help worrying about you.” He says. “When something’s wrong… of course I’m going to worry.” 

Tessa shakes her head. “I know that, I meant when nothing’s wrong.” 

Scott cocks his head and looks confused.

“Tessa, could you explain what you mean?” Lindsay asks. 

“I mean these past few months, like… there’s nothing _wrong_ with me, I’m just sad. So there’s really nothing to worry about and I feel badly that I still weigh on his mind that way, and… I feel badly that it’s the same for the boys as well. I don’t want them to feel worried. I’m really okay, I just had… I just had a hard time this past year but I’m still me.” 

“Scott, what do you think about what Tessa’s just said?” Lindsay asks. 

“I mean… Tess, there’s nothing wrong with being sad, but I still worry about it.” 

“Why?” Tessa asks, turning to Scott and looking at him intensely. “Why is it something to worry about?” 

Scott sputters. “Because you’re _sad._ ” He says. “I know we talked about this.” He says. “I know you’re not sad all of the time, but when you are, I still worry. I can’t help it.” 

“I guess it’s just that…” Tessa trails off and Scott waits. 

“What were you going to say, Tessa?” Lindsay asks. 

Tessa looks up at Lindsay. “I don’t know if I should.” She says, like she’s a child about to repeat a curse word. 

Lindsay looks to Scott and then back to Tessa. “I think it’s best to speak our feelings here.” Lindsay says. “It’s important to address things even when they’re hard to say because otherwise I think they just eat away at us.” 

Tessa looks over at Scott and then back at Lindsay and then down at her hands. “I don’t know why _you_ don’t feel sad.” She says finally in a quiet voice. 

Scott has the breath knocked out of him. “Tess.” He chokes. 

“I just… don’t understand why it’s so wrong of me to feel sad.” She says, her voice hoarse. “We lost our baby. And… and it seems like all you worry about is how _I’m_ sad about it… But I don’t understand why _you_ aren’t sad too. It just feels like… I mean… it was our _baby_ , Scott. Don’t you feel upset?” 

Scott feels his stomach flip. “Of _course_ I feel upset, Tessa. Of _course_ I do. I mean… I really don’t think you have any idea how excited I was to be having another baby.” 

“Then why don’t you ever talk about _that?_ ” She asks. “Why don’t you talk about it like you _lost_ that?” 

“Because I didn’t lose _you._ ” He says, his voice raising. “And I was so afraid of that - like even after it all happened, Tess, seeing you like that was the worst thing… _literally_ the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. I - there was nothing I could do. You didn’t want anything, you wouldn’t eat, drink, would hardly say a word to me. You didn’t want anything from me at all. It was like… like I was watching you slowly die from the inside out and there was nothing I could do to help, I just had to watch it… So I guess… I guess I kind of felt lucky in some twisted way that _you_ were still here, that _you_ could get better. That I didn’t lose _you_. Seeing you bleeding like that and looking at me like that… I’d never seen you so scared, Tess, it was terrifying and there was nothing I could do."

Lindsay turns to Tessa. “What are you thinking about all this?” 

“I didn’t know I scared you that much.” She says. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s not your fault. Of course it’s not your fault, Tess.” Scott says to her. 

I… I don’t know I guess it kind of felt like you were part of it with me.” She says. “So maybe I didn’t realise that you’d experienced the loss differently. I guess I get upset sometimes that the boys are so worried about me, and that’s Scott’s so worried about me, and just that… I feel like I’m being such an inconvenience and such a burden and I can’t always help it. I can’t always hide when I’m sad and I feel like it’s unfair that it’s always _me_ that’s the sad one when we _both_ lost something.” She says.

Scott sighs. _In the name of honesty,_ he thinks. “I know this is fucked up, T, but it’s really hard for me those first few months. I know it doesn’t compare to like morning sickness and swollen ankles and just like growing a person in general, so I know it’s probably not fair to say but I don’t get to feel things the way you do, like… they’re living _inside_ of you… I’m just here like… and I - I don’t know. I was really excited, but it’s hard to feel that connection that you do right away because it just isn’t as tangible for me. I don’t carry them inside of me. But _you -_ you’re here and I can touch you and hold you and _feel_ you, and I can see the way you hurt, and that part _is_ tangible. So I guess maybe that’s why I don’t um… I don’t know… _feel_ as much as you do about the baby.” He says, tears in his eyes. “I want to. But I don’t. And I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks. “I just want to make you happy. And not all the time. I know that. I just mean with the big things, like, if you want something, I don’t want you to write it off just because you’re feeling sad or… I don’t know that’s the only reason I brought up having another baby.” He says, like he’s ashamed of it now. “I just thought maybe in the future and… it was a stupid thing to bring up but I thought we should talk about it… I don’t know, I thought it might help, maybe, like… because you wanted a baby. Or it seems like you did because you were so sad about not…” He swallows hard. “About not having one. So I thought if maybe… If maybe you wanted-” 

“I wanted _that_ baby, Scott. I wanted _our_ baby that was living inside of me. I wanted _that baby.”_ Se cuts him off and Scott nods. “I know. I know, I understand now. I’m sorry I didn’t before.” Scott’s on the verge of tears at hearing the intensity in Tessa’s voice and for feeling like he’s missed such a huge piece of the puzzle. “I don’t know. It was stupid, I get that now. I’m so sorry, Tessa.” He says, voice quivering.

Tessa’s quiet for a moment before she says, her voice significantly softer, “It wasn’t stupid.” 

Scott looks up at her and Tessa feels her heart pulling in a million different directions. She can’t stand seeing Scott so upset. Maybe, she wonders, this is how he feels about her. She thinks maybe she can understand that too. She moves closer to him. “Scott.” She says softly, placing a hand on his, squeezing his fingers until he opens them for her and they slot together like they’ve been doing their whole lives. “I’m sorry I expected you to grieve the way I do. That was wrong of me.” 

A tear slips from his eye and Tessa leans forward and kisses it from his cheek. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Tess.” He says. “I just want to give you everything you need.” 

“You do.” She assures him. “I promise.” 

“I’m not good at the space thing.” He says, and a smile tugs at Tessa’s lips. “You’re getting better.” She says. “I think the boys could use some pointers.”

He laughs through his tears and strokes a thumb across the back of her hand. “I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do, T.” He tells her. “And I don’t want to rush you, I guess I just need you to know that I’m here and that I’m following your lead and I’m really sorry I can’t always relate to the way you feel about um… losing the baby.” 

Tessa shakes her head. “I shouldn’t have expected that.” 

“Well, I’m still sorry. But even if I can’t feel exactly the way you do, it still hurts me. And I’m still here if you want to talk about it. I’m still upset it happened, Tessa. That was our baby. I know that, that’s not lost on me, okay?” 

Tessa nods, remembering how badly he’d needed to talk to someone about it when it had happened and tears well up in her eyes. “Thank you.” She says. She’s hadn’t realised it had been weighing on her so heavily, but it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off her shoulders after finally getting all of that out in the open. 

Scott pulls her into a hug and Tessa presses her eyes shut tightly, trying her best not to cry as Scott runs a hand over her back. They hold one another there for what seems like a long time before pulling apart. 

Lindsay clears her throat and the two of them look to her. They’d been so caught up in emotion that they’d completely forgotten where they were. 

“Oh.” Tessa says softly, blinking rapidly as she drops her gaze to her hands. “I’m sorry.” She says.

“No, please.” Lindsay says, smiling softly. “That’s what we’re here for. I think you two basically just did the job for me. Everyone grieves on a spectrum.” 

They laugh. 

When Scott and Tessa leave Lindsay’s office that day, they embrace in the hallway as they’d done before. Scott presses Tessa up against the wall and buries his face into her neck, Tessa’s hands knotting in his hair. 

She just needs to hold onto something, to him, just for a second because she feels like everything around her is moving so quickly. It was just last week that she’d come to the conclusion that her baby would always be with her, and she’d really thought that was going to solve her problems, but this had been weighing her down in ways she hadn’t even known, and now she feels so light she thinks she might float away. 

“Scott.” She whispers softly, her voice shaky. 

“I got you.” He says. 

She nods. “I feel so happy right now.” She confesses. A week ago she’d feel guilty for that, but not now. Now she knows it’s not wrong. 

“Do you?” He asks, pulling back and leaning his forehead against hers. 

She nods. “I don’t know I just feel… good.” 

A smile spreads across Scott’s face and he nods. “Me too.” He says. 

“I don’t know if I’ll want another baby.” She says, her face getting serious. 

“That’s okay.” Scott says, a hand running across her back. “You don’t have to know. We don’t have to know now.” 

* * *

Tessa’s laying on the sofa after the boys are in bed. Scott’s upstairs, probably also in bed. He hasn’t bothered her, has left her completely to herself. She thinks about the boys and how she wants to talk to them again about how worried they’d been, she just couldn’t find the strength to do it that same day after going through so much emotional baggage already in therapy. So now she stares at the email she’s been trying to send for three days. She doesn’t want to send it. She wants the job. She just wasn’t sure she should take it with the boys being as worried as they are and with Scott - she wasn’t sure the travel involved would be fair to him. But now she thinks maybe she should talk to him about it because who better to talk to than the man who’s willing to work so hard to understand her? 

So she takes her laptop and makes her way up to their room where Scott’s laying in bed reading one of the books on Autism she’d gotten. She watches how focused his is on it and smiles to herself. She admires the way he looks there, his strong arms bent, firm fingers holding the pages steady, his hair still damp from the shower. 

She knocks quietly on the door and he turns to her and smiles. “Knocking on your own door?” He asks, motioning for her. “Get in here, weirdo.” 

She laughs and closes the door behind her. “Can I talk to you?” She asks, settling on the edge of the bed. 

The way his face lights up makes her heart soar. “Of course.” He says, marking his place in the book and setting it down, giving her his full attention. 

“I was offered a position for this organisation.” She says, “For girls in sport.” She watches his smile fade “Tess.” He breathes, and then he looks guilty. “Can I tell you something first?” 

Tessa eyes him nervously and nods. 

“I saw the email you were writing the other day when you left your laptop downstairs… I wasn’t looking on purpose it was just there. I didn’t touch it but…” 

“You saw it?” She asks. 

He nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything, I just wasn’t sure if I should and I-“ 

“Scott.” She interrupts him, a small smile on her face. “It’s okay.” 

He relaxes and then feels an incredible happiness that she’s told him on her own. 

“I didn’t mean to look.” He says and she laughs. “It’s alright.” 

He reaches out and wraps a hand around her ankle. She looks down at where they’re joined and smiles. 

“Why don’t you want it, honey?” He asks. 

She looks up at him. “I… I do.” She tells him, and he looks confused. “I’m just worried it’s not a good time with Peter or… I mean any of the boys, really, and you - I don’t want to leave you with everything when I have to travel, I-“ 

“Tess.” It’s his turn to interrupt her. “Tess, Tessa.” 

She quiets and looks at him. 

“I promise you we can figure it out. I promise you I can handle it and I promise you the boys will be just fine. I _promise_.” 

Tessa looks skeptical and Scott chuckles. “You don’t think I can handle it, do you?” 

A small smile starts on her lips. 

“You don’t, eh?” 

“I never said that.” She says, holding back a laugh. He’s joking and she honestly finds it entertaining. 

He lunges for her and pulls her into his arms, making her giggle as she settles against his chest and lets him press his lips to her forehead. “It’s up to you.” He tells her. “You can do whatever you want, Tess. But don’t tell yourself you can’t because of us, okay? We’re going to be fine. We’ve made it work before. I know we’ll figure it out again.” 

It’s so vague and Tessa normally needs more concrete reassurances, but for some reason she really believes Scott and it excites her, this feeling that she’s going to do _more._ She doesn’t feel guilty about it either, wanting more. She’s learned that being a mum isn’t her whole identity, and yet, nothing she does ever detracts from that either. She’s just as much a mum working as she is at home, just like she’s just as much a mum to her babies that are _here_ as she is to the one that isn’t. And having Scott around to support her means a lot. Talking to him, feeling like she _can_ talk to him, means a lot. 

“Think about it tonight, how about that?” Scott offers. “And you can get back to them in the morning.” 

Tessa smiles softly and nods, her hand on his chest. 

He presses a long kiss to her forehead. “I’m so proud of you, Tess.” He tells her. “Really, so proud.” 

She lets out a breath and looks up at him just a moment before pressing her lips to his. She wants to be close to him so desperately all of a sudden. With the way they’ve been so raw and honest today she’s feeling closer to him than she has in a long time, and speaking in such a real way, addressing what, for her, has been a very annoying elephant in the room, has helped her in a way she hadn’t even known she’d needed. And Scott feels that relief too. He hadn’t known it either but he had felt guilty for not grieving as intensely as Tessa, but telling her and having her understand feels liberating. And having her come to him to talk about this is the icing on the cake. They haven’t lost the progress they’d made while they were away, they’d just needed to chip at the marble a bit more to perfect what they’re building. He knows they aren’t done with their masterpiece, and that’s alright, because with Tessa, the work is always worth it. 


	9. Chapter 9

Tessa takes the job. She takes it because she wants to and she thinks it’ll be good for her and her boys. She wants them to see their mother working, thinks it’ll be good for them. And she thinks she can really make a difference, which has her excited. 

She can feel the change inside of her that week, she can feel the way she’s snapping the buttons of herself back up, returning to her old self. It’s not that she’d needed work to be able to do it, but a deadline forces her to move a little faster and she thinks maybe there’s nothing wrong with that every so often. 

Scott gives her her space still, the boys are feeling better, though she does still have to talk to them about going away. She’s leaving for Montreal at the end of the week and she has to get everything in line before then. It’s only a two day trip, only really to introduce her to the other women she’ll be working with, so she doesn’t really have to have anything prepared, but she’s still excited for it. And she’s still nervous as well. 

She talks to the boys one night and tells them, _mummy has to go on a trip soon for a new job that’s going to help little girls feel better about their bodies and play sports just like you._ They blink up at her and seem to understand, but that night, Noah climbs in her lap. “Mumma. Tell me about babies.” He says. And it’s not a question and she knows exactly why he’s asking. She looks up at Scott who raises his brow. 

Tessa holds her little boy and nods. “What do you want to know?” 

“Tell me how it happens.” He says, and she smiles and hugs him tightly. “Mummies and daddies work together to make babies.” She says. “You know that part.” Noah nods. “But how does the baby get inside?” He presses his hand on her stomach. 

“The daddy puts something like a little seed, called sperm, inside of the mummy, where it meets an egg, and together, they grow a baby inside of mummy.” 

Noah thinks about this and then looks over at his father, narrowing his eyes. Scott does his best to keep a neutral expression as the boy gives him a look that seems to say, _watch it, buddy._

Tessa bites her lip. “Hey, mister.” She says, refocusing him. “Mummy and daddy work _together_ to make babies.” 

“No more though.” Noah says firmly. 

“Honey.” Tessa smoothes his hair back. “I know you feel nervous about what happened before, but look, I’m here, right? I’m safe and I’m happy and I’m with you. And guess what?” 

Noah waits. 

“If mummies never had babies then none of us would be here right? We were all babies in our mummies bellies at one point.” 

Noah’s too busy staring up at his mother to notice his father behind him, gesturing as if to say _mind blown_ , but it makes Tessa smile. 

“I can’t promise you I’ll never get hurt.” She tells the little boy looking up at her. “But I do promise that I’ll do my best to be safe and make good decisions, just like you talked about in school the other day, right?” Noah nods. “And no matter what I’m going to be with you okay? Because you’re a part of me, so you have little pieces of me in you. Did you know that?” It’s a funny way to describe genes, but Tessa thinks it might help. 

Noah shakes his head and Tessa nods. “Yep. So no matter what, we’re always going to be together, okay? And I’m going to call you every single day because I know I’m going to miss you soooo much.” She pulls him into a tight hug that he’s so eager to reciprocate it nearly brings tears to her eyes. 

Scott smiles and she hopes he doesn’t feel badly about the situation. The boys have been making such a fuss about her leaving and Scott’s been trying so hard to plan things for them so they’ll have fun while she’s away. 

“But you and your brother are going to have so much fun with daddy.” She says, excitedly, and Noah looks over to his father, who nods. “I promise we’re going to have a good time, No, and mummy will be back before you know it.”

Noah nods, satisfied. 

* * *

That night, Scott’s watching her from his spot in bed as she tries to sort through the clothes she’s dragged out of her closet to find what she wants to bring.

He smiles at the way she manages to fret over _socks_ , and then laughs when she holds up two different bras, trying to pick which one she prefers. 

She turns to him when she hears his laughter. 

“You meeting someone I don’t know about?” He asks, smiling playfully. 

She smiles back and shrugs. “Maybe.” She says. “Do you think he’d prefer pink or black?” She holds the bras out toward him. They’re both part of sets he’s picked out for her at one point or another over the years. 

“Hmm….” He thinks. “You’d look beautiful in both.” He says. “And if he disagrees then he’s a fucking idiot not only because you’d look beautiful in anything but also because whoever picked those out clearly has impeccable taste.” 

Tessa laughs which makes Scott beam. 

She comes closer, kneels at the foot of the bed, his feet under the blanket in front of her and holds the bras up to her chest over her pyjama shirt. “Which do you like, really?” She asks, watching as his brow raises at the question. “I like both.” He says, grinning. “Or don’t you remember?” 

She flushes slightly as she thinks back on wearing them for him with the rest of her lingerie. She didn’t do it often but she did like knowing he’d picked things out specifically for her and she’d always liked the anticipation of seeing his face when he undressed her, knowing that she was wearing something he’d chosen for her. 

“You want me to pick for you?” He asks. 

Tessa nods.

“Hmm…” He hums again and then looks up at her sweetly. “I really think both look good.” Tessa sighs, because sometimes he’s too sweet. So she drops the bras on the bed, and pulls her shirt off, revealing her bare chest. 

“Oh.” Scott says quietly, blinking at her and trying not to focus on her breasts. She revels in the attention. It hadn’t been planned, but it feels really nice. It’s been a long time since she’s been looked at that way - since she’s allowed herself to be looked at that way. She doesn’t count the time in the shower, this is explicitly sexual, that was decidedly not. And she’d wanted it that way. But now she thinks, she wants it this way. She takes her time, a sly smile on her face because he looks so effortful, like he’s trying really hard to seem professional or something. She’s kind of entertained by it. She puts on the black bra on first, looks at him, takes it off and replaces it with pink. 

“Please pick one.” She says in a whisper. 

“Pink.” He says immediately, voice slightly hoarse. 

She nods, satisfied.

“Why’d you want me to pick?” He asks, still looking at her that _way._ She’s really enjoying the attention, crawls up his body on all fours and straddles his waist. His hands go instinctively to her hips to hold her there. She has her little navy satin pyjama shorts on, but he focuses on her face, trying to read her. 

“I feel like it’s kind of like a secret way to have you with me.” She says quietly and watches the way his eyes go dark.

“Oh yeah?” He asks. 

She bites her lip and nods, can all but feel how happy hearing that has made him. 

“Plus I like…” She trails off, feeling kind of self-conscious saying it. 

“What do you like?” He asks, voice low. 

“I like knowing you’d like it… what I’m wearing.” 

“I like everything you wear, Tess.” He says, his thumbs caressing her sides where his hands are warm on her. 

She presses down on his chest. “Yeah, but I like when you pick sometimes.” She says. 

He smiles softly and presses himself up into a sitting position so he can lean his head toward her and kiss the skin under her collarbone. It’s sweet and gentle, and he works his way slowly up her neck, one hand braced behind him, the other on her hip. 

She leans slightly to the side, opens herself for him, and his lips continue up to her jaw and then finally fall against her own lips, where she immediately parts them for him, longing to taste him. 

“I’m gonna miss you.” He manages to say into her mouth, and she grips the sleeves of his t-shirt tightly and presses her lips back to his more intensely. 

She can feel how reluctant he is to move his hands, knows he’s itching to touch her like he used to, and she thinks she wants him to… She’s not sure. She’s going to miss him too and she feels some urgency to connect with him in some deep way before she leaves for some reason. She’s just thinking of the way she felt with him while they were away, feels like if she doesn’t try to progress, she’ll _regress,_ and lose that feeling. And she also feels badly that she’s going to be leaving him alone with the boys and there are just a lot of feelings tangled up in her mind that she’s letting muddle her thoughts at the moment. She likes his attention, she likes his touch, she always has, but she’s still upset at her body, still a little anxious, still feels a little unprepared.

But her body betrays her mind sometimes and she moans softly and rolls her hips when he drops his lips to that spot under her ear. She feels the way his body tenses when he hears it and _feels_ it, how he swallows hard and exhales shakily, and then she feels him stir between her legs. It’s been a long time since she’s felt him that way and she can tell how hard he’s resisting it. It’s been a very long time since they’ve been together. She’d been thinking about it, but feeling so _real_ in the moment sends a bolt of anxiety through her and she swings her legs off of him, moving to his side. He seems to realise why immediately and she sees the hurt and sorrow in his eyes. 

“Sorry.” He chokes and then coughs. “Tess, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t think - I wasn’t going to -“ 

She settles on her side next to him and quiets him with a hand in his hair. “Don’t be sorry.” She says, and presses her lips to his sweetly. 

His breath is shaky and he tries to reach for her but she quickly gets up off the bed. “Pink, then.” She says, grabbing her pyjama shirt and slipping it back on over the bra. 

“Tess, I didn’t mean to-“ 

“I know.” She says, and turns to the pile of clothes. 

“Tess,” He sounds scared. “I would never-“ 

“I _know_.” She repeats and finds it in herself to turn to him and force a smile. “It’s okay.” 

But when she walks into her closet and she’s sure he can’t see her, she clasps a hand over her mouth and cries. Not a lot, but the tears are heavy and hot and intense. She wants him, she wants him _so_ much, but she can’t do it for some reason. She’s still upset with her body, still feels like she doesn’t deserve to feel good the way she used to. 

* * *

She thinks it’s probably not the greatest, what she does to him over the course of the next week, but she wants to push it. She’s mad at herself for feeling this way and she’s completely torn because while she’s still mad at herself, she recognises how it’s impacting Scott. It’s not fair to him. So she presses against him when she’s fresh out of the shower and he’s in there brushing his teeth. She lets her towel fall away, watches as his eyes focus on her in the mirror, how they grow dark the way they do, she watches how his hips stiffen when she lowers her hands to the front of his thighs. But when he spits his toothpaste out and turns around for her she chickens out, ducks down and wraps herself back up in her towel, pressing a chaste kiss to his lips and leaving him there confused. 

She does it again in the morning, slips a leg through his and rocks her hips gently. He’s still half asleep but he kisses her like he’s not, like he’s been waiting for her and it makes her feel awful because she already kind of knows she’s not going to be able to push this much further. But she tries - she grabs his hand and sets it on her ass and sighs, hot breath in his ear when he squeezes her. But then she feels the way he gets hard and it makes her feel guilty all over again, and she extracts herself from his arms and tells him she’ll make breakfast. It’s the least she can do. 

They’re sitting in bed one evening, just two days before she leaves. The kids are already asleep, and Tessa’s legs are draped over Scott’s thighs. He’s got an arm around her, holding her close, his cheek nearly pressed to her temple. For all the ways she’s been teasing him, she thinks he’s just gotten more tender. It’s funny and so very Scott, and even though she feels guilty, she knows that he doesn’t hold it against her.

She presses a hand to his chest and angles her head slightly so she can kiss him behind the ear, works her way down, across his jaw, her hands trailing down his chest and then her nails raking down his arms because she likes the way they feel. She moves them down to the hem of his shirt and pulls it up and off him, unable to look him in the eye. She hears his breath hitch as she presses her lips to his collarbone, sucks on his skin, feels his hands in her hair, brushing it to the side so he can see her face. She keeps her eyes closed, can’t handle looking at him, because she knows how much desire she’ll see there and it’ll only make her feel even worse when this inevitably ends with her leaving him high and dry. She thinks he must be expecting it at this point, must have caught on to the way she’s trying to test the waters. He hasn’t said anything and wonders if he knows how grateful she is for that. She thinks he probably does. His hand splays on her back and she feels a new resolve. She needs to try _harder_. He’s doing _everything,_ and she just keeps wimping out. It’s not fair. She needs to try _harder_. So she does. She straddles him again, her lips locking against his, sucking on his bottom lip so he can’t say anything, so he can’t ask her if she’s _sure_ when she rolls her hips against him, when she seizes his wrist and brings his hand to her breast, when she prompts him to massage her there and moans into his mouth, and feels him grow hard beneath her. But he touches her so gently, his hand on her breast, even, like he’s going to break her and it makes her feel fragile, broken. And she’s been trying so hard not to feel that way, but once the thought presents itself, it’s hard to kill. And then, while she rocks herself against him, trying her best to stay focused, she feels the burning behind her eyes, feels the gasp bubble up in her throat, and she pushes herself off of him before he has to see or hear them. 

“Sorry.” She manages, holding her tears back. 

“No, no, Tess, it’s my fault, I’m sorry.” She hears him say vaguely, but all she can think about is needing space. “I need a walk.” She tells him and knows he won’t contest. She’s been taking a lot of them this past year. 

She rushes from the room, blocking out the way he’s apologising still and gathering her things quickly, her coat, shoes. She opens the front door and stares out into the night.

_No._ She thinks to herself. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Scott _wants_ to talk about this. They should talk about this. The whole reason they’re in therapy is because they haven’t been communicating effectively so this would be a step, she thinks, in the right direction. She owes this to him. She’s not going to solve anything if she keeps running away from her problems. She knows full well that this walk will be all about scolding herself. How stupid she’s being, how selfish, how awful. She’s not going to make any progress that way. 

She closes the door, slips her shoes off, hangs up her coat and pads back upstairs, opening the door to their room. But the bed is empty. 

She hears Scott curse from the bathroom and opens the door. He’s in the shower. 

“Scott.” She says, over the sound of the water. 

“Tess. I thought you were going for a walk.” He says, hoarsely, and she can hear the emotion in his voice, how hard he’s trying to restrain it.

“I changed my mind.” She says. “Can I come in?” 

“In the shower?” He asks. 

“Yeah.” She says softly. “Can I?” 

She hears him sigh. “I’m…I’m sorry, baby, I need a minute.” He says. 

Tessa swallows hard. “I want to see you.” She says, because she knows that’s why he needs time, because he doesn’t want her to see him. Because he thinks she doesn’t want to see him this way. 

His whole body tenses. “Tess, I don’t know if you… I’m…” He sighs frustratedly.

“No, I know.” She says. “I want to. Please.” 

“Okay.” He says softly. He’s silent while she quickly strips herself down to nothing, climbs into the shower. 

He faces away from her, his shoulders sagged. “I’m sorry, Tess.” He says, like he’s let her down or something. 

“Shh.” She says, wrapping her arms around him from behind, turning her face to rest her cheek on his shoulder blade. “Shh.” She repeats, her hands falling lower, one holding his hip while the other finds his cock, still hard. 

“I-“ His voice sounds shattered, wrecked. “Tess-“ 

“It’s okay.” She assures him. “I want this.” And she does want this. She wants him to feel good more than anything. She wants him to know that it’s nothing to do with him, it’s nothing he is or isn’t doing. 

She strokes him steadily, listening to his breath, the way it gets heavier, rumbling in his throat. His hand clasps the wrist of the hand she still has on his hip, holding tightly. 

“It’s okay.” She tells him.

It’s different, being the one touching as opposed to the one touched. She doesn’t feel anxious about it, only thinks about his pleasure, and she’s sorry it took her so long to get to this point. She thinks maybe this is what she needs to do as a first step, as the beginning of finding her way back to him, back to herself. 

It’s so nice to touch him like this, to hear the way she’s making him feel, to feel close that way again.

It doesn’t take much, nearly a year without her touch has keyed him up immeasurably and just the sight and the feel of her hand wrapped around him is enough to send him over the edge, shuddering and whimpering, a hand braced on the wet shower wall. 

With his breath ragged, she pulls on his shoulder, turns him to face her and embraces him under the shower stream, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, running her fingers through his soaking hair. 

“I’m sorry.” He says again, voice thick. “Tessa, I’m sorry.” 

She turns her head and kisses his temple. “I’m not.” She says. “I want this so much, Scott.” 

He looks up at her with those big, sad, dark eyes and presses his forehead to hers. She know him too well, knows he feels like he’s failed her somehow. She runs her fingers over his cheek. “I love you.” She says to him. 

He wraps his arms around her tighter and buries his face in the crook of her neck. “Talk to me.” He begs her. “Will you please? Talk to me?” 

She scrapes her nails over his scalp and nods. “I will.” She says. 

They take their time washing one another because they might as well if they’re already soaked, and they enjoy the other’s touch. 

It’s comforting and she thinks Scott needs it just as much as she does in this moment. 

In his mind it’s the fact that his wife _wants_ to touch him again that’s making him emotional. It had been so long and he’d pushed those thoughts and feelings so far back into his subconscious that he’d kind of forgotten how locked away they’d been. He’d been so scared of losing her and then just thankful that he hadn’t and the past few months had been fighting tooth and nail just to find his place now with regards to what she needed that it was so _good_ to feel her touch him that way again, so _normal._

And when they curl back up in bed, Tessa resting her head on Scott’s chest, his hand running across her back, she tells him her thoughts. “I’ve tried um… touching myself.” She says softly. “But I can’t… I don’t feel… It doesn’t feel like it used to.” 

She feels Scott’s warm breath as he exhales nervously. “Why do you think it’s different?” 

Tessa shakes her head, thinks maybe they should be having this conversation in therapy, but tries her best anyway, “I’m mad.” She says. “I’m angry at my body.” 

“But Tess,” He starts but she cuts him off. 

“I know.” She says softly, almost in a whisper. She’s thought about it, she knows it’s not her fault, she knows there’s nothing she could have done differently, that her body hadn’t purposefully betrayed her, them, their child, but she still can’t help but feel mad at it. 

“It’s just hard.” She says. 

And Scott nods, lets out a slow, quiet breath. “Okay.” He says, accepting her answer, which she appreciates. “But what do we do about it?” 

She smiles sadly and looks up at him. “I don’t know.” She admits. Nothing she’s tried has worked. 

Scott furrows his brow, looks at her intently. “Is it the whole time?” He asks, “Like, you hate it the whole time?” 

She laughs softly and shakes her head. “No.” She says. 

“Does it feel okay when you start?” 

She nods. 

“What changes then?” He asks. “Like, when does it stop feeling good?” 

She curls a hand into a fist on his chest. “I guess when I feel like um… like when I could see it eventually leading to…” She trails off. 

“Sex?” He asks. 

She shakes her head. “No. I um… don’t like the thought of _coming_.” She says softly. “I just feel like I don’t deserve it.” 

“Tess.” He breathes. 

“I know.” She says, shaking her head. “I know it’s stupid."  
“No.” He says immediately. “It’s not stupid.” He runs a warm hand up and down her arm. He doesn’t think it’s stupid at all, if that’s how she feels, then that’s how she feels. He’s never, ever thought her feelings were stupid. He doesn’t think any feeling can be stupid. He just has absolutely no idea how to handle this. 

“I want to try.” She says. “I want to keep trying for-“ She cuts herself off because she knows she shouldn’t say it, but Scott catches her. 

“Don’t do anything for me.” He says firmly, looking at her seriously now. “Please, Tess. I couldn’t handle that.” He shakes his head. The thought of it, her _pushing_ herself, _pressuring_ herself to have sex with him disgusts him. He can’t stand the thought of it, it would make him feel absolutely vile to know she’d felt the need to do that.

“No it’s not like that, Scott.” She says, seeing the fear in his eyes. 

“In the shower-“ He says hoarsely. 

“I wanted to.” She’s quick to say it. “I want to touch you. I want to make you feel good. It makes me feel…” She sighs. “I still feel good, Scott.” She says. “When I touch you it still makes me feel like I want you. And when you touch me… I really like it.” 

“But you don’t want to feel that way.” He says. 

She shakes her head. “I do, but it’s hard and I don’t know why. And I don’t know how to fix it.” 

“Do you think if I were here while you um… touch yourself?” He suggests, trying to think of anything that could be helpful. “Maybe I could help like, take your mind off of it? Just… not so that you’re not thinking about anything but maybe so that you feel more comfortable or… I don’t know just to remind you that you deserve it.” He presses forward and nuzzles her nose. “Because you do deserve it.” He says softly. “You deserve to feel good Tess.” He kisses her cheek and she shuts her eyes because for some reason it’s hard to hear. “I want you to feel good.” He kisses that same spot and then the equivalent spot on her other cheek. 

She bites her lip and nods, “Okay.” She says softly, and opens her eyes to find his. “Okay.” 

“Okay.” He says, smiling now. 

Tessa lays back on the pillow, and Scott props himself up on his elbow, his hand cradling her cheek. “Now?” He asks.

“Oh.” She says, flushing. “Sorry, I thought-“ 

“No, no. No, I - if you want to try now… Tess.” He laughs slightly. “Tess, I’m always available for that, you know me. I just didn’t want you to force it if that wasn’t what you wanted.” 

She smiles softly and nods, laughing to herself. “I want to.” She assures him. And she does. She wants to try so hard for him, but also because deep down she knows she deserves this, knows she deserves to feel good and knows they both deserve to connect with each other the way they used to, the way she knows they both miss desperately. 

So she dips a hand under the covers and into her underwear, reaching out with her other to hold Scott’s arm. He settles down beside her, an arm snaking under her neck to bring her closer, so she can rest her head on his shoulder. He presses his nose to her cheek, his eyes closed. “I’m here.” He tells her. 

It’s the strangest thing, touching herself with him there for… support. She thinks Scott of yore’s head would explode if he could see himself now and the thought makes her chuckle slightly. 

Scott opens his eyes, watches her laugh and it brings a smile to his face. “What’s so funny?” He asks. 

“This.” She says simply, and watches his grin grow. 

“Life is weird.” Is his response, with another kiss to her cheek.

And she agrees internally as she draws a finger over her clit for what feels like the hundredth time. But this time she feels something inside her and it’s nice. It’s that low, flickering warmth in her abdomen that she’d felt with him a little while ago, and though pleasant, it frightens her. She sighs and closes her eyes, trying to push through it.   
The smile fades from Scott’s face and he presses his lips to her ear. “That’s it, Tess.” He whispers to her. “It’s okay, honey.” 

She bites her lip as she continues, moving slowly, challenging her fear. She’s not really sure what she thinks is going to happen if she allows herself over the edge. Maybe just immense guilt. Feeling like she’s forgetting about her child by allowing herself to feel good again. But then she thinks back to their time away and how she’d challenged similar thoughts about feeling happy again. Feeling happy didn’t discount her sadness, didn’t take away from the grief she felt at losing her child, didn’t mean she was forgetting about her baby. She could never forget, would never forget. 

_It’s okay._ She says to herself. _You deserve this. You’re not losing anything._

And then she opens her eyes and realises that it’s Scott saying those things to her, his lips on her ear, a hand holding her shoulder, another on her cheek. 

It’s a lot and she feels overwhelmed and tears sting her eyes that he understands her so easily when they talk. She grabs at Scott’s arm with her free hand and he holds her tighter. “I’m here.” He assures her. “Right here, right here.” He kisses her cheek but she turns her face to his and captures his lips instead, kissing him unabashedly, moaning softly as she feels herself reach her peak. She could pull away, and she knows that Scott would hold her and kiss her and tell her everything’s okay. She knows he’d do that either way. But she _wants_ this now. When she pulls her lips from his with a gasp she feels him tense beside her. 

“Does it feel good?” He asks lowly, and it reminds her of the way he used to talk to her and makes her shiver. She nods. 

“Good.” He says. “I love watching you.” He tells her, just casually, not like he’s completely turned on or anything, but not like he’s totally detached either, just like he’s really present with her, really _here_ with her. “You’re beautiful.” He tells her, fingers stroking across her temple. He’s just with her, willing to play whatever part she needs him to. 

She loves him and she loves his voice, the low quality it adopts when he’s speaking to her for this reason. It’s usually more sensual and she knows he’s concerned about pressuring her into things so he’s explicitly trying not to be that way, but it still does it for her, how focused he is, how she’s the only thing he cares about at this moment, how he’s completely and totally _hers_ he is _,_ and how he’s offering himself that way freely. 

And it relaxes her and turns her on and makes her want him.

It’s been nearly a year without that feeling and it’s not _everything,_ of course, because as she knows so well now, intimacy is more than just sex. But this is also so much more than sex. To have him here with her, talking her through this, is incredibly intimate, and she can tell he feels that way too just from the look on his face.

So she finally allows herself to crest that peak and flow gently, softly, into her orgasm, gasping for breath against Scott’s lips, not wanting to pull away. He pulls her against him, cradling her head, whispering into her hair, _I’m here, I’ve got you. Everything’s okay, T. That’s it. Let go. That’s it. You’re so perfect._

And then he’s kissing her face and she realises she’s crying because it feels like such a release, in every sense she can think of, but truthfully more emotionally than physically. She feels like she’s cracked her chest open and allowed all the fear and sadness and anger inside to flow out of her and it’s like she’s taking her very first breath since they’ve burrowed themselves inside of her. 

She presses her face into his chest and breathes in his scent, both of her hands now in fists, clutching his shirt. 

“I got you.” He tells her again, and she’s never felt otherwise, but it’s nice to hear him say it, and she’s endlessly glad to have him here, understanding her fears, supporting her through them. It’s what they’ve done their whole lives. This is just… well, _slightly_ different than the Olympics. But she feels like the effort is still monumental. She’s proud of herself and she feels kind of liberated and free and she lifts her head up and kisses him hard and deep and feels the way it makes him smile and hold her tighter. 

“Thank you.” She says as she pulls away. Scott shakes his head. “That was beautiful, Tess.” He says, huffing slightly, out of breath from it all. “You’re so beautiful.” 

She flushes, feeling vulnerable suddenly, but Scott acts like it hadn’t been strange at all, holding her, kissing her, whispering sweetly to her while she touched herself. It’s like he was _prepared_ for this, the way he’s so good at making her feel comfortable. And she thinks to herself that maybe if she’d just talked to him sooner she’d wouldn’t have felt so trapped.

“Thank you for trusting me.” He says suddenly, and Tessa shakes her head. “It wasn’t that I didn’t trust you.” She says firmly. “I-“ She doesn’t know how to explain it. 

“Tess, I know.” He says. “You just needed time to use it.” 

And she’s quiet. _She’d just needed time to use it._ She’d just needed time to figure out how to _use_ all that trust they have. It’s true and it explains so much. 

Scott sees the way it makes her think and smiles warmly. “Maybe I should be a therapist, eh?” 

Tessa laughs, and Scott kisses the top of her head, loosens his grip on her so she can relax. She falls asleep quickly against him and rests peacefully. 

* * *

The next day, Scott doesn’t mention anything that happened that night. She kind of expects him to, but he doesn’t. It puzzles her but then she realises that he’s not under the impression that that means anything more than what it had - that she’d had that one moment of ecstasy - on her own, and had allowed him to bear witness. He’s not under the impression that it means she’s ready to let him touch her or to have sex or even to do it again. It was a one off as far as he’s concerned. He respects the process. He’s always been that way - patient, willing to put in the work without complaint. It’s a weird way to think about their sex life, but it works. She’s always been the one that had wanted to see immediate progress. The irony of her surname is not lost on her. But she’s amazed by him and his patience and she thinks that she falls in love with him a little more every day even after all these years.

But despite the fact that he doesn’t push it, she’s still determined to progress. She has this newfound hope now that it’s possible, the same sort of way she’d felt when she’d had her breakthrough on holiday, and she’s excited to see where this will lead, but she’s going away now. 

She’s leaving for two days, and her boys, especially Noah, are a bit nervous about it. Noah’s so nervous that she doesn’t get any time to herself that day, despite Scott’s best efforts, and when they get the boys to bed, and finally have some alone time, she’s barely got her lips on Scott’s before their door is creaking open.   
“Mumma.” Noah whimpers. 

Tessa bites her lip and turns to him. 

“Hi, honey.” 

He crawls up into bed with them and settles between them. 

“I want to sleep with you tonight.” He says quietly. “Even though I’m a big boy. I just want to, okay? Just before you leave.” And she doesn’t have the heart to say no. 

So she doesn’t get the chance to talk to Scott about it, about how she feels, before she leaves him the next morning with one upset little Noah in his arms. 

“I’ll be back in two days, baby.” She soothes him, stroking his hair as his father holds him. “Just two days. And you and your brothers are going to have so much fun with daddy while I’m gone. 

“Guy stuff.” Scott tells Noah, and fakes a loud belch. 

Tessa sees Noah fight a smile, determined to be sad, which makes her feel a little better, knowing Scott will have him cracking up ten minutes after she leaves. 

“Guy stuff.” Tessa confirms and scrunches her nose but kisses Noah’s hair.

She says goodbye to her two other boys, Peter, who reminds her that her flight is at 12:15, and Connor who gives her a big hug. 

And then she kisses Scott, making it a little deeper than she can tell he’d expected because she sees the pleasant look of surprise on his face when she pulls back and winks at him. 

* * *

She FaceTimes them that night because Peter still won’t stand for a subpar reading of his whale book, and she says goodnight before Scott gets them tucked in. 

But Tessa calls him back some times later. She debates not doing it, but she wants to hear his voice. 

“Sorry, honey, I just got them to bed.” He says, figuring she’d called about the boys. 

“That’s um… I was actually calling to talk to you.” She says softly. 

“Oh.” Scott says, and she thinks she can _hear_ his smile. “Well, hello then.” 

She laughs softly. “I miss you.” She tells him and hears his breath hitch. 

“I miss you too, Tess.” He says. 

It occurs to her how disgusting it is that after all the time they’ve spent together they can still sound like a couple of teenagers, complaining about being apart for a day, but she really _does_ miss him a little extra right now. She really _does_ feel more connected to him, and having just re-made that connection, it’s hard to be away from him so suddenly. 

This time she doesn’t make promises, doesn’t commit to anything for his sake. She knows he doesn’t need it and neither does she. They don’t need to rush, there’s no deadline, there’s no pressure. She just wants to talk to him, to hear his voice, and as always, he’s happy to oblige. 

He talks to her until her eyes grow heavy, telling her about their day, the minute details that are so mundane some people would just ignore them completely, but that he knows, for that very reason, are so important and calming to Tessa. 

When he hears her hum sleepily he whispers his goodnight, along with an “I love you, babe.”, and grins at her sleep mumble of a reply before hanging up. 

He closes his eyes that night still sporting a huge, goofy grin on his face. 


End file.
